Netcees - It Was A Dream...

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It Was A Dream...

Twisted deep into a spiral, the image was vital
needed...some say it was a gift, given from the bible
it made living and survival come with restrictions to hide you
because no one wants to see whats hidden inside you
so we abide to the rules, become bed ridden and trifle
imagine how it could be if you were lifted to my view...
a sinner's revival, dancing in the candle lit abyss
where the last hope to the world is handled with a kiss
see what you like, when you can, the rest is a dream or a lie
the truth if you see it, the rest you could seemlessly despise
we could evenly divide the choices, set a goal, keep it in sight
wake up your paranoia to the point you believe with your eyes
where...was I? creeping aside, watching the weak and the blind
who fought every moment, here's a shot...keep it in mind
oh how pitiful...a sinner's revival...in the candle lit abyss
the last light...hope...blown out and handled with a kiss

reminds me of Judas Iscariot and the betrayal of Messiah....a dark world in the mind and this represents a sickness so vile, so unseen that we must keep diligent to be clean.

good jabbing drop.

Not the doppest IMO, and here is why. These inner sickness type verses, the ones like this that are full of demonic energy come cheaply because why ?

The heart is desperately wicked and this type of stuff is aided by unclean spirit.

Only one comment so far ? tough crowd here.

cool shit man. i would safely say i didn't REALLY get what u were trying to say here.. i mean i get the gist of it but i feel like lots a people write shit kinda like this if u know what i mean??? just didn't really hold my attention. aside from that the scheming was quite good.. the flow was really smooth, some vocab/complexity so no complaints there. just didn't seem like you but alot into this concept wise. regardless i like reading ur shit cause it flows haha, stay up dude. would like to see you on a brag piece haha

it made living and survivalcomewith restrictionsto hideyou because no one wants to see whats hidden inside you

Dope

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr. J (Post 70794)

Twisted deep into a spiral, the image was vital
needed...some say it was a gift, given from the bible
it made living and survival come with restrictions to hide you
because no one wants to see whats hidden inside you

this was a strong opener and i agree, nobody want to see whats inside you.. especially yourself. one of my deepest fears is to see myself how others view me (im probably an asshole)

so we abide to the rules, become bed ridden and trifle
imagine how it could be if you were lifted to my view...
a sinner's revival, dancing in the candle lit abyss
where the last hope to the world is handled with a kiss
see what you like, when you can, the rest is a dream or a lie
the truth if you see it, the rest you could seemlessly despise

this was pretty raw too, my only gripe is that seemlessly is not a word, you could have meant seamlessly but still it wouldn't fit given its definition

we could evenly divide the choices, set a goal, keep it in sight
wake up your paranoia to the point you believe with your eyes
where...was I? creeping aside, watching the weak and the blind
who fought every moment, here's a shot...keep it in mind
oh how pitiful...a sinner's revival...in the candle lit abyss
the last light...hope...blown out and handled with a kiss

kinda redundant using candle lit abyss and handled with a kiss twice, although i get the whole wrap around idea so i guess it works

i enjoyed this piece, wish it was a little longer and that you would have drawn some more emotion out of the dark feel to it but for what was there it was good, good technical skill and an advanced vocab. stay up man.

and if you get time can you peep my piece with serious g'lookin fam

the repitition is only to close on...and "hope" is the flame that's blown out

idk, I though that phrase 'handled with a kiss' and the fact you repeated it was gay as fuck. The first time you mentioned it the tone of your piece seemed to switch some, too. There were some sparse moments where you spun enough internal rhythm to say... aight. Some phrasings like 'seemlessly despise' were...

...I mean, idk. Weren't really feeling it on the whole. You need more of a reason to write.

I'm not surprised that you're like to write about that DARK shit.

I see that you liked watching the movie Old Boy. For some odd reason this piece gave that sort of evil feel. That movie depressed the shit out of me.

You're flow is decent but there is no harm in having a few multi syllabic rhymes

Other than that, the content was dope, it was well written and very graphic.

see what you like, when you can, the rest is a dream or a lie < -- Dope.. Enuff said