Summer Classic Topical: Round 1: 1.Witty Vs. 16. Objective [Witty 5-0]

[Adonis]

SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
MONDAY JULY 22nd at 11:59P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 2:59 AM Eastern / 7:59 AM TUESDAY Central European/London
MAXIMUM 2 extensions granted upon request in this tournament

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due THURSDAY at 11:59 p.m. Western Pacific / or FRIDAY 2:59 PM Eastern / 7:59 AM FRIDAY Central European/London Failure to vote will result in negative votes the following round if you win....See rules thread for explanation

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!



Topic:

Must Check-in by WEDNESDAY July 17th or be replaced

@Witty
@John Dillinger

G/Luck

[Witty]

When he first got it he couldn't play one single chord
but from day one it became what he loved and adored
And when they weren't together he was lovesick and bored
Occasionally he'd play something that made his heart thump
And he'd jump to record
Before it faded to black, forgotten in time, gone to the void
He went from a lost little boy to an artist full of blossoming joy
He went to the classes, studied Hendrix and Clapton..at first an imitation
But invented his path with his thirst and innovation
Researched their limitations and intended to pass them
But first..a little patience
He knew work was the way to birth his liberation.

Now he's getting blinded by the lights on the stage
The lights in the crowd
His days have got hectic and his nights have got loud
In demand from award shows to radio stations
He plays to the nation and bathes in their crazy ovation
He's leaving the stage, and he heads for the door
But they're screaming his name and they're begging for more
In a haze he obeys them...
And day after day it's just industry stuff
There's very little time for just him and his love
Very little time to create and to grow
They don't want the new...just play what they know
So he plays to placate them...
His privacy and space starts to fade from this crazy invasion
He hears their screams in his sleep...he may need sedation
Just a little...something...to soothe him
A little...something...to stave off the alienation.

Now the screaming has ceased
No crowds, no fame...just me and this grief
I remember his eyes, I remember his smile
Some memories nice, some memories vile
I remember placing that guitar in his hands
I remember him working like crazy, starting his band
The vibrance that sprayed from his pores when he played
The pride that he placed in each chord that he made
I can still see him hunched over his love...lost in his head
And I can see him laying cold on his hospital bed
I try to erase all the pain, and fill my mind with the joy
To you he was an icon...to me, he was just my little boy.

So I keep this guitar, I sleep with it, take it everywhere
...Display it with pride
I've never plucked a string, the music's playing inside
I just grip it like he gripped my hand on the day he was born...
...And like I gripped his on the day that he died.

[Adonis]

Objective's Verse

Self Proclaimed Nice Guys

Jonas A. Randal, confession:
"Yes, I handle breasts underneath the mantle in ways subtle cultists couldn't handle,
only blunders rock the craddle. But my dragons breath crackle scandals
approaching ghosting cattles proposing toasts for hosts opposing saddles.
I'm almost on those enclosing shallow but propose to open barrels.
Smoking chokes the joking locust that is lost and starved for focus,
potent roaches coach us to reflect our magnum opus' as the peak of living life.
I'd predict and treat her fine, someone to call me mine but get told to give it time,
I don't want to know what a killers feelings like,
I just need someone to be my wife!"

The verdict the way they heard it:
It's evident the evidence aim towards obsessive urgent relevance with lack of vocal elegance,
you only need two words: social intelligence.
Add emotional sense based on depiction of self in a prediction of Hell,
that coalition work well if being an incel is a good prison to dwell.
You can't listen to shellshocked individuals
speaking on the topic of bedrock mating rituals...
The same kind that made Ayn Rand and Aesop misguided and spiritual
to make their lie visual.

In practice:
The fact is it's theatrics on all bases, faceless among ageless phases,
cases not subject to races, brainwaves and similar mazes.
It's Atlantis balancing on the head of a ranting mantis
advancing with stoic pride deadened by an extrovert panting frantic.
Flex do work and it's chanting granted its objective is a palace for malice,
cus everyone know that they hate that whore (that we adore) named [Insert_Name] /example: Alice/
~Framed by the chalice that ignites amorous tension~,
^bitch please, you can't exchange firey love for attention.
So try hard not to mention the shortcomings of self, cus
we know when hyper sensitive individuals start reaching
they ain't hittin' the top shelf, thus;
they stop copin' yet steadily bleeding with this greedy lack of ego feeling defeated, looks can be deceiving when badly treated, yet these beasts won't see it but they'll tease and feed it like they need it.
And at the border of Hell we're needing this notion
in order to sell.

[Adonis]

**Disclaimer**

There was a no show in this round, so Objective and Witty do not have the same topic. Witty's is found in first post, Objectives is found at end of his verse

[MMLP]

Witty, this was very good, love this sort of technicality and story arch and twisting. It come across so nonchalant so effortless, felt like u this wrote a day before the deadline, wouldn’t be surprised it that was true. last two lines before the last stanza made me realise what was going on , smile and emote a little lol, great impact. He was an icon to everyone else but (to this person) “he was just my little boy” very simple, sweet and precious ha, good job

Objective, this format is off putting, I see why u did it and to make it simple to follow, but this can be achieved in a less spoon-feeding way imo. Technically its fine and fits in, in a way to preference but I feel content is sacrificed too much to make the humpty dumpty rhyming patterns flowing throughout which can be a huge plus when executed right.
You got ‘objective’ in there lol
overall story, doesn’t seem to go anywhere of importance, just seemed like u wanted to show off your rhyming ability, the ending just had me like meh!?

both technically sound which how I like it, made them enjoyable reads but ill give the edge to Witty, his execution gets him the win this time!

[Pharaohs Army]

Witty
Some good technical writing and solid storytelling
In demand from award shows to radio stations
He plays to the nation and bathes in their crazy ovation
He's leaving the stage, and he heads for the door
But they're screaming his name and they're begging for more
In a haze he obeys them..
I like your rhyme scheme here. Good multis and then you return to the first rhyme.

I was interested to see where the story went. I certainly felt it but I wasn't overwhelmed with emotion. Still, I think you did a great job telling a story.

Objective
A very rhymy piece. Interesting work. And there's some quotables in here.
But in a lot of spots it just felt like you were rhyming for the sake of rhyming and confusing me with the content.
For example, in the last stanza
The fact is it's theatrics on all bases, faceless among ageless phases,
cases not subject to races, brainwaves and similar mazes.
It's Atlantis balancing on the head of a ranting mantis
advancing with stoic pride deadened by an extrovert panting frantic.
Flex do work and it's chanting granted its objective is a palace for malice,
Good rhymes, but I'm having trouble finding meaning here.

Don't get me wrong, it's an en entertaining whirlwind, I just don't think it's enough to top Witty this week.

V Witty

[Adonis]

Longer Version in Mag

So...Two rahter opposite verses if I may say so. OB had a more tedious read, very layered and heavy, or rather primarily focused on rhyme scheme. Meanwhile Witty went straight story with less of an impressive case in the structure department, but IMO far superior in story telling and actual flow of both story and rhyme pattern. Nothing really weighed his verse down, while OB in my eyes had such a heavy rhyme structure that in the end it sort of disrupted the content and king of diluted the main arc of the story itself.


v/ Witty - fast paced story and easily accesable rhyme scheme over long drawn out one with heavy scheme

[Scar]

witty, good stuff here my man.

When he first got it he couldn't play one single chord
but from day one it became what he loved and adored
And when they weren't together he was lovesick and bored
Occasionally he'd play something that made his heart thump
And he'd jump to record
Before it faded to black, forgotten in time, gone to the void
He went from a lost little boy to an artist full of blossoming joy
He went to the classes, studied Hendrix and Clapton..at first an imitation
But invented his path with his thirst and innovation
Researched their limitations and intended to pass them
But first..a little patience
He knew work was the way to birth his liberation.

great character development. the heart thump section was a little bumpy but i see the scheme you were going for. love the void line! the next line was good too but was a bit too terse, and matter of factly for this type character-centric verse. although i appreciate the limitations/blazing his own path connection with "birth his liberation", im not entirely sold on the utilization of "birth his liberation". i felt it was too "theatrical", if you will.

Now he's getting blinded by the lights on the stage
The lights in the crowd
His days have got hectic and his nights have got loud
In demand from award shows to radio stations
He plays to the nation and bathes in their crazy ovation
He's leaving the stage, and he heads for the door
But they're screaming his name and they're begging for more
In a haze he obeys them...
And day after day it's just industry stuff
There's very little time for just him and his love
Very little time to create and to grow
They don't want the new...just play what they know
So he plays to placate them...
His privacy and space starts to fade from this crazy invasion
He hears their screams in his sleep...he may need sedation
Just a little...something...to soothe him
A little...something...to stave off the alienation.

great stanza. it did feel a bit vh1 behind the music but i like that its delving into the central conflict of the verse/character. the just play what they know line was absolutely beautiful. i think theres a lot of truth behind that line. the latter part of the stanza drifted into a more aloof tone (writing wise). wasn't feeling the crazy invasion bit.

Now the screaming has ceased
No crowds, no fame...just me and this grief
I remember his eyes, I remember his smile
Some memories nice, some memories vile
I remember placing that guitar in his hands
I remember him working like crazy, starting his band
The vibrance that sprayed from his pores when he played
The pride that he placed in each chord that he made
I can still see him hunched over his love...lost in his head
And I can see him laying cold on his hospital bed
I try to erase all the pain, and fill my mind with the joy
To you he was an icon...to me, he was just my little boy.

the vibrance that sprayed couplet was fuckin awesome. i was a bit taken back when you revealed that the voice to be a parental figure. The first two stanzas alluded to conventional 3rd person perspective that wasn't of that intimate nature, if that made sense at all. i do like where the plot is going. painting the up and down nature of life but with that emotional weight.

So I keep this guitar, I sleep with it, take it everywhere
...Display it with pride
I've never plucked a string, the music's playing inside
I just grip it like he gripped my hand on the day he was born...
...And like I gripped his on the day that he died.

music's playing inside was such a powerful line, finishing the verse with a nice sense of irony. this was really good stuff man.

objective, this took focus to get through lul
Self Proclaimed Nice Guys

Jonas A. Randal, confession:
"Yes, I handle breasts underneath the mantle in ways subtle cultists couldn't handle,
only blunders rock the craddle. But my dragons breath crackle scandals
approaching ghosting cattles proposing toasts for hosts opposing saddles.
I'm almost on those enclosing shallow but propose to open barrels.
Smoking chokes the joking locust that is lost and starved for focus,
potent roaches coach us to reflect our magnum opus' as the peak of living life.
I'd predict and treat her fine, someone to call me mine but get told to give it time,
I don't want to know what a killers feelings like,
I just need someone to be my wife!"

not a fan of that first part. There were lots of great assonance but content wise, i can make heads or tail of it. for example: smoking chokes the joking locust. I would imagine theres some great metaphor happening in that line but it lacked foundation to really offer anything. and why would you word it like that? what is a joking locust?

The verdict the way they heard it:
It's evident the evidence aim towards obsessive urgent relevance with lack of vocal elegance,
you only need two words: social intelligence.
Add emotional sense based on depiction of self in a prediction of Hell,
that coalition work well if being an incel is a good prison to dwell.
You can't listen to shellshocked individuals
speaking on the topic of bedrock mating rituals...
The same kind that made Ayn Rand and Aesop misguided and spiritual
to make their lie visual.

i really like the first line. seems to be a lonely introverted guy who doesn't know how to socially engage people. i don't entirely get it but i liked the bedrock mating rituals line lulz. it maybe speaking on experience? overall a very solid segment because it didn't relay too much on dense literary devices

In practice:
The fact is it's theatrics on all bases, faceless among ageless phases,
cases not subject to races, brainwaves and similar mazes.
It's Atlantis balancing on the head of a ranting mantis
advancing with stoic pride deadened by an extrovert panting frantic.
Flex do work and it's chanting granted its objective is a palace for malice,
cus everyone know that they hate that whore (that we adore) named [Insert_Name] /example: Alice/
~Framed by the chalice that ignites amorous tension~,
^bitch please, you can't exchange firey love for attention.
So try hard not to mention the shortcomings of self, cus
we know when hyper sensitive individuals start reaching
they ain't hittin' the top shelf, thus;
they stop copin' yet steadily bleeding with this greedy lack of ego feeling defeated, looks can be deceiving when badly treated, yet these beasts won't see it but they'll tease and feed it like they need it.
And at the border of Hell we're needing this notion
in order to sell.

and then we are back to dense language. What is faceless among ageless phases? are you describing youth? Atlantis balancing on the head of a ranting mantis? why? the fiery love for attention line was dope though. reaching and top shelf line was clever and very good. last line was great also.

this was a nice clash of style. witty wrote a simple linear verse about fame, rewards and relapse wrapping it off with a nice little irony bow. objective it appears, was a study on idiosyncrasy in relation to social values/norm. Both had interesting takes but i think one was able to engage me more using simple syntax while the other had a more complex concept, but was not entirely able to communicate the nuance due to lots of unnecessary complex wording. vote, Witty

[Diablo]

It looks like this one is over already, I guess, but it would be a shame not to at least leave some feedback on it since Objective filled in on short notice and Witty decided to grace us with something.

I enjoy seeing Witty play around with rhyme schemes and create a kind of dichotomous back-and-forth to his writing. It’s well honed and refined, so much so even on short notice he’s capable of putting together a verse of this quality. The initial line to the opener threw me for a loop somewhat as I wasn’t sure who “he” was and it added a bit of mystery and intrigue to want to read on and find out who it was in relation to the narrator. It’s clever. The word “thump,” was a good onomatopoeic choice to the heart reference - it’s one I’ve actually used earlier this week for something else. Great minds, eh? The ‘void’ end rhyme can be a tricky one to go off with so little to play with so I was interested in seeing how you would then rhyme yourself out of a tight spot. You made it simple by not trying to and instead switching the scheme up and starting over haha! I see you, though, no love lost. The section immediately after that was actually the better from that stanza, in my opinion, as the “and he’d jump to record,” enjambment felt slightly out place within the structure and scheme you had built up and fit outside of that. The “but first... a little patience,” seemed more in keeping with the rest of the piece and more tied in to what you were doing.

[quite]In demand from award shows to radio stations
He plays to the nation and bathes in their crazy ovation[/quote]

I wasn’t such a fan of “crazy ovation,” used here as an end rhyme, in truth, crazy ovation just seemed an unnatural phrase to use (to me) but what I wanted to highlight here is something I also noted in Lucifer Howlz verse where the rhyme placement in that second line helps the rhythmic cadence or implied rhythm/flow of the line. It’s more than just the “plays to the nation” “crazy ovation” rhyme. The word “bathes” used in between those, with a similar sounding word to the hard masculine syllable sounding AY in “plays” and “crazY” creates this sound of an additional rhyming syllable in between the two multies that carries the line forward. It’s something I see fewer textcees do, but if you sound the line out loud it gives the line a better sound because of that additional rhyme in between. I just find it interesting, hopefully someone else will read it and pick up on it too. It’s subtle, and done well, a very underrated tool IMO. I saw you used the word ‘crazy’ in an end rhyme twice within the relatively short space of 10 lines which isn’t something I would personally do - the proximity is too close and there’s a ton of substitute words you could have used instead.

This was another one-liner I enjoyed because I find it quite simple, but effective:

I remember his eyes, I remember his smile

It says a lot with a little. It has a very universally relatable quality to it, we will all be able to relate to it in some way, especially the eyes and smile, and you did that using just 8 words. It’s short, it’s quite matter of fact, the repetition of the “I remember his,” maybe adds a little more weight and gravitas to the second half of the line. I just really like it’s use, partly due to its simplicity I guess and how it says so much with so little.

The use of the ellipses, mostly in the final stanza, were utilised well too I thought. There are periods where it reads more “train-of-thought” style from the narrators words, almost like he’s thinking about what he’s saying before the words leave his mouth. He is wanting to give some thought to what he’s going to say about the man in the image. It adds a more genuine quality to the character (possibly yourself here) narrating the backstory. Fictitious, or otherwise, it added to the believability in what was being said and so on that front it worked well. The emotion was there, for sure, and I feel if you had more conflict to drive the story - beyond just “here’s a boy that played guitar I used to know, he’s dead now,” it would have added a lot more to the bones of this piece (in my opinion). The guitar felt underused, ultimately, as I felt a lot could have been explored with that either as more of an extended metaphor for something (drug misuse, anxiety, depression maybe?) or even something to do with the guitar case closing for the final time at his funeral / the coffin lid coming down. I haven’t put too much thought into either of those ideas, but right off the bat those are two I think could probably have been implemented to better tie in the guitar more to what you already have there. Just an idea for you to consider going forward. I know you write late. Nice verse.

Objective: You put together more in 24 hours than some more respected names could manage in a whole week. Lol. Be proud of that fact. Your style these days has a noticeable upswing in the sheer amount of rhymes used and rhyme placement used. It’s similar to the line I referenced in Witty’s where I pointed to the “bathes” rhyme. It creates more of an implied rhythmic cadence, so even though you aren’t using multi syllable rhymes a lot of the time - the quick succession of singular rhymes adds another element to what you’re doing over the guys that just rhyme towards the end of each couplet. I’ve also noticed the sheer word count in your stanzas here is vastly reduced down, sometimes to only maybe 12 words in the entire line, and when you couple that shorter line length with the amount of rhymes you’re also including - the pace of the read becomes quite quick, making it a breeze to read through, helped by the cadence of the lines. The main thing you want to look at now you have a good grasp of that fact is you still want to sustain a clear direction to the narrative storytelling. Keep it concise, but also be careful not to lose the reader in amongst all of the flair writing. The main objective (pun always intended) is to navigate the reader from point A to point B, clearly, without them losing their way. It’s a difficult balancing act, trying to tell a well crafted story while also doing these smaller tricks and turns, but it’s the more minor details we look towards afterward in these things. If you have the solid foundations laid first, it’s easier to build on the aesthetics of the structure later. The building analogy pretty much ends there from me, but you’ll get what I mean. The final closing lines seemed wrote more quickly with the deadline approaching, the line lengths slowly creeping up and there was a noticeable sort of shift in the writing. It could have been the time constraints, it could have been you keying quickly to get the verse up on time, i’m unsure but it’s there and is noticeable. Let’s talk about the comparison between these two verses though; firstly it was two different styles in terms of mechanics - Witty favouring the more rhyme scheme heavy verse that bounced the schemes around while telling the story against Objectives more topical take full of rhyme placement. For me, personally, I am more heavily influenced toward rhyme schemes and multi syllabic rhyming so it’s difficult for me to look past what Witty was doing even with me also noticing what Objective employed. So there’s that. The second factor, for me, was the more storytelling based verse against the topical take. Witty’s has the more emotional pull, it’s well crafted in that sense, and I also found that in terms of executing the finale Witty offered a more well-rounded and satisfying ending to me (as a reader) where Objective seemed to rush towards an end with the finish line in sight. I could be wrong, but that’s certainly how I read it, so again in that regard I felt Witty was the better of the two. I enjoyed the very natural, conversational, tone to the piece as if he was speaking directly to me as a reader - almost as if I knew his son from some point - while Objective (in the first stanza) leaned more toward a rhyming verse or spoken dialogue which didn’t come off as plausible in an everyday setting - it took away a sense of realism that Witty almost excelled in with his verse, and reading both pieces back to back within this thread maybe only highlights the differences between the two takes all the more so, it could be why the voting had largely gone the way it has, because when putting them both together (as readers) we have a universally relatable piece from Witty tinged with emotion against a verse that seems more far removed and less like our own every day lives. It’s fun, isn’t it? Anyway, that’s largely what lead to me calling this one as I have done. A combination of the technical prowess, the emotive storytelling, and the way Witty went about executing his story. This is what proved decisive here (for me).

Vote - Witty

Keep those pens moving!

[Adonis]

Witty advances 5-0