Week 1 Discussion Thread

[Coup]

@Adonis cos I enjoy reading you from time to time when you do write here, I want to offer my thoughts on your piece. It may seem ridiculous seeing this week was an exercise, but voting helps me too.

first, I enjoyed our write night battle...been meaning to ask you, do you read scriptures?

Flacid dick but still your girl would insert into her mammory banks.

dead.

thought your first 12 lines were great establishing lines to then shoot of into more development so to speak. You opened immediately into his political ties and leanings, now I understand this was to paint him an average Joe so to speak, but going that way to identify his world views, you really need to adhere to that and give the development to pay respects to it...you didn't. therefore it felt lazy and added just because.

picking up on the 13th line and on you switch tense and use I for one line then abadoned it, it seemed fishy. I liked that, great way to continue if you obeyed the tense change. Also at the 13th line it would have been a good point to hit enter and start a new paragraph to stress the change, just me w/e. (to show examples and put this cat to the test)

you continue to describe this person and how he lives and in his circumstances of negativity...which is counter culture, I get that, you set it up well in the first 12 lines...felt you should have stepped away, thought of a way to take this verse to allow this person to go through things that are a direct result of the attributes you gave him...otherwise you just kept on establishing his counter culture ways...which gave a picture of whom he may be but you did not test him in a way that we could see how he acted in the world he lives under the vibes you created for him...we need to use what you described him and as readers see how he goes about so we can conculde outside of what you say..this is a written divice.

the last two lines were broken into a new paragraph. to ask a rethorical question, why ? you knew it's to start a new theme and develop. All in all you should have gave situational examples of this cat, as it stood it was incomplete

I realize this was just an exercise so whatever....

just a thought...good verse

@Nigma

If I had to predict someone to write a tounge twister with there letter assiagment this week, I would have chosen you. YOu did not disappoint:

Crowds lay cowarding lowly in a
Cavern thats loaded, cold and captured cronies, lasting lonely
Clouds of locust crashing loudly
Cannot lie, this camp is lousy
See, the captures cast our county
Laughing loudly like a lycans lung

is cowarding a word ? lol I'm just being a douche here. really is it ?

I'll bust you bitches leave you cunts equipped with Hush's lisp

dead.

Most of this took place in a cave. If you say no, well yes I disagree lol. I read this slow and loved the opening. the wording was fun and fluid with a attention to word placements coupled with your assignment, made this witty and sensical. Toward the middle half and working to the close I felt you went S&F mode and preiceved you compelled to stray from your opening ideas...hush's lisp lol It was toward this point I did not care, because from a language preservative this was beautiful and offered some colors and sounds.

make no mistake, I'll have to surly keep my eye on your next weeks verse...may sign back in for this

good show
@oats- I see you.
@Mr. J

mentioning Keith Sweat in the opening was a risk, because some don't know what/who that is...I didn't so I rolled with it anyways, already at a disadvantage. I know right. Cearful with openings...they must be very clear...

I'm a have to tune bodies, while y'all writing in your toon bodies
it's never too soon to burn em' all like we in the Illuminati
we been backwards...and every variation got me Benjamin Button
every variation got me buxom, and eventually buggin'...

word man. Just word. fresh

nobody has the time for that...nobody has the time for that

like the repeat phrase, gives this importance and revails your voice within this pretty well. respect. a simple effect used and placed at the right time.

sorry but all you had to do is rewind it back and see where I b..n

considering your assignment this was clever. all in all not sure what your verse was...lacked elements of pacing ideas along, instead this felt random and well just a nice flex of attitude. not a diss. I read this easily and it flowed hard. incorporate a reason into the verse and an identifiable situation or context then we are butter, otherwise this felt all willy nilly...props Mr. J.

it echoes like Keith Sweat, Nobody can compete..yet..
you carry on as if no boundaries have seen breath...
seen birth into a new born established idea..achieved depth
further investigations would only leave disbelief...dead
but reliefs sent...as if the News broadcasted the need...

what is this about ? (don't tell me)

@Mike Wrecka

in contrast to nigma and Mr. J your short fluid verse had a purpose and a reason, which oyu started and ended with not only lingering thoughts but some conditions relative to your world view thrown in...I liked this for a few reasons: it was short, not going on past what you wanted to say, and your letter assignments were smooth and natural to what you say. and mostly, you were unbiased and not casting judgment on the context and concepts your wrote in...props for doing that. Casting judgment in verses of this type are what cripples it.

some lines I liked

see section eight becomes section hate as things get medieval,
poverty is the new secret home of the dark ages upheaval/

so true...the "NWO" coming that most talk about is really the dark ages...I connected with this and your next line

sometimes those under these conditions seek a harrowing escape,
so they inject themselves with drugs and imagine a better place/

or a better time as several hours go by,
some how they feel better and don't really know why/
seeking the answer to all the secrets held, below skies,
silence holds the truth so shhhhhhhhhhhhhh, speak no lies/
never sacrifice honesty, one look in the mirror its clear,
that selfishness hindered your judgment to get your here/

^this was a good tie in and conculsion of sorts to the opening lines that established drug use and the defacto it has on people...dope last line...props to you...

to add some critique or suggestions would to bleed some cause into this to explain the effect it has...otherwise it's ambiguous and we use our understanding to explain away the conditions you set...though not bad, but if you would have done this there is chance to leave a lasting impression of new insight that the reader may have not have him/her self...

good drop dude for real..tight compact and coherent.

@Plot

was surprised at why I enjoyed your verse...it was unique to me in thta you explored what may be on the mind of some competitor in some league that may not be what it seems on the surface, riddled underneath with arbitrary and bullshit that you need to rise up over...I never seen this before in a verse and give real props to ya for exploring it out....

these lines were dope

The monkey wrench in the works, the thorn in ya side,
That makes ya formula flawed and forms a storm in ya mind.
My wisdoms enigma’s, only the incorrigible seeks it,
I’m 2 steps behind you, so it’s impossible to predict.
The sediment of life, find all your sentiments despised,
I’m here with the spoilers revealing the elements of surprise.

monky wrench in the works...ha, at first I thought is said words....hmm, that would be dope too.

in fact, this verse is a silent bomb man...lots of raw stuff in here

And earn an accomplishment for a fail of epic proportions.
Turn a mountain of effort into something microscopic,
Enter a topical, just so you can completely slight the topic.
Well I guess that’s Just Me, I’m an agent of chaos,
And I cant even fucking get that right to profit the pay-offs

all in all a very raw verse bro...impressed I am. Respect to you sir.