fly me to the moon

YDK · 08-26-2013, 09:45 PM

A young family cursed
Disaster spoiling and swirling their pearly mirth,
Pondering an early birth,
It’s surely not the first of this new worldly hurt…..

A child born with unformed lungs
He’s hooked up to a breathing apparatus,
The fact of the matter is,
He came into this world with the fame of an actor’s status.
A rare case in the news he was well known by the age of 8,
Yet simple popularity never assuaged the trait.
Before birth he was discovered to have empyema,
Permanent harm to the child ruining the dreams of
Both his parents, giving a new meaning to “free love”.
Spending so much money each year to keep him breathing correctly
They were trying to protect the child’s fate.
Never accepting that he was affecting them indirectly,
For his future dreams would be forced to abate.
Never too late was the motto his parents hated to speak,
Because they knew that he would always be underrated and weak.
Many weeks of his life would be hidden by his speechless eyes
Sleepless nights caused the bleakness to arise with the grievous cries.
Well loved by many, anybody that met him became infatuated,
He was elated to meet new people but he felt under evaluated.
He often stated that he was confused why people cared in the least
He couldn’t be like the others; he was too impaired and diseased.
All he wanted in life was the strife to ease,
He stared at the skies just begging God “please”.
“I want to float with the breeze to the top of the trees,
Fly me to the moon where I don’t need to breathe.”

Fig · 08-26-2013, 09:57 PM

Hey there's some nice imagery in here.

My main problem with the piece is this... the storytelling, writing, wording and all that were all good, except at the end, where did you leave the reader? All of a sudden this sick baby was a grown being experiencing this social angst that didn't feel real, because there was no real time to grow with him. He kinda just wanted to die at the end

With that said, I do like the piece. The writing was exceptional, but I feel like it didn't lead anywhere in the long run

YDK · 08-26-2013, 11:44 PM

Thanks man an yeah I left it open cuz tbh I felt any "ending" would just play out as cliche. Either happily ever after or just another sad story about death lol

YDK · 08-26-2013, 11:45 PM

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9636

Other link comin

YDK · 08-28-2013, 02:16 AM

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=13756

YDK · 09-02-2013, 04:23 AM

Bump

08-26-2013, 09:45 PM	#1
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	fly me to the moon A young family cursed Disaster spoiling and swirling their pearly mirth, Pondering an early birth, It’s surely not the first of this new worldly hurt….. A child born with unformed lungs He’s hooked up to a breathing apparatus, The fact of the matter is, He came into this world with the fame of an actor’s status. A rare case in the news he was well known by the age of 8, Yet simple popularity never assuaged the trait. Before birth he was discovered to have empyema, Permanent harm to the child ruining the dreams of Both his parents, giving a new meaning to “free love”. Spending so much money each year to keep him breathing correctly They were trying to protect the child’s fate. Never accepting that he was affecting them indirectly, For his future dreams would be forced to abate. Never too late was the motto his parents hated to speak, Because they knew that he would always be underrated and weak. Many weeks of his life would be hidden by his speechless eyes Sleepless nights caused the bleakness to arise with the grievous cries. Well loved by many, anybody that met him became infatuated, He was elated to meet new people but he felt under evaluated. He often stated that he was confused why people cared in the least He couldn’t be like the others; he was too impaired and diseased. All he wanted in life was the strife to ease, He stared at the skies just begging God “please”. “I want to float with the breeze to the top of the trees, Fly me to the moon where I don’t need to breathe.” __________________

08-26-2013, 09:57 PM	#2
Fig Om Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 6,461 Battle Record: 8-16 Rep Power: 84181562	Hey there's some nice imagery in here. My main problem with the piece is this... the storytelling, writing, wording and all that were all good, except at the end, where did you leave the reader? All of a sudden this sick baby was a grown being experiencing this social angst that didn't feel real, because there was no real time to grow with him. He kinda just wanted to die at the end With that said, I do like the piece. The writing was exceptional, but I feel like it didn't lead anywhere in the long run __________________ BIRDHORSE 8-15 Last edited by Fig; 08-27-2013 at 01:36 AM.

08-26-2013, 11:44 PM	#3
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Thanks man an yeah I left it open cuz tbh I felt any "ending" would just play out as cliche. Either happily ever after or just another sad story about death lol __________________

08-26-2013, 11:45 PM	#4
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9636 Other link comin __________________

08-28-2013, 02:16 AM	#5
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=13756 __________________

09-02-2013, 04:23 AM	#6
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Bump __________________