Week 1 - Certain Serpent vs Gazette - Certain Serpent Wins

[Mike Wrecka]

Greetings competitors, we will begin with a small technical rather than conceptual challenge. DOUBLE LETTER WEEK, include instances of the double letter string you are given as your Specific Task. E.g., you are given G.S. – include word variants of G.S.: golden shower, grape soda, going slowly, google search etc. Note there are no required amounts, you can write as many double letter variants as you like or as little as you like. You don’t have to rhyme with each double letter phrase, or put it at the start like an acrostic poem, just include instances of it, it also doesn’t have to be the focus. You can write about anything you like.

Your specific task - L.N.

Due Wednesday Midnight WST

Good luck @Certain Serpent @Gazette

[Gazette]

check

[Certain]

Lincoln never liked niggers. That shit was politics.
Lynch nooses never loosen, never lift from off our necks.
Lincoln never liked niggers. No signs of bravery.
We're left neglected, sentenced to new kinds of slavery.

If Honest Abe's legacy now were based on truth,
it wouldn't praise the Emancipation as a slave rebuke.
Lincoln neglected those in states that had carried him,
leaving negroes embattled in Delaware and Maryland.
Let's now examine it a little bit closer:
If your boys were Union soldiers, your "boys" still had their owners.
See, letting nervous Kentucky whites keep their slaves
was enough to preserve the Union, if not the human race.
Leveraging noisy abolitionists with a sweeping gesture
was enough to keep the pressure off a peaceful measure.
Plus, those Southern "boys" could lead new militias vs. the Rebs
and leave natty plantation owners wishing they were dead.
This was level-headed navigation in leading nation vs. nation.
Forgive the latent narcissism of a vacant Proclamation.
See Honest Abe was shaping legislative napalm
and expecting us blacks to burn the motherfucking place down.

Lincoln never liked niggers. That shit was politics.
Lynch nooses never loosen, never lift from off our necks.
Lincoln never liked niggers. No signs of bravery.
We're left neglected, sentenced to new kinds of slavery.

Now, Lincoln left nothing changed for certain when he sprayed the curtains.
Later, nascent legislation nixed slavery with purpose.
But the thirteenth amendment left negroes starving on streets,
and Reconstruction left negroes wobbling from trees.
We lacked necessary tools to leverage new freedoms.
If you don't teach a man to fish, you damn well better feed him.
If you don't seek balance, you're walking on a tightrope,
so before long, blacks learned not to turn backs on whitefolk.
Learing nebulous through hoods with mouths, they retook the South
and leveraged negro families out of every wooden house.
Looking North for what was promised, the inner cities beckoned,
linking new populations to a world near Great Depression.
Listing nothing on a résumé ensured a life of labor,
yet the first generation gladly took it over slave work.
But the jobs left nothing, as we filled the prison slate.
First Louisiana, now Chicago — that's Illinois, Lincoln's state.

Lincoln never liked niggers. That shit was politics.
Lynch nooses never loosen, never lift from off our necks.
Lincoln never liked niggers. No signs of bravery.
We're left neglected, sentenced to new kinds of slavery.

[Gazette]

Are You Not Brave / Writing exercise / L.N.

~

Last night I had a crazy dream, not even half of it good though
I must preface by saying, I'm in love - don't worry, this is far from a Love Note
Lola Nash is her name, but back to the dream, a land of lakes and twisting brooks
An orphic place of Luring Numinous, from Lea's Neverending, to Labyrinthine Nooks
I was in the tavern, diffidently sipping mead from a faux-golden cup
Languishing Noticeably, when I was suddenly approached by the Local Nut
There this ogre stood with his oafish mug - gawking at me, saying squat
Then - a tremendous belch, I Laughed Noisily, coughed and gave him a Lazy Nod
He sat besides me ... "Listen Neighbor, might you part with any extra fairy-dust"?
This made me a Little Nervous, but the portly fellow couldn't be Less Nefarious
I untwisted a Lachrymiform Napkin, and gave him a pinch of effervescent matter
"Bless you Squire ... you ever heard of Lord Niflheim, the Legendary Necromancer?"
Tiring of this Leper's Natter, I was sure i'd run him through in a moment
Be it King, or Queen or Lonely Nomad, I don't have time for Ludicrous Notions
But when he produced a curious amulet, i felt compelled to let him finish
"Take a look" - so i did, 4 Lions, Necks stretched inside a Luminescent Nimbus
"Niflheim gave me this blessed trinket, alas, it can only be used by the brave"
"Hold it in a Butter-Cap Mushroom Patch, kneel, and speak Lucifers Name"
I asked, "but what will happen?" - then his jolly smile turned to blackest scorn
Glaring past that Long Nose, that boil-ridden snot-encrusted, Lurching Naricorn
"Are you not brave?" His voice was deep and smooth, it hit me like a sedative
"You should Leave Now" - he seemed less a friendly drunk, more a Lifelong Nemesis
"Oh I am, I'm going to the Butter-Cap Mushroom Patch, would Mister like to come?"
Suddenly the room was icy, misty, as though we were swimming in Liquid Nitrogen
But I could feel the panic rising, that caustic anxiety strumming my throat
"It's alright Squire, follow me" - again, his voice as soft as a Lullabye's Note
I did, it was hard to keep up; an odd sight this plump chap skipping swiftly
Through a forest thick and windy, till there they were, 50 mushrooms Lilting Nimbly
The air was bitter, filmy, I couldn't decide if it was scanty or venomous
I forced a breath anyway, then picked a mushroom from its Lacteous Nebula
It was like a Lingering Nightmare, like viewing the world through smokey glass
I said, "Let's Not do this" ... "But Squire, are you not in love with Lola Nash?"
My heart, it froze, collapsed, I'd so-far helmed my sanity: he capsized the vessel
I felt Limp, Naked, looked at my palm, no mushroom, instead the amulet Lightly Nestled
"Look No further than this - are you not brave? Then you must make the darkest vow"
"In Lucifers Name" - imbued with a shame so wretched, my stomach felt like Lava Now
I knelt, perhaps out of love, perhaps I just wanted this Hell to be finished
Oh ... who am i kidding? I spoke Lucifers Name because I'm a Lecherous Nitwit
Thunder and lightning, the violent roar of the forest ensued, I was helpless
Then i was whisked away through some refulgent conduit, some Luminous Nexus
I awoke abruptly, flustered, I hurdled over my duvet feeling desperate, awful
Later, Nontheless, after a few soporific classes, my day was Lenitive, Normal
But the dream was vivid still, i couldn't wait to get my love alone at last
After the bell rung, I Loitered Nervously, and then I saw her: Lola Nash
I said, with impeccable eloquence, "Sup bitch, how bout we get our freak on"
Her reply was simple but poignant, I think you'll agree: she said, "dream on"

Peace, G'luck

[Gazette]

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9112
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=9120

[Adonis]

Serpent - first id gladly take a a few lines of critique in the discussion thread on my verse. 2nd, I liked the direction a lot. You went political, yet flowed well even though you had a great deal of content. Your talent level is quite clear in this first week of fun. You also had a good use of your letters, yet it wasn't noticeable or annoying. Dope verse my man.

Gazzette - strong writing from a readers view point, I mean you seem well versed or schooled in writing, that is evident. I didn't like the topic in bold, it cheapened the great use of your two letter for me. This made it seem forced, although the writing was far from. Wordy as shit yo. Flow was decent, but I wasn't too fond of ending. It was OK as far as humor, but the story was moving nicely, and then bang.... back to reality and you went with humor in what WAS a very intriguing story, ending too abruptly.


All in all I got serpent in the better of two really good verses.

[zygote]

Certain Serpent, enjoyed the activist/preaching writing tone, meshed well with the content you were discussing. Did not enjoy the refrain throughout, thought it was less strong when compared to your regular verse writing and also unnecessary. Gazette, liked all the scene/atmosphere-setting assisted by the whimsical language use. You used a lot of interesting words that fit within the world you were discussing. E.g., use of the word Legendary, Luminous etc. Did not like the verb-adjective combo for most of the descriptions, even the ones without the L.N. variant you were still describing most of the things as an ACTION-EMOTION, this kind of pattern was a bit repetitive. Voting for Gazette.

alright i had to re-read this bc both did a good job n came totally diff

certain - u came on some dead prez type sht to me (lol.) approaching with a real powerful topic, and doing so quite well, along w the challenege. Unlike zygote, i enjoyed ur refrain and felt it brought it all together. I did enjoy ur second verse, more then ur first, it read with more an emotional tone to me, first was more informative...think its bc of ur wordchoice.

gaz - i also enjoyed ur approach. I feel u may have used the challenge slightly more then ur opponent, but at risk of some content. Dont get me wrong, I enjoyed ur story and felt it was written well and entertaining. However, as zygote pointed out, the way u used the challenge got a little formulaic. Every couplet ended with the same kinda L,N pattern, and the L,N wasn't utilized as well (in the body) as for ur end rhymes. I felt if u woulda scattered it more, and not focused on end rhymes with it as much, ur content may have been improved (not saying it was bad at all though.) Also, unlike zygote, i did kinda enjoy ur final twist.

Overall - Both participants did very well imo. Certain came with a provoking topic, utilized the challenge throughout, and kept me (the reader) intrigued. Gaz came with a more fantasy like topic, told a story that was entertaining, and utilized the challenge in means of interesting descriptive words, but in a formulaic sense. Both verses were dope tho imo. But i gotta go with who's approach/topic i enjoyed more, and utilized the challenge to the best degree.

v/certain

[Que]

Gaz--- At first glance...I was blown away by the sheer vocab ability to pocket L's and N's. The act was really nice but the repetitive nature of it left the substance of the piece lacking. It read almost desperate in the fashion that you had to keep going with the LN scheme theme. You kinda sacrificed alot to pull it off.
""Look No further than this - are you not brave? Then you must make the darkest vow"
"In Lucifers Name" - imbued with a shame so wretched, my stomach felt like Lava Now"'
^^See how even this simple piece lacks in emotion or solid imagery.

Other than that , I did however enjoy seeing you put on that display of vocab mastery.


Cert---Loved the bold topic. I too...enjoyed the second half better than the first. Only because...I felt you could have brought us directly in far more quickly and had room to play with the emotion and vivid imagery. Still you pulled it off....I liked the chorus in between. Maybe one too many but still that set belonged to the piece as a whole.I liked the civil war approach instead of the civil rights approach. It gave a fresher insight. Plus I liked the tone...wasn't any "Angry Blackman out for revenge on Whitey"....but yet a glimpse into the way it was with all either accepting that its a part of history or not ........either way , History cannot be changed. But we can all draw our own conclusions and learn from it.

V/Certain

[Nigma]

I've browsed through most if not all of the open battles and I'll start by saying you two produced the verses I was most impressed by. I stamp this battle unofficial battle of the week.

Certain, alias? Dunno who you are and can't, especially with this weeks challenge, decide if your writing style is familiar to me. What I can say with certainty is I was impressed by your approach on this weeks task. I feel you not only did a more then acceptable job incorporating the letters, but also laid down the most impressive concept. Nearly the entire verse was naturally worded which, we can all agree, becomes a tedious task with these type of verses. Very enjoyable read, and one that would be equally as enjoyable not taking into account the mandatory challenge.

Gaz, welcome to the list of talented writers I am aware of. Another name formerly unknown to me, not sure what the situation is with you either. In any case, you have my attention. Some of the best use of vocabulary I've seen aside from Vulgar from anyone on this site, and that's saying something. I'm very interesting in seeing what kind of verse you can string together with a bit more freedom. Some critiques I have for you, I was not a fan of the bolded words. Rubbed me the wrong way, similar to a battle verse would if the author had bolded the multies or explained each and every wordplay they made. Aside from that, exemplary verse and a brilliant display of your comfortability with the English language.

Prognosis, this is a hard vote to make, I feel terrible voting against either verse to be honest, but I feel as though the combination of concept and execution from Serpent did enough to take my vote. I feel the more natural incorporation of the chosen letters made for an easier read, pairing with an impressive and gutsy topic gets my vote. Thanks for the great read both of you. My vote for battle of the week.

+1 Certain Serpent

[Certain]

The tally is 4-1 in favor of me at the moment. My three votes:

Pent uP vs. Rawn M.D.
Objective vs. Storyteller
TopicalDood5 vs. Flo Real

Thanks to all those who voted. I've responded to at least one of your verses and will do the same for anyone else who votes.

[Coup]

C.S. - I acknowledge the dopeness of your opening...nice tone, nice cut to get into the verse. the rest was more or less a recap of what happened, how Lincoln's legacy ran off into history, and I suspect you just watched the Movie of the same name

was not feeling the repeat hook, I felt it was effective in the opener, but less effective to bridge your expose.

If you don't teach a man to fish, you damn well better feed him.

cool line

See Honest Abe was shaping legislative napalm
and expecting us blacks to burn the motherfucking place down.

cool lines

G- the bold highlights distracted me from reading, so in that case I had to go through it again, props to you...got people to reread your stuff lol

I'm with Z that your LN's were corny and to me seem out of place, I do understand it's an exersize so it is what it is...a original story that was creative in it's dialog and developments...took some safe turns with some characters but all in all I can't say I did not enjoy this one. Some good use of your topic and your own spin on it...... .... ...

v/G

[Inno]

certain

man this was dam near perfect for me...I loved the cohesive nature of your lines...man each line connected nicely with the previous and the one that followed I mean very impressive stuff....technically sound....but for me the appeal lies in the story man what a great story...you wove that shit together nicely and sprinkled in the your letters with out effort..no forced rhyming or scheming...dope shit man.


gazette

that vocab is apparent...its dope its there and you cant escape it when you read this piece..you def have skills mang..your story was a lot more involved that your opponents and I felt like you a bit more depth due to the length...felt like you did an excellent job with your letters...obviously your vocab skills carried you through this piece...not to say the story wasn't written good...not at all..but I felt like it dragged a bit to much...like watching a good movie and it just goes that 10 min to long lol...I dunno not trying ramble just explaining my thought process when I read your pieces...


overall.

both equal to be honest..so I went with the story that caught my attention a bit more and that was certain...I thought his was a bit more intense..dunno kept my attention throught out the verse..great battle tbh.


certain.