smoke and mirror

Darth Yoda · 10-08-2013, 09:38 PM

"
With your permission, my first words will simply be: “Marry Me”,
As your locked eyes grant request I stand carelessly,
The moment of truth, as soon as I get my first whiff of perfume,
She passes me...And greets a different loser, who sits in this room. "

I like the broken up syllables not so internally. Also the repetitive rhyme structure within stanzas helped keep the reader on track.

I suggest performing a bit more forward rather than have the stanza ending speak for the entire predicate/subject. It makes it that much more alluring.

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10-08-2013, 09:38 PM	#8
Darth Yoda Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 408 Battle Record: 6-2 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF Rep Power: 20182439	" With your permission, my first words will simply be: “Marry Me”, As your locked eyes grant request I stand carelessly, The moment of truth, as soon as I get my first whiff of perfume, She passes me...And greets a different loser, who sits in this room. " I like the broken up syllables not so internally. Also the repetitive rhyme structure within stanzas helped keep the reader on track. I suggest performing a bit more forward rather than have the stanza ending speak for the entire predicate/subject. It makes it that much more alluring.