Realer niggas

KennyCerealBowl · 05-21-2013, 09:53 PM

Uh known from smoking herbs thats foreign,
Till it feels like four swords punctured in'
In which I breath oxygen a freak artisian
Till my schemes margarine, I mean artistist
Can't believe its not butter, nd fucking fly, stomach flutters,
When I begin to write letters,
I strive to write better,
When I sight errors, I might suffer
From the cluster of dissapointment.
But I just muster up and get improvement
But now it's like "I suck!?, oYea! then prove it"
Atleast one did so my thoughts go out to him
Even though he probably don't like me
Oh well bite me, i'm the true MC
Cus I see feeds thats negative I turn it to a positive
The competence in my pen is fucking massive
It's inconsequent to bicker constant that my flows below average
I'm not asking for compliments but the common respect
I should get for posting in this piece of shit, rotten web
No disrespect, well instead maybe a lil'
Maybe a widdle' but ain't mad ya probably white as the widow
That settles my pupils like pillows, and to be real though
Ya probably softer than that

Subtitles · 05-21-2013, 10:18 PM

foreign/punching in/artisan/artistist

stopped reading.

KennyCerealBowl · 05-21-2013, 10:31 PM

Thanks for the tip man

Mr. J · 05-21-2013, 11:55 PM

This is cool, feels like it was finished on the first outing
which is good for these type of pieces, you got the idea down
but you really don't know what you are aiming to do after awhile
it seems like you really try to go for that lyrical edge..but
you somehow miss it just a bit...otherwise it's a work in progress
keep working at it man

UnoQuattroThres · 05-22-2013, 07:02 AM

I agree with J, this was all over the place in the latter half. Wording was irratic like you were searching for words to rhyme with and couldn't find them so you just made up words....You have the idea, just work on staying with one topic, one direction as far as the story aspect of it and spell check works wonders....keep elevating...

Natural · 05-22-2013, 06:17 PM

This isn't very good. I don'tt know if your diss toc"A True Emcee" was suppose to be so subtle or not but it definitely wasn't very impactful. It was a push if anything. You need punches if your gonna try and diss someone or their piece.

The rhymes were random and kinda just thrown out there.
My advice to you is to try and use perfect rhymes for a little while and see how it works for you.
Your slant rhymes are just out there.

KennyCerealBowl · 05-22-2013, 06:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Natural

This isn't very good. I don'tt know if your diss toc"A True Emcee" was suppose to be so subtle or not but it definitely wasn't very impactful. It was a push if anything. You need punches if your gonna try and diss someone or their piece.

The rhymes were random and kinda just thrown out there.
My advice to you is to try and use perfect rhymes for a little while and see how it works for you.
Your slant rhymes are just out there.

I wasn't trying to really diss true mc just push like you said.
and i'm working on my slant rhymes and assonants.

Split · 05-22-2013, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KennyCerealBowl

I wasn't trying to really diss true mc just push like you said.
and i'm working on my slant rhymes and assonants.

Your slant rhymes won't work unless your perfect rhymes/ multis work

Your first assignment

Write a piece with the following scheme pattern

A...B
A...B
B...C
B...C
C....D
C...D
D....E

Until you get to letter H. The rhymes must be multis, syllables must match

So

Backwards fit/ half perfect
Running congested/ fun intervention

Would both be fine

You can have filler where the "..." are but the lines must all have the same syllable count to within 3 syllables throughout the piece

No extra internal rhymes

THIS IS DUE 06/05/2013
Good luck

Ghost1 · 05-22-2013, 06:35 PM

This nigga is real as fuck.

KennyCerealBowl · 05-22-2013, 06:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bags

This nigga is real as fuck.

I'm to real for a real nigga.

Mike Wrecka · 05-22-2013, 06:40 PM

he's probably the most gangster kid in his all white middle school

Split · 05-22-2013, 06:42 PM

Also I will be giving you a grade from A- F, failure to follow directions will negatively impact your grade, having an interesting piece or impressive multis will help your piece as well. Tag me in your post

KennyCerealBowl · 05-22-2013, 06:49 PM

Alright good looks split I'll get it done!

Dope girl · 05-22-2013, 10:57 PM

This was better than the last one, interesting piece of work!

05-21-2013, 09:53 PM	#1
KennyCerealBowl Do what is right. Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 769 Rep Power: 954121	Realer niggas Uh known from smoking herbs thats foreign, Till it feels like four swords punctured in' In which I breath oxygen a freak artisian Till my schemes margarine, I mean artistist Can't believe its not butter, nd fucking fly, stomach flutters, When I begin to write letters, I strive to write better, When I sight errors, I might suffer From the cluster of dissapointment. But I just muster up and get improvement But now it's like "I suck!?, oYea! then prove it" Atleast one did so my thoughts go out to him Even though he probably don't like me Oh well bite me, i'm the true MC Cus I see feeds thats negative I turn it to a positive The competence in my pen is fucking massive It's inconsequent to bicker constant that my flows below average I'm not asking for compliments but the common respect I should get for posting in this piece of shit, rotten web No disrespect, well instead maybe a lil' Maybe a widdle' but ain't mad ya probably white as the widow That settles my pupils like pillows, and to be real though Ya probably softer than that

05-21-2013, 10:18 PM	#2
Subtitles Member Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 81 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 37	foreign/punching in/artisan/artistist stopped reading. __________________ Fuckin wit my helmet. I'm so concrete, I'd stretch you on it.

05-22-2013, 07:02 AM	#5
UnoQuattroThres 143 is here.... Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 31 Battle Record: 0-1 Rep Power: 37	I agree with J, this was all over the place in the latter half. Wording was irratic like you were searching for words to rhyme with and couldn't find them so you just made up words....You have the idea, just work on staying with one topic, one direction as far as the story aspect of it and spell check works wonders....keep elevating... __________________ I stay an Infeckted Pen....

05-22-2013, 06:40 PM	#11
Mike Wrecka WOW Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,591 Battle Record: 29-25 Champed - Writing Challenge League I Rep Power: 82779338	he's probably the most gangster kid in his all white middle school __________________ A.bove T.he R.est

05-22-2013, 06:42 PM	#12
Split . Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 8,898 Battle Record: 27-22 Rep Power: 85899399	Also I will be giving you a grade from A- F, failure to follow directions will negatively impact your grade, having an interesting piece or impressive multis will help your piece as well. Tag me in your post __________________ http://split8.yolasite.com

05-21-2013, 10:31 PM	#3
KennyCerealBowl Do what is right. Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 769 Rep Power: 954121	Thanks for the tip man

05-21-2013, 11:55 PM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	This is cool, feels like it was finished on the first outing which is good for these type of pieces, you got the idea down but you really don't know what you are aiming to do after awhile it seems like you really try to go for that lyrical edge..but you somehow miss it just a bit...otherwise it's a work in progress keep working at it man

05-22-2013, 06:17 PM	#6
Natural Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 659 Rep Power: 0	This isn't very good. I don'tt know if your diss toc"A True Emcee" was suppose to be so subtle or not but it definitely wasn't very impactful. It was a push if anything. You need punches if your gonna try and diss someone or their piece. The rhymes were random and kinda just thrown out there. My advice to you is to try and use perfect rhymes for a little while and see how it works for you. Your slant rhymes are just out there.

05-22-2013, 06:49 PM	#13
KennyCerealBowl Do what is right. Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 769 Rep Power: 954121	Alright good looks split I'll get it done!

05-22-2013, 10:57 PM	#14
Dope girl Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: I live in Florida Posts: 4,789 Battle Record: 3-8 Rep Power: 55521419	This was better than the last one, interesting piece of work!