Bitches Gonna Love This Verse
 

In that instant..
I'm a story stained in whiskey
Consistently visceral
In between whispers, she can feel it in her ribs that she misses me
The shimmering absinthe is missing - from her derelict decanter
She's a modern metaphysical romantic - with terroristic candor
& she's terrible with answers she found nestled in some stanzas
In some dirty book on a rainy day in Brooklyn, Maine
or Long Island, New York - it's all the same
Any place; my face is still lingering behind her
The fire's fizzling inside her. Infinity's expired
I'm a long-forgotten string of words -
Original, syntactic
She said she'd bring them to the casket
Imagine her if she had heard that misery begat them
I'm a list that's shrinking fast or I'm
A ship in a bottle of gin
She's haunted within by something she forgot to forgive
But constantly caught up with his dossier of hymns
She's growing catatonic - I'm a story racing to a close
I'm the fairly murky reason that she's taking off her clothes
And it isn't taking place alone - I'm last call at half past
I'm one for the road - Two for "God Damn, that fat ass.."
She cuddles alone - in the morning, she's a bluebird
Singing freely - and she doesn't truly thinks she needs me
She's beautiful and seemly - her mind faces no intruders
Till the evening
When she starts shooting Jimmy quickly
and
I'm a story stained in whiskey

Soulstice? Is that you?

perhaps..
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=89375
http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=87984

this stood out to me as the most impressive portion from a technical/rhythm standpoint. excellent.
rainy day / Maine - cleverly done.

it is good throughout but it's hard to match such a strong beginning all the way through. that part made me want "more of that" tempo..

from a content perspective it's interesting and well-done how we seem to be brought in to this woman's thoughts/feelings (she), in general, but also in relation to you (I)... + very good descriptions and metaphors..

ha i think bitches would love the verse but you'd have to change the title for them to love it

anyone

Heavy changes in tempo and overall a very strong vibe, almost like being forceful while sweet talking.

I'm a long-forgotten string of words -
Original, syntactic
She said she'd bring them to the casket
^Good.

In between whispers, she can feel it in her ribs that she misses me
^This piece and the term 'whispers' don't match, IMO. You're exercising a rough tongue so there's no room for strawberry sorbet at this point. 'Feel it in her ribs'; a little sensationally strange. Her gut/stomach/core/heart, are alternatives. Ribs is a so-so choice.

The shimmering absinthe is missing - from her derelict decanter
She's a modern metaphysical romantic - with terroristic candor
& she's terrible with answers she found nestled in some stanzas
^This is what I meant by heavy formatting. The words are dressed but it moots the meaning, obscuring the true clothes.

It was alright.