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08-18-2014, 09:39 PM
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#1 |
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native system
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 387
Battle Record: 18-21
Champed - Short-Verse Topical
Rep Power: 4453411   |
Bitches Gonna Love This Verse
In that instant..
I'm a story stained in whiskey Consistently visceral In between whispers, she can feel it in her ribs that she misses me The shimmering absinthe is missing - from her derelict decanter She's a modern metaphysical romantic - with terroristic candor & she's terrible with answers she found nestled in some stanzas In some dirty book on a rainy day in Brooklyn, Maine or Long Island, New York - it's all the same Any place; my face is still lingering behind her The fire's fizzling inside her. Infinity's expired I'm a long-forgotten string of words - Original, syntactic She said she'd bring them to the casket Imagine her if she had heard that misery begat them I'm a list that's shrinking fast or I'm A ship in a bottle of gin She's haunted within by something she forgot to forgive But constantly caught up with his dossier of hymns She's growing catatonic - I'm a story racing to a close I'm the fairly murky reason that she's taking off her clothes And it isn't taking place alone - I'm last call at half past I'm one for the road - Two for "God Damn, that fat ass.." She cuddles alone - in the morning, she's a bluebird Singing freely - and she doesn't truly thinks she needs me She's beautiful and seemly - her mind faces no intruders Till the evening When she starts shooting Jimmy quickly and I'm a story stained in whiskey |
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08-18-2014, 09:40 PM
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#2 |
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βгοкε ㄴεςηαг
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 2,245
Battle Record: 9-4
Champed - 1-2 Punch League
Rep Power: 12760964 |
Soulstice? Is that you?
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08-18-2014, 10:24 PM
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#3 |
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native system
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 387
Battle Record: 18-21
Champed - Short-Verse Topical
Rep Power: 4453411 |
Last edited by Soulstice; 08-18-2014 at 10:41 PM. |
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08-19-2014, 06:00 PM
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#4 | |
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Banned
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,956
Battle Record: 6 - 14
Rep Power: 0 |
Quote:
rainy day / Maine - cleverly done. it is good throughout but it's hard to match such a strong beginning all the way through. that part made me want "more of that" tempo.. from a content perspective it's interesting and well-done how we seem to be brought in to this woman's thoughts/feelings (she), in general, but also in relation to you (I)... + very good descriptions and metaphors.. ha i think bitches would love the verse but you'd have to change the title for them to love it |
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08-26-2014, 06:13 PM
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#5 |
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native system
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 387
Battle Record: 18-21
Champed - Short-Verse Topical
Rep Power: 4453411 |
anyone
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08-30-2014, 03:12 PM
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#6 |
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Razor-thin derision
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25
Accomplishments - OM HOF
Champed - Fight Night LIV
- Gimmick Battle League (2x)
- Write Week II
- Art of Writing League
- Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament
- STI
- Haiku Writer Challenge
- GWL Picture Challenge(2x)
Rep Power: 49604320 |
Heavy changes in tempo and overall a very strong vibe, almost like being forceful while sweet talking.
I'm a long-forgotten string of words - Original, syntactic She said she'd bring them to the casket ^Good. In between whispers, she can feel it in her ribs that she misses me ^This piece and the term 'whispers' don't match, IMO. You're exercising a rough tongue so there's no room for strawberry sorbet at this point. 'Feel it in her ribs'; a little sensationally strange. Her gut/stomach/core/heart, are alternatives. Ribs is a so-so choice. The shimmering absinthe is missing - from her derelict decanter She's a modern metaphysical romantic - with terroristic candor & she's terrible with answers she found nestled in some stanzas ^This is what I meant by heavy formatting. The words are dressed but it moots the meaning, obscuring the true clothes. It was alright. |
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