Death Rattle

Xces · 04-08-2013, 06:15 PM

Mr eager harkened the darkness beneath my impartial conceit.
He conceived a theatre distressed, an eased me into death
Relieving my inherent weakness of being a creature of flesh.
His speaking of intents besieged me with the deepest of regrets
When seething breath excreted “I’ve seen you repressed,
As a peon dressed in a priests robe, deceived by a sect.”
Contempt embalmed me, as I skulked, baring scalding heat.
In the darkness, I heard the ghosts of Carthage call to me
Barking a carrion bargain, “Care for the impoverished,
Prepare the starving to feast. Then lead the sheep
To slaughter, well ensnaring them in their beliefs.”
I arose barely bearing anything comparative of the scene
Yet a raring scream sunk deep, tearing me at the seams
The serpents sleek wearing was carried in my sleeve
An each beating of my heart, prepared him for release.
A carriage, thought a chariot, flared by mares at speed.
Brought despair an deaths corsairs to cherished seas.
The herring ceased their seasonal pairings to flee
An the people flocked for bequeathed knowledge
Beneath a deceitful prophet, seeking merited relief.
The narrative preparing the children of Eden, barren
To receive a gospel, hymns an misanthropic tariff
Authored by a seraph wrought with implausible grief
As ears accosted of his speech, bought into receipt
“Our god deemed father would seek martyrs an priests,
To march for seeds sprouted of dew harboured in breeze.
Seek through flesh carved, renewed harvest an leaves,
Leave no non-follower to be a father whom breathes.
Seek farther then hawks wander flocked in retreat,
To bring children of lost homage, to our cause of reprieve,
Waive not their shamed taunts, kill all who naught believe.”
Shaken conscious came a beast, a lion caustic in frame,
Who rode tireless, across his domain, a thoughtless Crusade.
-Jesus

-This was my verse for AOWL this week, but I suffered a no show. No hate to Que I understand he had a lot to do with work and all that so I have no hard feelings just frustration of the first week I was in being a no show win.

Anyways, Feedback would be appreciated.

Frank · 04-08-2013, 07:12 PM

Hell of a verse. Exceptional work right here. The flow was clean as spring water. Piece screamed unity. Really good stuff here. Well written. The piece was well written. You know when you know a piece is well written is when you look at the computer screen and scan the verse and some of the words start looking like script in places. Like a blurr.

To march for seeds sprouted of dew harboured in breeze.
Seek through flesh carved, renewed harvest an leaves,

heavy earth tone

willymuff2 · 04-08-2013, 07:27 PM

thsi reminds me of a derek mahon poem or something really complex

Xces · 04-08-2013, 10:37 PM

Man, Willymuff that's a sick compliment I appreciate that. Hadn't heard of him, so I looked it up. He's a great writer.

Split · 04-09-2013, 06:54 AM

Reserved for feed

Zen · 04-09-2013, 12:07 PM

Damn man. This really was a nice fuckin piece and it's a damn shame this was no showed forreal. Honestly I don't know if anyone would've been able to beat this and maybe thats why they didn't post lol. Excellent multis, excellent rhymes, and most importantly an excellent message. Great work X. I'll be looking out for your next drop man.

04-08-2013, 06:15 PM	#1
Xces Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 66 Battle Record: 2-0 Rep Power: 38	Death Rattle Mr eager harkened the darkness beneath my impartial conceit. He conceived a theatre distressed, an eased me into death Relieving my inherent weakness of being a creature of flesh. His speaking of intents besieged me with the deepest of regrets When seething breath excreted “I’ve seen you repressed, As a peon dressed in a priests robe, deceived by a sect.” Contempt embalmed me, as I skulked, baring scalding heat. In the darkness, I heard the ghosts of Carthage call to me Barking a carrion bargain, “Care for the impoverished, Prepare the starving to feast. Then lead the sheep To slaughter, well ensnaring them in their beliefs.” I arose barely bearing anything comparative of the scene Yet a raring scream sunk deep, tearing me at the seams The serpents sleek wearing was carried in my sleeve An each beating of my heart, prepared him for release. A carriage, thought a chariot, flared by mares at speed. Brought despair an deaths corsairs to cherished seas. The herring ceased their seasonal pairings to flee An the people flocked for bequeathed knowledge Beneath a deceitful prophet, seeking merited relief. The narrative preparing the children of Eden, barren To receive a gospel, hymns an misanthropic tariff Authored by a seraph wrought with implausible grief As ears accosted of his speech, bought into receipt “Our god deemed father would seek martyrs an priests, To march for seeds sprouted of dew harboured in breeze. Seek through flesh carved, renewed harvest an leaves, Leave no non-follower to be a father whom breathes. Seek farther then hawks wander flocked in retreat, To bring children of lost homage, to our cause of reprieve, Waive not their shamed taunts, kill all who naught believe.” Shaken conscious came a beast, a lion caustic in frame, Who rode tireless, across his domain, a thoughtless Crusade. -Jesus -This was my verse for AOWL this week, but I suffered a no show. No hate to Que I understand he had a lot to do with work and all that so I have no hard feelings just frustration of the first week I was in being a no show win. Anyways, Feedback would be appreciated. __________________ "A culture is only as great as its dreams, and its dreams are dreamed by artists." -L. Ron Hubbard

04-08-2013, 07:12 PM	#2
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	Hell of a verse. Exceptional work right here. The flow was clean as spring water. Piece screamed unity. Really good stuff here. Well written. The piece was well written. You know when you know a piece is well written is when you look at the computer screen and scan the verse and some of the words start looking like script in places. Like a blurr. To march for seeds sprouted of dew harboured in breeze. Seek through flesh carved, renewed harvest an leaves, heavy earth tone __________________ *VETWORK*

04-08-2013, 10:37 PM	#4
Xces Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 66 Battle Record: 2-0 Rep Power: 38	Man, Willymuff that's a sick compliment I appreciate that. Hadn't heard of him, so I looked it up. He's a great writer. __________________ "A culture is only as great as its dreams, and its dreams are dreamed by artists." -L. Ron Hubbard

04-09-2013, 06:54 AM	#5
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899399	Reserved for feed __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

04-08-2013, 07:27 PM	#3
willymuff2 Junior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 2 Rep Power: 38	thsi reminds me of a derek mahon poem or something really complex

04-09-2013, 12:07 PM	#6
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	Damn man. This really was a nice fuckin piece and it's a damn shame this was no showed forreal. Honestly I don't know if anyone would've been able to beat this and maybe thats why they didn't post lol. Excellent multis, excellent rhymes, and most importantly an excellent message. Great work X. I'll be looking out for your next drop man.