Panace

[Split]

"Your ring-less fingers scorched a coffee hue" was expertly done and really worked itself not the heart of your verse/ characters.

Not sure if your style is influenced by a wide-range of writers flavor of the month style, you are very conscious of your mechanics, or if you change your style for the context of a piece. Anyways I think it's good to develop a style with characteristics and grow it in a particular way, one that is comfortable for you and intrinsic to you, and then step outside of those bounds instead of jumping into a new puddle of stylistic flair with every verse. Do you.

I think this came across as stilted. "Shan't" lol. Some sections have very unforced rhyming, which is good. Still think your conceptual arc is way too broad for any normal human being to relate to and appreciate. I like picking things apart, but not on the scale of the whole verse. just on a line by line basis..

Try speaking to your audience. Be your own accepted canon. Not badly written or anything. Just kinda unapproachable.
Keep keyin