"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet."

namix · 08-18-2013, 11:49 AM

This is one of the most natural 'story telling' pieces i've read in a minute. Strong writers voice seemed to have some real personal connection to the message - like someone close to you had been in Nam or that you at least had been touched by war in some form in your life.

What's interesting is how the story telling felt strong, but the characters were not even fully developed. If the characters were built a bit more it would have made our connection to their experiences and their conversation that much stronger - but being able to have a strong 'story telling' voice without more detailed character development is impressive.

You also did a good job intermixing one-off metaphors that kept a relatively long read here moving a long and interesting. Made the characters and their situation that much more relate-able. Some examples include:
He never had any luck, a quarter short of a parking meter.

I know I'm forgotten, like my socks with holes at the bottom,

-- two good examples of your ability to convey a simple concept and make it more compelling through a relate-able analogy, definitely noticed your ability to do that throughout.

Again, the aspect that stood out the most for me was the 'natural story telling' here - a good job drawing the reader into to make them feel they were part of the conversation.

Also thought you had pretty good plot progression in terms of the realization that there was more to 'this' gentlemen than a homeless guy, he was a veteran. I think the progression was strong, and again, very natural - but perhaps a more subtle plot twist to allow for the unveiling of the character being 'more than meets the eye' would have made it that much more meaningful in the moment you reveal the fact to us.... Very natural dialogue though, so just as much as i think it could have been a bit more unique by layering on another dimension to the plot - i also appreciated how natural this sounded, as if it is a conversation you could have almost overheard walking by a bus-stop in the rain or something one day.

A couple other one-off bars that I thought were put together nicely or conveyed really cool concepts to consider

It started to come together, his stash of money in zeros
His early years were better, in the company of heroes.

He’s seen death in his eyes, but they seem often disguised,
when he's sitting on the corner, and he’s lost in the skies.
^ love that line, captures that lost look very well

He offered words of wisdom, only with a slight delay,
“Keep your head down son, cause bullets have the right of way.

good stuff bro!

08-18-2013, 11:49 AM	#9
namix been that, done there. Join Date: Jun 2001 Posts: 2,259 Battle Record: 2-1 Accomplishments - OM HOF Rep Power: 85246655	This is one of the most natural 'story telling' pieces i've read in a minute. Strong writers voice seemed to have some real personal connection to the message - like someone close to you had been in Nam or that you at least had been touched by war in some form in your life. What's interesting is how the story telling felt strong, but the characters were not even fully developed. If the characters were built a bit more it would have made our connection to their experiences and their conversation that much stronger - but being able to have a strong 'story telling' voice without more detailed character development is impressive. You also did a good job intermixing one-off metaphors that kept a relatively long read here moving a long and interesting. Made the characters and their situation that much more relate-able. Some examples include: He never had any luck, a quarter short of a parking meter. I know I'm forgotten, like my socks with holes at the bottom, -- two good examples of your ability to convey a simple concept and make it more compelling through a relate-able analogy, definitely noticed your ability to do that throughout. Again, the aspect that stood out the most for me was the 'natural story telling' here - a good job drawing the reader into to make them feel they were part of the conversation. Also thought you had pretty good plot progression in terms of the realization that there was more to 'this' gentlemen than a homeless guy, he was a veteran. I think the progression was strong, and again, very natural - but perhaps a more subtle plot twist to allow for the unveiling of the character being 'more than meets the eye' would have made it that much more meaningful in the moment you reveal the fact to us.... Very natural dialogue though, so just as much as i think it could have been a bit more unique by layering on another dimension to the plot - i also appreciated how natural this sounded, as if it is a conversation you could have almost overheard walking by a bus-stop in the rain or something one day. A couple other one-off bars that I thought were put together nicely or conveyed really cool concepts to consider It started to come together, his stash of money in zeros His early years were better, in the company of heroes. He’s seen death in his eyes, but they seem often disguised, when he's sitting on the corner, and he’s lost in the skies. ^ love that line, captures that lost look very well He offered words of wisdom, only with a slight delay, “Keep your head down son, cause bullets have the right of way. good stuff bro! __________________ well fed.