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03-01-2014, 11:36 PM
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#1 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 264
Battle Record: 11-5
Rep Power: 146919   |
Biker
The son of a widow trying to solve the riddle of life
My kids will cry their little eyes out while I beat the shit out my wife Nowhere in sight until you’re getting knifed…In a fight to the death I get mine and wave the blood at another club member’s chest Wearing a fitted hat with a snub under my cut/leather vest No regret, Never Forget, POW MIA tats on my neck Got my patch on my back and a pat on the back, But can only get out if it’s a matter of death I ride with my peers in a pack with no fears Growing our bonds stronger and longer than our Duck Dynasty beards When it’s time to drink beers, your pleasure is finding me here Kick it with me and drink whiskey while I’m shinning my gear Take a shot and light a cigar and get in a fight at the bar So many near death experiences and I tell the stories with scars It’s a shame that I’m the one to blame …They say I would've made it unharmed If only I was wearing my helmet when I got hit by that car Last edited by Bender; 03-02-2014 at 02:07 AM. |
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03-01-2014, 11:44 PM
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#2 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 264
Battle Record: 11-5
Rep Power: 146919 |
I haven't done a topical in a while, I prefer battling but I will leave some feedback tomorrow on a few pieces.
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03-01-2014, 11:49 PM
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#3 | |
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obsessed
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: fucka idiyote
Posts: 5,709
Battle Record: Faggot-1
Accomplishments - can recite entirety of shrek 2
Champed - tangoed with spider man behind scenes in spider-man 2
- was candidate for gerber baby 3x
- smush parker like bb comment on instagram saying "u fucka suck idiyote"
- smush beer on head and didn't cry
- parallel parked in between 2 ferrari's in tonky truck once
- when saying pledge of allegiance i said "i don't" lmao deadass bb satan
- won tshirt from taco bell saying "taco cat" is the same backwards for filling out 500 surveys in a
- neighbor house caught on fire i call FIRE department and saved lives, was in newspaper
- set neighbor house on fire lmao
- fuck neighbor husband and wife
- first fish caught resembled david ortiz
- colin kaepernick
- related to genghis khan
- elected assistant to the vice president assistant to the president for regional chess club
- never lost game of hide and seek
Rep Power: 8599682  |
nice. your strength here was ease of reading, not depth. the storytellin came to an abrupt halt which was actually very satisfying based on many other pieces that ive read recently. =p
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precision defender Quote:
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03-02-2014, 04:31 PM
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#4 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 264
Battle Record: 11-5
Rep Power: 146919 |
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03-02-2014, 10:59 PM
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#5 |
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Tsk Tsk
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34
Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17
Rep Power: 9946449 |
My kids will cry their little eyes out while I beat the shit out my wife
WTF kind of opener is this? I don't whether I should feel angry, ashamed or amazed that you put this, either way, dope beginning. Decent writing. read almost like a flex, only in topical forum. solid writing for sure, the key with topicals is in the details. I my self love the gruesome, so instead of just saying "They say I would've made it unharmed, If only I was wearing my helmet when I got hit by that car" going into detail about the pain of being struck, flying in the sky, head scrapping the gravel, killing the other car driver even flying through the windshield... To me, this would have been the difference between solid and dope.
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I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR |
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03-05-2014, 02:47 PM
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#6 |
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___________
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: California
Posts: 1,989
Battle Record: 4-4
Champed - The Ultimate Textcee
- NBL Cypher
Rep Power: 11033512 |
easy read lol at the topic of a bikers perspective
a few cool visuals the ending was sort of abrupt but overall not bad |
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03-07-2014, 10:41 PM
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#7 |
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Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 264
Battle Record: 11-5
Rep Power: 146919 |
thanks for the feedback
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03-07-2014, 11:24 PM
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#8 |
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V.V
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: .
Posts: 2,076
Battle Record: 31-20
Rep Power: 6247259 |
I liked some parts of this piece. I think adding some of his personality in the mix would have made him sound less stereotypical, not to say bikers are not actually like this.
The story switched kind wierdly toward that last part about the car crash imo. Overall, for such a short drop, you managed to fit more than enough in to where one wouldn't necessarily need to ask questions. Good job and keep droppin.
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Ahem. |
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