![]() |
![]() |
#1 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,752
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446146 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() ![]() AOWL Season X WEEK THIRTEEN @brokenhal0 Verse Due: FRIDAY JULY 15TH @ 11:59PM Line min: 10 Max: 60 Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311 Topic: ![]() GOOD LUCK |
![]() |
![]() |
#2 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,752
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446146 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]()
Extendo friendo
|
![]() |
![]() |
#3 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 523
Battle Record: 12-12=4
Champed - AOWL Season IX
Rep Power: 3891097 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]()
'' Aye Love You ''
Turn the consolidated stone into consecrated gold light a flare with the driftwood and sip rum to wash away the smoke as the waves crashed I heard gargling screams as bloated body's float the waves fast soaking my jeans still had rubys in the seems of my coat diamond talismans glitter in the blazing embers of oak cindering flame jewels from forgotten palaces of princes and kings whispering your name everybody's dead and im alone drifting away with treasures a long distance remains it don't really matter at the waters edge all existence will drain a canopy covered in cane earths covered in squares my shirts covered in stains jumped overboard to watch the ship go down while covered in flames entering choppy waves under the bridge you can not be saved reminds me of the ocks chopped cheese and it's sloppy taste in distant summits beyond the body lays an active ocean plane where the gods give orcas potions for more imposing brains faced with impotent thoughts he did the most atrocious things abandoned ship during coast guard raids but the hull remains sleeping in the ocean I learned there's no such thing as hope or change sneak thieving on the boat in prisons I beat bozos with a open blade when i was hiding in the moats gators dared to approach my space when i was pirating the senegalese soca gang it was a solstice day rent space on your deck and im known to stay change the shape of reality while you swim in a molten lake but your not melting cause your molding broken shapes molsen ice the fires burn under the northern lights moldy planks hold me tight In the ocean I can see the fireflys and the flying fish looking at the ocean with idle eyes body parts floating like defiled brides kill offs of krill all that bait is piled high in the motions a shark circles it's entire pride 'diner time' I got the treasures with the prize inside it's worth more then any guy could buy I paddled hard like the school teacher who got excited by a childs cry when he questioned god and got sacrificed at the alter of idol signs no vital signs don't buy into believers like Poseidon I don't die I become the drop of devotion in the ocean of your higher mind the captains putting poison in your pints of wine so you can point fingers at the guy inside extinguishing this little light of mine another pirate parading on entitled time individualizing the title pride even oil spills are a small tie of dye in neptunes tidal shrine remember the walls are tiled with piles of fish and firefly's the final find maritime wars greek fire and cyanide dark forces try to force hands but they die in time sliding doors sleigh of hands whose by your side designed to dine on vital forces outta sight outta mind claymores and iron horses annihilated submarines at the fire lines soldiers from another universe sent to kill pirates over violent crimes you in another universe sent to yourself for guidance in times of grime shine divine the ice walls that cover antarctica side is lies if i don't make it to shore then i will die inside that's when things tend to finalize the sky above obscured azure like delilahs eyes the falling ark of noah placed animal souls in your body the hallmark of goa was watching the king cobras teleport through walls in lobby's portions of all raiders endorse this code to copy on the ocean you can meet the soul of ghandi a piece of yourself finds peace in a solar body sand and ash under my toes as I tow - the rowboats beside me he thought he reached samadi cause he knows karate and can control his body plug my mics in open satellites and watch certain humans glow under blackened lights feeling like Cervantes with a calibrated soul salivate and moan he needs to leave the boat consolidated home but he will drown outside his gilded sea a big canoe in a little stream the piss clams squirt under his congealing feet in the middle of trees starving for a taste of salt after that ship wreck he can face it all be happy to survive cause fire has a place to fall as the final sail becomes a shadow beneath the surface we tend to realize sometimes our pride deep sea dives just to defeat the purpose I love you .... ![]() Last edited by brokenhal0; 07-16-2022 at 10:59 PM. |
![]() |
![]() |
#4 |
low tide in serotonin bay
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 2,752
Battle Record: 37-28
Champed - GWL Picture Challenge
- Guerrilla Writing League
- Black August II
Rep Power: 15446146 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() Full Circle
Have you heard? Earlier this week they found a logbook from days forgotten Wearing its age, the spine crooked and the pages rotten It was finally found in a chest on a sandy shore after all the long searches The memoir sealed with a cursive name, adorned with “John Burgess” As the researchers peeled it open, eager of what their eyes would discover They read the phrase printed earnestly on the inside of the cover “Ye would be wise to remember... There be a reason all these seas runneth red Monsters aren’t born, they’re conceived through bloodshed” I was eight when it all began, the world was full of promises Born on the ocean, onto a ship full of colonists My father was a man of prominence, in search of new land for the king Looking to further the long reaching arms of his vast regime Everything was smooth sailing on our maiden pilgrimage Created multiple villages, made them the safest pavilions The thing about exploring new territories is you don’t know where the villains live I still remember the night they found us, their anger, the militance Even the blood moon turned away from us, took a break from its vigilance They’re slaying the innocents, all the women and children hit I still feel the cold piercing through me, the pirates sword steely tips The blade went straight through my naval, the wound wasn’t fatal Whether that was lady luck or misfortunes doing remains to be seen... I watched the scene play out, through half shut eyes, lying on this blood-bathed boat Daddy was the captain so he was the last to go. They asked him if he had any last remarks, he responded with a saddened “no” Then without hesitation they drew a blade and slashed his throat I remember lying there, dying, tears welling in my eyes But only thing on my mind was vengeance, I fought like hell to just survive Fashioned my shirt into a tourniquet, wrapped it around my abdomen Long recovery process, but I had to make sure I hadn’t seen the last of him I remember being fixated on the murderer, never took my eyes off of you And as I grew with this bitterness the irony I became a pirate like you I went from coast to coast with the task of assembling the mightiest crew We spelled your name out in the blood of every titan we slew Remaining in hiding, to catch you off guard and make you pay Then came the date, 20 years exactly from that fateful day —- ———— As for the rest of the story, I’ve hired super star actor Donnie Wahlberg to tell you my vision for the ending! Welcome, Donnie! *Donnie appears from out of nowhere in a fog of green mist, he is Boston* “Yah Mateys!” Donnie proclaims in an accent that borderlines terrible pirate and amazing Brooklyn Brawler. *the audience boos, they wanted Boogie Nights, they obviously have never seen Saw 2 which is a cinematic masterpiece* “Adverse summoned me here to explain the rest of the story he was too lazy to write” Donnie explains. “Sooo it went like this The crew sneaks on to the ship that murdered John Burgess’s father, they kill all crewmen EXCEPT for the captain’s son, Burgess does this to prove he’s different than the murderer, better than him, before filleting him with a sword 20 years pass and Burgess is awakened to the smell of smoke, his ship is on fire ! He looks down into the ocean to see a man with Molotov cocktails on a rowboat, it’s the son of the man who murdered his dad who he then murdered for justice! The story comes full circle, Burgess smiles and returns to his room on the ship accepting his fate and writing one last entry into the logbook. Does John have a son who will one day continue the cycle? The lazy answer is maybe. The credits roll, and the phrase from the beginning is reiterated once again “Ye would be wise to remember... There be a reason all these seas runneth red Monsters aren’t born, they’re conceived through bloodshed” And that’s it! Mr. Adverse can I have my NFT now?” |
![]() |
![]() |
#5 | |
The Man in Black
Join Date: Aug 2021
Location: Oregon
Posts: 557
Rep Power: 3013539 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]()
Halo. If I'm gonna nitpick ANYTHING, it'd be that jeans weren't actually a thing until the 1800s while pirates were around during the 17th and 18th century. Universe kinda did the same thing with energy drinks lol but it's really a small eye twitch rather than a verse destroying mistake. Overall this was really fucking dope. Had the Assassin's Creed Black Flags / Pirates of the Caribbean vibes mixed with Shakespeare. Really liked the pace and narration here. Really good piece, bro.
Adverse, I'm conflicted, boo. On one hand, that first half is REALLY fucking well written. Like, better than your piece last week. On the other hand, that second half, while comical af, really lost what you had going imho. I feel like you should stick to your niche and if your niche is depressing shit than fuck it write depressing shit lol. It was funny though and others may disagree with me. I just feel like you really could've contended here if you maintained what you had going before Donnie Wahlburg appeared. Overall this was a dope battle and I really think the outcome is up in the air, but personally, this would've gone the other way if Adverse kept doing what he was doing while Halo remained consistent from start to finish. Really enjoyed this one fellas but... vote Hal0
__________________
Quote:
|
|
![]() |
![]() |
#6 |
Detained
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 1,838
Battle Record: 16-11
Rep Power: 0 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]()
Dope picture, Idk I get pirrates of the carbean vibes, or maybe just pirrates in general.
The general theme is fire/smoke this season I see Halo Damn opening was "fire" I liked the sip rum and wash away the smoke part, opens this up with a nice picture, I was hoping you would continue woith the consolodated stone/concentrated gold scheme that would have been nice, the rest of the rhyming was okay, the covered in flames section was also cool, schemes stayed on point, I think this is your best verse all season and would have beaten me tbh. Adverse My favorite quote from your piece was The thing about exploring new territories is you don’t know where the villains live, the drew a blade and slashed his throat section was sick, and fought like how to survive, not as long as your other schemes but this read smooth, the ending was kind of ridiculous and kind of funny, like adverse summoned me here part, the NFT part was ridiculous and I can't understand where that fits, I get an image of butters now haha. v/ halo adverse obvisouly phoned it in at the end, it's cool to do experiments like that but don't do that shit in the playoffs LOL. |
![]() |
![]() |
#7 |
Get MacDon
Join Date: Dec 1969
Posts: 2,168
Battle Record: 3-7
Accomplishments - OM HOF
Rep Power: 0 ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]()
Well that was interesting
halo - maybe it’s me, but I felt a good quarter or your lines were just there to rhyme, and gave it a more long winded feeling, then concise and poignant. However, even these “filler” type lines still contributed to the story in a way (meaning they remained on topic and cArried it, but the story would have been the same with or without them.) It would have been nice to see some stylistic show though, which I felt was lacking. The flow was solid, I think there was like only two or three times you may have gone a syllable to many, the story remained on point throughout, and your word choice was solid for the most part… only one part threw me with the tenses and felt like it just didn’t belong “plug my mica into open satellites” - just seemed weird to me here. Overall though pretty solid verse. Adverse - idk wtf you did there lol. I honestly was enjoying your story more, I felt it to be more engaging and your word choice to be better than your opponent. Then I got to the end, and you threw me for a total loop. I mean I don’t even know what to say, you didn’t even try to rhyme it. Lol. It’s like you intentionally threw this round, even with your made up cameo. “Adverse summoned me here to explain the rest of the story he was too lazy to write” Donnie explains.” Pretty much sums it up. Which is why you lost this round, which I truly feel you could have won, even if you didn’t try to go and try to match line for line. Vote- Halo
__________________
FFC>FCC A. bove T. he R. est
|
![]() |
|
|