Week 2 - Gazette vs Pent uP - GAZETTE IS DQ'D

Certain · 08-02-2013, 01:10 AM

Gazette: I appreciate what you were trying to do, but funny storytelling is a lot harder than it seems. That's part of the process: Slick Rick's humor seems effortless because he worked so hard at it. You seemed to be reaching for humor throughout, and it never landed. You also went way too long. Introducing characters should be more seamless. Let us get to know them on our own terms, through their actions in the story you're telling. Your story only really picked up when you got to Molly's house, and by well before that point you would have lost me had I not been reading this to vote. The rhyme scheme and narrative flow of the story also were issues, and I think the biggest problem may have been breaking your bars up like that. Your structure guaranteed that you'd have very stretched lines and that you wouldn't be using carryover rhymes throughout. It didn't help to capitalize your rhymes, especially going against a writer like Pent uP, who can outrhyme pretty much anyone. I've seen much better from you in the other two things I've read by you, but I understand why you made this effort to try something new.

Pent uP: You let your multiple-syllable rhyming steal the show here. There wasn't a whole lot to this verse, though. The approach to the topic was too straightforward, to the point where the first two stanzas were more or less direct explanations of what frotteurism is. The third stanza, though still pretty direct, was a lot of fun because you seemed to enjoy writing it more. Some of the distance shown in the first two went away, and you seemed to take to this character more in describing the type of women he prefers grinding. A shorter introduction to the concept, followed by more of these types of stories, would have made for a better verse. Heck, even simply cutting the top two stanzas off might have made it better because it would have focused on the really slick stuff. But I did enjoy the verse. Some of the rhyming was really slick.

Vote: Pent uP

08-02-2013, 01:10 AM	#1
Certain Mad fucking dangerous. Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 12,066 Battle Record: 40-19 Champed - AOWL Season 3 - Art of Writing League (2x) Rep Power: 85899406	Gazette: I appreciate what you were trying to do, but funny storytelling is a lot harder than it seems. That's part of the process: Slick Rick's humor seems effortless because he worked so hard at it. You seemed to be reaching for humor throughout, and it never landed. You also went way too long. Introducing characters should be more seamless. Let us get to know them on our own terms, through their actions in the story you're telling. Your story only really picked up when you got to Molly's house, and by well before that point you would have lost me had I not been reading this to vote. The rhyme scheme and narrative flow of the story also were issues, and I think the biggest problem may have been breaking your bars up like that. Your structure guaranteed that you'd have very stretched lines and that you wouldn't be using carryover rhymes throughout. It didn't help to capitalize your rhymes, especially going against a writer like Pent uP, who can outrhyme pretty much anyone. I've seen much better from you in the other two things I've read by you, but I understand why you made this effort to try something new. Pent uP: You let your multiple-syllable rhyming steal the show here. There wasn't a whole lot to this verse, though. The approach to the topic was too straightforward, to the point where the first two stanzas were more or less direct explanations of what frotteurism is. The third stanza, though still pretty direct, was a lot of fun because you seemed to enjoy writing it more. Some of the distance shown in the first two went away, and you seemed to take to this character more in describing the type of women he prefers grinding. A shorter introduction to the concept, followed by more of these types of stories, would have made for a better verse. Heck, even simply cutting the top two stanzas off might have made it better because it would have focused on the really slick stuff. But I did enjoy the verse. Some of the rhyming was really slick. Vote: Pent uP __________________ I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.