It Was A Dream...

Mr. J · 06-07-2013, 12:13 AM

Twisted deep into a spiral, the image was vital
needed...some say it was a gift, given from the bible
it made living and survival come with restrictions to hide you
because no one wants to see whats hidden inside you
so we abide to the rules, become bed ridden and trifle
imagine how it could be if you were lifted to my view...
a sinner's revival, dancing in the candle lit abyss
where the last hope to the world is handled with a kiss
see what you like, when you can, the rest is a dream or a lie
the truth if you see it, the rest you could seemlessly despise
we could evenly divide the choices, set a goal, keep it in sight
wake up your paranoia to the point you believe with your eyes
where...was I? creeping aside, watching the weak and the blind
who fought every moment, here's a shot...keep it in mind
oh how pitiful...a sinner's revival...in the candle lit abyss
the last light...hope...blown out and handled with a kiss

Coup · 06-09-2013, 05:57 PM

reminds me of Judas Iscariot and the betrayal of Messiah....a dark world in the mind and this represents a sickness so vile, so unseen that we must keep diligent to be clean.

good jabbing drop.

Not the doppest IMO, and here is why. These inner sickness type verses, the ones like this that are full of demonic energy come cheaply because why ?

The heart is desperately wicked and this type of stuff is aided by unclean spirit.

Only one comment so far ? tough crowd here.

CopyPat · 06-10-2013, 12:54 AM

cool shit man. i would safely say i didn't REALLY get what u were trying to say here.. i mean i get the gist of it but i feel like lots a people write shit kinda like this if u know what i mean??? just didn't really hold my attention. aside from that the scheming was quite good.. the flow was really smooth, some vocab/complexity so no complaints there. just didn't seem like you but alot into this concept wise. regardless i like reading ur shit cause it flows haha, stay up dude. would like to see you on a brag piece haha

Geno · 06-10-2013, 06:56 PM

it made living and survivalcomewith restrictionsto hideyou because no one wants to see whats hidden inside you

Dope

Mr. J · 06-13-2013, 07:39 PM

I totally agree

Just Write · 06-13-2013, 08:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. J

Twisted deep into a spiral, the image was vital
needed...some say it was a gift, given from the bible
it made living and survival come with restrictions to hide you
because no one wants to see whats hidden inside you

this was a strong opener and i agree, nobody want to see whats inside you.. especially yourself. one of my deepest fears is to see myself how others view me (im probably an asshole)

so we abide to the rules, become bed ridden and trifle
imagine how it could be if you were lifted to my view...
a sinner's revival, dancing in the candle lit abyss
where the last hope to the world is handled with a kiss
see what you like, when you can, the rest is a dream or a lie
the truth if you see it, the rest you could seemlessly despise

this was pretty raw too, my only gripe is that seemlessly is not a word, you could have meant seamlessly but still it wouldn't fit given its definition

we could evenly divide the choices, set a goal, keep it in sight
wake up your paranoia to the point you believe with your eyes
where...was I? creeping aside, watching the weak and the blind
who fought every moment, here's a shot...keep it in mind
oh how pitiful...a sinner's revival...in the candle lit abyss
the last light...hope...blown out and handled with a kiss

kinda redundant using candle lit abyss and handled with a kiss twice, although i get the whole wrap around idea so i guess it works

i enjoyed this piece, wish it was a little longer and that you would have drawn some more emotion out of the dark feel to it but for what was there it was good, good technical skill and an advanced vocab. stay up man.

and if you get time can you peep my piece with serious g'lookin fam

Mr. J · 06-14-2013, 11:53 AM

the repitition is only to close on...and "hope" is the flame that's blown out

Eŋg · 06-23-2013, 12:16 AM

idk, I though that phrase 'handled with a kiss' and the fact you repeated it was gay as fuck. The first time you mentioned it the tone of your piece seemed to switch some, too. There were some sparse moments where you spun enough internal rhythm to say... aight. Some phrasings like 'seemlessly despise' were...

...I mean, idk. Weren't really feeling it on the whole. You need more of a reason to write.

Battle Hymns · 06-23-2013, 01:15 AM

I'm not surprised that you're like to write about that DARK shit.

I see that you liked watching the movie Old Boy. For some odd reason this piece gave that sort of evil feel. That movie depressed the shit out of me.

You're flow is decent but there is no harm in having a few multi syllabic rhymes

Other than that, the content was dope, it was well written and very graphic.

see what you like, when you can, the rest is a dream or a lie < -- Dope.. Enuff said

06-07-2013, 12:13 AM	#1
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	It Was A Dream... Twisted deep into a spiral, the image was vital needed...some say it was a gift, given from the bible it made living and survival come with restrictions to hide you because no one wants to see whats hidden inside you so we abide to the rules, become bed ridden and trifle imagine how it could be if you were lifted to my view... a sinner's revival, dancing in the candle lit abyss where the last hope to the world is handled with a kiss see what you like, when you can, the rest is a dream or a lie the truth if you see it, the rest you could seemlessly despise we could evenly divide the choices, set a goal, keep it in sight wake up your paranoia to the point you believe with your eyes where...was I? creeping aside, watching the weak and the blind who fought every moment, here's a shot...keep it in mind oh how pitiful...a sinner's revival...in the candle lit abyss the last light...hope...blown out and handled with a kiss __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

06-09-2013, 05:57 PM	#2
Coup Don't believe the hype Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 572 Battle Record: 4-5 Rep Power: 0	reminds me of Judas Iscariot and the betrayal of Messiah....a dark world in the mind and this represents a sickness so vile, so unseen that we must keep diligent to be clean. good jabbing drop. Not the doppest IMO, and here is why. These inner sickness type verses, the ones like this that are full of demonic energy come cheaply because why ? The heart is desperately wicked and this type of stuff is aided by unclean spirit. Only one comment so far ? tough crowd here. __________________ What is public must be legit, fit for average consumption, don't forget. What is private is handled by pirates, prying loose profits from prosthetics. To tell the difference between: first remain unseen with a steady breath and hope, then listen to the cracks in the wall with a stethoscope.

06-10-2013, 06:56 PM	#4
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	it made living and survivalcomewith restrictionsto hideyou because no one wants to see whats hidden inside you Dope __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

06-13-2013, 07:39 PM	#5
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	I totally agree __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

06-14-2013, 11:53 AM	#7
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	the repitition is only to close on...and "hope" is the flame that's blown out __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

06-10-2013, 12:54 AM	#3
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	cool shit man. i would safely say i didn't REALLY get what u were trying to say here.. i mean i get the gist of it but i feel like lots a people write shit kinda like this if u know what i mean??? just didn't really hold my attention. aside from that the scheming was quite good.. the flow was really smooth, some vocab/complexity so no complaints there. just didn't seem like you but alot into this concept wise. regardless i like reading ur shit cause it flows haha, stay up dude. would like to see you on a brag piece haha

06-23-2013, 12:16 AM	#8
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	idk, I though that phrase 'handled with a kiss' and the fact you repeated it was gay as fuck. The first time you mentioned it the tone of your piece seemed to switch some, too. There were some sparse moments where you spun enough internal rhythm to say... aight. Some phrasings like 'seemlessly despise' were... ...I mean, idk. Weren't really feeling it on the whole. You need more of a reason to write.

06-23-2013, 01:15 AM	#9
Battle Hymns Loves Meth Join Date: Jun 2013 Location: Some where in the city of CHI Posts: 243 Battle Record: 0-2 Accomplishments - Founding Father of Hip-Hop Rep Power: 37	I'm not surprised that you're like to write about that DARK shit. I see that you liked watching the movie Old Boy. For some odd reason this piece gave that sort of evil feel. That movie depressed the shit out of me. You're flow is decent but there is no harm in having a few multi syllabic rhymes Other than that, the content was dope, it was well written and very graphic. see what you like, when you can, the rest is a dream or a lie < -- Dope.. Enuff said