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04-11-2015, 01:09 PM
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,632
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Champed - Haiku Writers Challenge
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what kind of titles did Neighbor make maybe I should do one of those idk
asphyxiation leaves my palms red,
something up my sleeve- blink & see em all dead. Reverse Renaissance. meet with Danté, & burn in a pond. wrist flick, flaunt blade, insert into jaw; vault off the deck, retrograde sheath as I flee the context, turn & I'm gone, drop flames under false names in a permanent scrawl, the purp in the bong could make centigrades weep. y'all meditate weeks while I'm teeing off threads, rehearse every drop just to squeak a false threat, Ezio's dreams couldnt beat this content. I'm certified raw it takes a seven day siege before I leave your moms bed. I germinate seeds while you fertilize lawns. I'm bout it, sons, count to a thou- curtain call, & I got a thousand-one. My arsenal's packed, fuck it- rob a bank in broad day in a carnival mask, Put your hard-earned in the duffel with the other poverty STACKS BLAT
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04-11-2015, 01:47 PM
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nok Su kow
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,505
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Rep Power: 51788022 |
disgusting
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" |
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04-11-2015, 02:08 PM
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#3 |
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DOHpe since 02'
Join Date: Aug 2004
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Nice
The permanent scrawl /retrograde sheath part impressed me the most But "it takes a 7 day siege b4 I leave ur mom's bed" iono. Loved it. Couple of dry spots like the false threats part..actually that's the only segment I didn't like Rest was cool Nice flex faggot
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It’s like weed in Highschool- w/ the cans I’ll smoke you
Bitch I floss . I Got the chain out to see like Constantinople |
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04-11-2015, 03:42 PM
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Detained
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 234
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How the fuck does a centigrade weep??
Do you even know what a centigrade is? |
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04-11-2015, 04:19 PM
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,632
Battle Record: 3-5
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04-11-2015, 04:59 PM
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DOHpe since 02'
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Surrounded by white ppl
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I'm smiling
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It’s like weed in Highschool- w/ the cans I’ll smoke you
Bitch I floss . I Got the chain out to see like Constantinople |
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04-11-2015, 05:03 PM
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nok Su kow
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,505
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lolll
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"black as midnight..black as pitch blacker than the soul of the foulest witch" |
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04-11-2015, 05:25 PM
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DOHpe since 02'
Join Date: Aug 2004
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flames/centigrade
Only connection I can make Perhaps itsNothing to take literally. Just a weird sense of the grandiose Vintage split. From my perspective Ur rhyme schemes are a bit Moar tolerable now BTW Alot more actually
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It’s like weed in Highschool- w/ the cans I’ll smoke you
Bitch I floss . I Got the chain out to see like Constantinople Last edited by El Muffin; 04-11-2015 at 05:30 PM. |
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04-11-2015, 07:14 PM
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Detained
Join Date: Mar 2015
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Put into a comma when we take e(m)out
Take M out of comma Coma And I'm taking em out meaning I'll take out guns and shoot ur dick off Centigrade is an old term for Celsius. SO SURE, MAKE A CELSIUS CRY. Who knew A unit of measurement for temperature has so many feelings it could weep Last edited by Mutilate; 04-11-2015 at 07:19 PM. |
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04-12-2015, 06:07 PM
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,632
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idk, weed's so fire that even temperature itself is like damn
I think you're reading a bit too much into it. I don't do longbar
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04-12-2015, 06:11 PM
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¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Join Date: Feb 2015
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Thank you Mufflestiltskin
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04-12-2015, 06:41 PM
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Arm the Homeless
Join Date: Jan 2013
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This is the least Split verse I've ever read, and it's pretty fucking great, mane.
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04-15-2015, 04:19 PM
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Genghis Khan Vuitton
Join Date: Jan 2013
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Before I leave feed, who is Dr Dog?
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Even signing my autograph’s like writing a slaughter pact |
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04-15-2015, 04:27 PM
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Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
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I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
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04-20-2015, 03:34 PM
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with razor spurs
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: At David Blaine's favorite place with David Spade and Macy Gray
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Wow. This was very different from you, good Doctor.
First off, this felt much more fluid and spontaneous then your normal works. It had a real fun vibe to it, was a faced paced and enthralling read, I quite enjoyed this change of pace from you. There were still signature elements of doctorism in your wording enough to know that someone with real skill and experience, such as yourself, wrote this piece. Everything was crisp and concise. Excellent brick of butter. I wished it was longer. Stay around, and help bring this section back to life! p.s. he named them like Budapest. Perhaps you should do "Boston" |
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04-24-2015, 12:42 AM
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#16 |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
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I like it. What I noticed was the rhyme scheme. You tease out nice internal rhymes and return to a previous end rhyme. Very dope once this is realized and inflection adjusted accordingly. This is good and as an aside I like it better than your bedside manner piece. Good technically.
The way rhymes are displayed are something I'm analyzing and experimenting with, and I feel like it might serve you to put more on each line, like doubling the length of some lines before going to the next line. Or even doing it all in "para".. Because the writing/rhyming is so sound here, that that kind of format could show the reader how flexible the rhymes/breaths can be, whilst keeping the tempo, regardless of where the line breaks. You wrote it though. So that is just my opinion... just sayin' put it in a para & take a look@it. You take an ABAB or an ABBA or ABBBA and make them unique, due to the complexity of A or B, etc. I mean that's what we all do kinda, lol. but u did it well here. |
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04-24-2015, 03:12 PM
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obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
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sucked thx
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