Week 5: Champ Match: Clutbuck vs Universe [UNIVERSE WINS VIA DQ]

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Clutbuck @Universe


Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: April 24, 2020 MIDNIGHT EST TIME

Topic: This week we have 7 battles so we are doing a 7 deadly sins themed topic this week. You will receive one of the 7 deadly sins. All you have to do is incorporate the sin into your story any way you choose. Think of it as a jumping off point to something broader. Enjoy!

Your topic is : GREED OR ENVY

GOODLUCK!

[Diablo]

READY WHEN YOU ARE FAGGOT

[Universe]

Best of luck, Lars.

Want to go 40-50 lines?

[Diablo]

Originally Posted by Universe

Best of luck, Lars.

Want to go 40-50 lines?

Sure.

[Universe]

Chapter Three - The Water's Edge

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=142747

Chapter Four: Loose Ends

*The following continues directly after the events of Chapter Three. If you haven't read it already, or if you need a refresher, please take a look back before beginning this chapter.

"Surrounded by the flames of jealousy, the jealous one winds up, like the scorpion, turning the poisoned sting against himself." - Friedrich Nietzsche

......

Death has a secret... that's what I thought as I gazed at the waterfall
Envy is a blessing in disguise but I never prayed to a God at all
All sins are basically absolved, my sister's remains were in a box below
I can still see the look on her face, lips posed in an awkward 'Oh'
The rape got her off with a groan, it was like a reverse birth to me
Her skull could surface in the weeds, my sister always turns up it seems...
Since she was a senior I planned for a wedding and nursery
Her name was Anna... It all comes full circle on our anniversary
I gave her the third degree when she met her future husband Nick online
He was constantly on my mind, I was jealous of him for the longest time
I wished I walked a mile in his shoes, I'm tripping over loose ends untied
Nick left her high and dry; Why? Your guess is as good as mine
I beheaded my sis in '09, boxed it and dumped her in the tide
Police mustn't have questioned my lies cuz I'm the luckiest man alive (right?)
But trapped deep inside lies the ugliest guy a mask can find
I mostly seem to be above reprise, no media covered my impassioned crimes
But I expect to discover the reasons behind it, no doubt there's a lesson
Arresting me was no longer the answer, it was just out of the question
So I hopped in my 2017 Kia LX and turned on my GPS (don't laugh)
In a seething sweat I pictured myself peeling Nick's peachy flesh
That's so appealing yet in reality that's how my loyalty commenced
Watching Anna have sex on webcam... yeah, I pledged my allegiance then
The Kia's needle raised off red, I must've stopped and gassed it up
I drive envisioning what could be done... Time flies when you're having fun
Suddenly a creature jumped in the street, I swerved to avoid the hit
Felt a thud, tires spun... the wheel jerked and destroyed the rims
Anna's voice joined in, "If you don't get what you deserve then life's pointless"
"Those opioid binges will only rob the purpose from your choices"
I enjoyed this thought, I feel the mass appeal of a crash can heal
Bent axles and wheels, I found myself roadside with a cracked windshield
It was an old engine, but some ingenuity had me gunning it real quick
I swore my front end had been clipped but there was nothing in the ditch...
Good riddance... Anyway my main motivation was seeing Nick in pain
Got back on the road, I continued even though my GPS complained
The hours came and went, I made the trip to Nick's suburban home
This Harvard homo had a God damn picket fence and a garden gnome (asshole)
'Soon he will gnome me' I spit, funny but this is no time for quips
I pulled a knife and sliced a wrist, got hard while blood dried on my skin
Thought of my next of kin; Anna crying.. Nick leaving at dawn..
I reached for the glove box and got my .38 to even the odds
Broke into the garage, saw two gleaming cars in the cleanest spots
Opened the door to the house and wondered, 'why don't they keep this locked?'
Nice place I thought, then hate erupted... Now I'm on a mission
I instinctively snuck down the hallway towards the light in the kitchen
The truth's right in front of me; Hard journeys sometimes can't be complete
I passed my reflection -- My eyes wide with dark circles underneath
Told myself 'Don't concede', sorry but this guy's got to go
Rounded the corner slow, Nick was cooking stir fry on the stove
This is for breaking Anna's heart you vile monster, I WILL have her revenge
Why take it one step at a time when we all go mad in the end?
That's when he turned around and said "Ben... what are you doing here?"
He wasn't scared and that frightened me... He just kind of coolly stared
"Sit down" he said "I'll make you a plate, just call next time, okay?"
He yelled out, "Hunny! Your brother's here!" And my neck must've caved
Cuz something snapped inside, chills ran up my spine in a deep shock
That's when my sister walked in (fuck)... and I instantly dropped...
It all went dark; I recalled her dismembered body.. her kids in the loft dead
Wondering, if she's alive... What the hell was in that box then?
Must be off my rocker yet I'm quite aware life isn't fair
While looking behind the mirror it appears all the hints were there...

"... I kept cutting in the dim light, trust me I couldn't make this up..."


"... Isn't it strange how people blinded by love have to disappear to see visions? …"

Anna said, "Have you been off your meds again?"... "Ben, you gotta listen"
Then she mentioned something about a Doctor Dixon and hospital visits
"God damnit" she said, "Use your brain, it's what your thick skull can't protect"
"Don't you get what I'm saying, Benjamin? It's just all in your head!"
"You've always been jealous of us!" she yelled in the evilest tone
"Call us breathing heavy and barely speak on the phone... Leave us alone!"
I was happy to see her unbroken but couldn't say what I came here to say
Her children rushed in alive and well and huddled behind their parents legs
They thought Uncle's here to stay; I'm just another person once dispersed
The nature of my reality had managed to pave the way for something worse
So I removed the pistol from my shirt, applied the steel to my lips firm
This is to be sure all debts are paid... Signed, sealed and delivered
"Benjamin... don't!" <- The final desperate plea from my sister
I heard a whisper,"The secret is..." I hurry and pull the trigger...

Bam.

Wanna know what happened next? I imagined I felt the heaviest round...
In my chest... a flash of red... I'll tell you the rest when in the ground
When my eyeballs are eaten out and my insides disemboweled
My body violently getting pulled down with my head in the clouds
You only start to question if heaven's profound when the devil's around
Guess this is what occurs when a body of water is too empty to drown
I was born the deadliest prowler mixed with the world's friendliest clown
But I know death's secret sound, so tell me ...

Who's envious now?

[Diablo]

There once was a Goose, clut-bucking as ever,
stuck in a coup wanting to rustle some feathers.
So he doubled his efforts to wake the barn with his presence
by garbling excessively to get The Farmer’s attention.
A steeled arm was extended to prise the goose from its home
but it flew from the throne, up over the head of its furious foe.
A beautiful golden egg sat nestled in straw
“I bet it’s still warm,” thought the goose eyeing the egg it had formed.
A yellowing aureate of ovular shape
from the top of its apex to the round-bottoming base.
The agronomist ached with astonishment. His greedy palms on the pellet
as quick as the farmer was headed to the market to sell it!
“Who’ll start me at seven... ty?” he gauged his audience
who gazed in awe of this otherwise inane subordinate.
“I’ll take it,” called a quibbler with one hand in her purse
as what he was asking was certainly below it’s actual worth.
The Farmer was happy just earning without having the burden
of so much as planting a turnip or to drive a tractor in person.
He headed back with determination to pet his favourite geese
celebrating each and every egg it laid with glee. Seven days a week.
But wealth had made him greedy, the more he had the more he wanted
causing problems when he couldn’t supply those who bought them off him.
The fall in profit saw him opt for a far more drastic measure
he grabbed his feathered friend by the neck and clamped his hands together.
The added pressure meant The Goose choked its reply
to a betrayal as cold and concise as its emotionless eyes.
The smallholder surmised that with a slowing production
to cope with the public demand he needed gold from its stomach.
His overindulgence a total injustice in the end when instead
of plenty of eggs, he finds his prized possession is dead.
The metaphor centres around avarice, but really its pay off
is how greed has a way of always leading to great loss.
The meaning in Aesop’s fable fits the topic that’s at large
but our quarrel that you started shares a moral at its heart:
It’s one where you’re The Farmer, while I play the silly goose,
just waiting in its coup for you to make your little move.
Your mistake was thinking too much of the gold in your sights
and not devoting your time toward what matters most in your life.
Your own appetite is what consumed you with greed
in the ludicrous need to line your nest while the goose was asleep.
You were too eager to have it all in your hands
which caused you to snatch, losing the little you already had.
The more you’ve been granted, the more you’ve expected
just to come up short for neglecting your most important investment.
If you store all your eggs in one basket and then it gets stolen
all you’re left with is yolk on your face so treasure this moment.
The egg that seems golden just may be misleading
the same as we seen in our fables completion.
Impatience and greediness meant The Farmer’s life soon changed
when he realised too late it had all been a wild goose chase...

[Adverse]

Championship match was everything it was cracked up to be this week guys, this was quite a read and i’ll try to break it down the best that I can though I can see why nobody else in the league has tried and touch this one yet. Both competitors really came to battle.

Universe - First and foremost fuuuuuuuuuck you for making me read that much, come on man it’s Friday! Haha but in all seriousness it was worth every single line imo (which I don’t know if Clut even agreed to go to that high of a line limit?) Anyhow, I spoke in the chat this week about how awesome I think it is that you have this interconnecting story stretching over the span of the league season. I think it’s interesting that no matter what the topic is, you find a way to bend it to what you want it to be and keep telling your story. Thought this one was interesting, you had your topic rooted here throughout. I liked the recap you gave at the beginning, makes it easier for first-time readers to jump into your narrative and also humanizes your character in my eyes, because he’s constantly reliving this nightmare. That regret feels really human. I think that’s important in a story for us the reader to feel what our character feels. I liked the descriptiveness of the scenes as fell, whether it was at the falls, or driving/wrecking the car or at Nick’s house I think you painted a picture in my head of what these places look like and did that well just through brute imagery. And the heel-turn at the end was executed well, with Ben finding out his sister and the kids were still alive, liked quoting two of the lines from last week’s chapter to refresh what had happened and also just let us peer into Ben’s mind as he replays his (supposed) memories of what had happened that night. But out of everything I think I was a fan of the last little verse the most

Wanna know what happened next? I imagined I felt the heaviest round...
In my chest... a flash of red... I'll tell you the rest when in the ground
When my eyeballs are eaten out and my insides disemboweled
My body violently getting pulled down with my head in the clouds
You only start to question if heaven's profound when the devil's around
Guess this is what occurs when a body of water is too empty to drown
I was born the deadliest prowler mixed with the world's friendliest clown
But I know death's secret sound, so tell me ...

Who's envious now?

Just the imagery of him decomposing and having his head “pulled down from the clouds” as he’s buried stuck with me. And the last bit about knowing death’s secret and tying that back around to the topic with the “who’s envious now?” was dope. I think you shined here, there were some fatty parts that could have been trimmed but all in all I was satisfied with the narrative, I loved the twist, and most of the imagery and descriptiveness, even if it was just “padding” felt just as essential as any other bits of the story. So props there and good job on the verse this week.

Clutbuck - I really liked your narrative, you kind of went through this classic story of greed. The goose who lays the golden eggs, the farmer who gets so greedy cashing in on these eggs that he winds up killing the source of his wealth. I think this is a story that is still relevant today tbh. And then I liked the way you spun it into your own story in the end. That’s what I really like about your writing, it’s proficient, refined and super technical but that doesn’t restrict the way you tell your story, it doesn’t get in your way like it does these other really technical writers, you’ve found a way to perfect your style. You had some nice imagery here and things that appealed to all five senses which I enjoy as a reader. “A yellowing auerate of ovular shape” rolled off the tongue and was a great description. It was like butter. There were many other examples of it as well that one just stuck out the most. I think much like Uni, your ending was your strongest point and I think you did a great job of wrapping up your topic with a nice bow on top.

If you store all your eggs in one basket and then it gets stolen
all you’re left with is yolk on your face, so treasure this moment.
The egg that seems golden just may be misleading
the same as we’ve seen in our fables completion.
Impatience and greediness meant The Farmer’s life soon changed
when he realised too late, it had all been a wild goose chase

I really like referring to the farmer’s endeavors as a “wild goose chase” because it brings us back to the golden egg as well as having its on meaning. Really good way to wrap up a verse and was a good read throughout.

Overall, this may come down to personal preference for a lot of people because there wasn’t much wrong with either verse. On a writing level both were pretty evenly matched and both showed that they belonged in this championship. Personally, I’m leaning towards Uni because I was more engaged with his story.Not only was it a good continuation of the narrative he’s been telling throughout this season, it was a good piece in its own right. It was a lot more ambitious than Clut’s and in taking those bigger risks story-wise, Universe has been also getting a pretty great payoff because of it. He’s crafting a great story and i’m excited to see if he can keep these threads connecting together. This is just one man’s opinion and i’m excited to see the other votes because they may completely disagree with me, that’s what I loved about this battle is there’s such an awesome verse on either side and I’m sure it’ll end up close. Great battle guys.

V/Universe

[Candy]

universe:

dope story telling dude it was long and some ways drawn out but you still had solid substance of combined bars to hold the majority of it together.. the story delivery was def cool it read very smoothly.. rhyme structure wasnt off the hook but it didnt hinder so it def suited the piece.. all in all man a real solid verse here from you the climax of the story was dope..

diablo:

hey man i really really liked this i think creatively its off the scale.. i think that rhyme wise and quirkiness was out there to.. your direction was hot.. i think the flip to making it about your opponent lost a lil of the flavour you had going but that was just me.. though saying that your end punchline was dope.. all in all cool and cute piece.. thanks..

vote = universe

his story was just that much fuller as an overall read in containing the reader.. cool match guys thanks

[Bodey]

Jee. Zuz. CHRIST

I hate you guys. this shit was fire.

Uni- i think this is the best i've seen from you tbh. that twist at the end man, i absolutely loved it. the garden gnome line made me smile. your whole piece had exactly the shit i love: morbidity, dark humor, twists and turns, and clever lines throughout, including the subtle type lines "tripping over loose ends untied" and the GPS complaining. you just have this way of breathing life into pieces like this, and i'm glad i had the patience to read it all, like god damn. i've been avoiding this thread for days. anyways, you're a sick fuck Uni. and i like that

Clut- this was also a well thought-out adventure, absolutely dope. also had casual witty lines scattered throughout. "clut-bucking as ever" lol. silly goose, wild goose chase, eggs all in one basket, etc. "all you’re left with is yolk on your face, so treasure this moment." that was definitely my favorite line of the whole thing. dude, you literally had me feeling sad for these geese, like shit.

i hate battles like this because at the end of the day-- and i said the same about another one last week-- that it basically comes down to the reader's preference. because you both did an outstanding job with your topics. i'm going with Uni on this one because i found his story more creative, and honestly one of the most imaginative of this week. but that by no means overshadows clut's quality of writing, like both were really dope.

thx

v/Uni

[Scar]

oh man now this is a clash of titans here.

universe, fuckin loved it. I don't know how much of the feedback last week played to the overall plot progression of your series but the whole retconning of the event of last week was more favorable, at least to me anyway lulz. This series is dope. seems like a short individual story but this installment and last week's installment are the most connected. As a sucker for twist, this shit was right up my alley. although i did though the beginning was a bit longwinded, but to your credit, there were some downright disturbing and chilling moments. "I can still see the look on her face, lips posed in an awkward 'Oh'". that was fucking crazy and sick lulz. So the story concluded with the revelation that the whole ordeal was in his head. it played perfectly to the week's topic because well, envy seems to be the driving force behind the guy's action, right? i think my only problem with this verse and perhaps your style in general is this need to insert these wordplays that really break the tone of the verse. "Arresting me was no longer the answer, it was just out of the question" to me it draws too much attention to itself and not in a good way you know? like "hey guys look what i can do! pretty cool, huh?" Other than that, well your one of my fav if not m FAV in the league for a reason. your dedication to the craft is inspiring my man. hope you continue to write long after the league is over.

diablo, oh man this is a modern day aesop's fable! I've seen you do this over at the other site before and while it may seem cheesy, i fuckin love it. The main thing is the heart of it. Its honest. Its your personal feeling about a matter, but clad in elite level lyricism and admirable writing in general. Something i've always been fan of, in regards to your writing is the natural wording. Like its not forced at all. it just fits perfectly like it was meant to be there you know? again, hard to explain but its how i see it. This verse is about greed and the underlying current event here is you vs uni and perhaps his Pyrrhic victories as you seem to imply that he's obsessed with winning, and will eventually lead to some kind of demise. While i'm incline to agree with the first point, he does seem very competitive, but honestly, i have no qualm with it cause it allows him to produce lots of dope ass verses you know? But yeah i think its a nice little character study using a popularize fable to throw shades and yolks at the opponent lulz.

damn this is a close one and to me, very worthy of champ match. I thought both story was engaging. One was an original screenplay for the thriller audience while the other was an adapted screenplay that was film for the independent circuit. I really enjoyed them equally, shit! Ok, since its so fucking even, i'll have to go with process of elimination. I think there is less flaws in one verse than there are in the other. It comes down to mechanics and with that said by the smallest strand of salma hayek's hair ..

v/diablo

[brokenhal0]

universe: just pours it on with imagery emotion feeling a tru writers writer
the SEVEN MOVIE i peep u ...i mean theres too much to say this was a heavy
flex in terms of your lyrical endurance and while some of it came off a bit eminemish i feel that you really took the reader for a ride i appreciate your skill


diablo: dropping serious gems this felt more darker to me its teaching and
your vocab was top notch a excellent example of conceptual lyricism
i feel like you capture the topic and held it in a more focused place just enough balance while still keeping the reader engaged


vote = Diablo by a very minuscule gnat hair

[Pharaohs Army]

Don't really feel like giving a vote on this one (again). As I could go either way at the moment.

Universe
Technically sound and good storytelling. A little trite with the ol' "off my meds, imagined it all" angle. Truth be told, I enjoyed your sidestory of the car crash better than the whole plot and entity; why? Couldn't tell you. I'll try. The rhymes and the detail of the car part just caught my attention.

I find it interesting that Universe's piece was more about Envy and Diablo's was about greed. I thought they were two separate sins but based on the setup page it appears I'm probably wrong?

Diablo
Also technically sound and good storytelling. I guess I'm not the only one who noticed undercurrents of a metaphor relating to your opponent's plan to take the crown. Could be imagined but I saw some evidence there of that.
The story itself is rather simple, greedy farmer, but told eloquently.

I'm not enamored with Universe's over use of shocking moments (beheadings rapes suicides), so if anything that takes away from him when it comes to my personal opinion. Despite this, his story kept me a little more engaged whereas the goose story was just the slightest bit bland, despite the technical proficiency.

So I edge this to Universe

And no one should be DQd or forfeited IMO

[MMLP]

Ffs, turning a blind eye to the shitstorm going on,

Universe - okay so I see you continued the same theme/storyline on from last week? Big risk, also going on for so long. I wasn’t as impressed with it last week as other voters had said, I hate to say. I think its mainly due to the size of the piece, some bits seemed to drag, ya know? there were parts I really enjoyed, as anyways the flow is brill, smoothish read with some technical skill but also some spots with syllable mismatching and awkward rhymes (maybe it’s the accent?) that don’t sit well with me. Solid showing, worthy of a champ match for sure overall but 80 lines isnt something I wanna see often but it worked here

Clut: LOL I think you went for Greed with an fun take to start off, the fable of the golden egg was a fantastic route to go imo, and as fun as it was the rhyme scheme is what really sold it as it was just effortless at points around the introduction of the golden egg BUT the real kicker for me personally is when things “flipped” at a midway point and you twisted it into how yours and Uni’s paths came to cross and as to WHY he had lost this one by being greedy. I'm not sure this resonated with most tbh, don’t know how you came to predict that but it was spot on. you must have read his mind on what he would try to do, and yeah even the whole ‘really the pay off/is how greed as a way of leading to great loss,” was exquisite my friend. this stands up on second and third reads as well, nice work. from the opening with the Clut-bucking mention which we then know is actually you and the last 16 or so lines were where you really sold it and put such a spin on it. I liked both verses but ultimately cults was better to read n more thought provoking n challenging in the right sense. I see what u did here

vote - NCs villain, clutbuck.. he just had the better verse on this day, quiet simply imo

[~RustyGunZ~]

Lars is DQ’d

Universe wins

[Inno]

Yeah the evidence has piled up against you lars.

It only did you make up a fake convo with UNI to justify your claims.


But you went and sway hard by accusing a mod of being in a voting ring?
Can’t let that slide. Also you know what you tried to do last week. I had to stop that shit too. Now you pulling this? Sad part is you could of won this off votes and votes alone. After the battle was reopened you got votes aabd it’s 4-3 now. Smh