WEEK SIX: ADONIS (2-2) vs FRANK (1-0) FRANK WINS 4-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK SIX, HALFWAY POINT
@Frank @Adonis

Verse Due: FRIDAY MAY 6TH @ 11:59PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

This week’s topics are keywords selected from a randomized generator.

Topic:
DISTORTION



GOOD LUCK

[Adonis]

Topic: Distortion
Title: ~Dialing Tunes~

Turning the radio on, hearing the C A C kle of static
That low hummed *Kuuuxxx* signifying nothing in ballad

...

As “The War” wages on we swing into things
Using music as an escape from the death that it brings
Serenading Sinatra dropping bombs but of peace
Leaving rhythms that wake up souls while on leave
*Kuuuxxx*
Musics alive - Generational talent
The King Rock n Rolled on the scene with unmeasurable balance
From fainting ladies to panties being flung where he dances
A ring of fire is lit with a somber voice that’s been calloused
*Kuuuxxx*
The dial is tuned, now, Motown reigns supreme
Psychedelics are formed through Hendrix’s strings
The birth of pop shot through Beatles as the Brits hit mainstream
Still, music’s in writing, up to this point; but we’ll Get Around this regime
*Kuuuxxx*
Cocaine’s at the forefront, Disco, rattled the cage
Shoving a knife in the side of the progress we’ve made
Luckily though, elemental warriors created letters in sound
Earth, Wind and Fire planting R’s and B’s in the ground
ABC’s are as good as 1-2-3’s, the Mic is owned by them now
At the same time a genre’s made Kool; flows with a gang of loud bounce
*Kuuuxxx*
Video killed the radio star, MTV, TLDR
Glam Rock had us mock the state where we are
But The King of Pop took a walk on the Moon from afar
At the same time, Madonna walked this way, selling sex as an art
*Kuuuxxx*
Nsync took the backstreet, creating a culture of lust
All for the Teen Spirit, Shotgun full of fluff
This Grunge vibe was alive as Deathrow sentences thrived
Instruments glide, peppered by guns and roses alike
*Kuuuxxx*
Outkasts are the talk, Eminem beat the system down
Structuring flows to form rhythms as file sharing is found
Souls sought can be lost, Aaliyah kissed the sky from the ground
U2 could, but these decades have been watered then, drowned
*Kuuuxxx*
Now all that’s left is EDM, CPR is needed right now
We’re shafted in ears, big dick energy plough
We’ve been beaten down Bad Baby, in need of more than just a lil Xan
But I call bullshit, cause BTS is CBS, global yet damned



Disclaimer AGAIN ** C A C Kle is only typed funny because simply spelling it out will not work ***kle as such

[Frank]

…Jackson continued waving from the window, at his admirers, as rain continued, misting euphoric
Waving at the crowd that got further & further away, until they became too dissonant to record it
Jackson rolled up his window, the rain kissing his forehead: the fans were going ballistic, but he simply ignored it—
The rainy weather was still astringent & sordid: the taxi drivers filthy windows made the city look gritty & morbid
The Taxi Driver asked, again, “What’s happening, Jackson?” this time, Jackson put on his walk-man
Listening to the storm
The traffics rhythm started sounding like a symphony chorus, the synth of the cars, the sound of pistons, emission and torquage
The sound of hitting the horn, mixing, with the musicians chords, was brilliance, other musicians continued to board
The storm hit like symbols & forks and the sound system filtered & sorted the sound waves, disproportionate
The drizzling storm drowned out everything sounded so distant and thwarted, the fans voices were vociferate with hoarseness
The Taxi Driver, asked again, “What’s Happening, Jackson” this time, his voice traveled like a Michelin Tour Bus

Thousands of Jacksons fans on a New York City corner: with hopes of getting his autograph, scribbled, on his infamous portraits
The rain trickling on him, causing the ink to bleed, until, the signature appeared like a cryptic forging

It continued pouring

The driver of the taxi, adjusted his rearview mirror, so that The Musicians reflection wasn’t ambiguous or corporate
After a long shift, the driver’s eyes started to play tricks on him: as his vision became transfixed and dormant
The radio’s signaling started to blip in orbit and the signals coordinates failed to transmit reporting's
The radio was playing Jackson’s music, but the staticy commute made the whole experience of listening, horrid
Jackson looked out of his window, as rain continued; unflinching & forcive, each driblet, stripped & extorted
The Musician paid it no mind, while the meter ran into the triple-digits and costed him a ri-dicu-lous fortune
Jackson commented on the rain

“Isn’t it gorgeous?”

Rain got into his hair, slicking it for him, fixing his corset
“I just flew in from doing a show in the city of Portland”
The rain muffled him, so, it sounded like The Musician said to the Taxi Driver
“I’m visitor—Poorest.”

The Taxi Driver didn’t know English. He only understood directions & cross streets, vicinities for visiting tourists
Knew getting you to the airport: within minutes of boarding. How to maneuver, through the traffics algorhythmic enforcement
He knew the streets, like the grid of his palms, they commissioned him for exploring
The Southside, the Westside, the Eastside, he didn’t take trips to the North end
The windshield wiper continued wishing and washing, as Jackson, peered, out of the window reminiscent, exhausted

They say misery loves company; there's just something about it, that makes our job more than just a delivery courtship

“What’s happening” he asked again, with a limited cortex, like an immigrant, foreign
Jackson continued to wave into the rain, the crowd uncivilly swarmed him with picture assortments
Their pigments were orange, their facial expressions stayed in the reflections of the Taxi’s sitting in storage

The disfigurement warped the vehicle into a super positioned vortex

The Driver couldn’t figure out why they were soliciting & hording
Because he was ignorant of the significance of the musician’s importance

Just then

Jackson’s mannerisms metamorphed and his star power caused the onlookers expressions to transfix with adornment
There faces twisted & contorted until there expressions became flipped and deformative
He wasn’t used to people not recognizing his flamboyance, his celebrity, his privilege, his gift and endorsements
The driver didn't recognize Jackson from his thriller performance, he was more concerned with being gypped or shorted
He didn’t want to cause a scene, because he thought, he wouldn't want to risk being a civilian deported
So, when the Taxi Driver looked at him like he was just a poor man: Jackson’s self image, tinged with deplorement
The Musician momentarily soaked it all in and absorbed it, as the rain transported him, to a poverty-stricken world
That wasn’t rich or imported
The fans made a collision course for him, assistive & supportive, as Jackson tripped with yore into miseries stormage
The Taxi Driver turned off the meter and asked the musician "if he could afford it"

As the transmission distorted

[Dominate]

Adonis,
This was superb take on the topic IMO. Not just the initial idea of distortion = radio white noise, but the way you used that noise, the changing of a radio station, to show changing eras and styles of music, and building into your assertion that what passes for music in the modern day is itself a distortion. Brilliant. I've never considered or seen how you would spell that noise before, but "kuuuxxx" seems right hahaha. That opening couplet was really well written. "signifying nothing in ballad" was terrific. There were a lot of instances of good turns of phrase throughout actually, and you successfully hit some nostalgia buttons along the way. I've now got LA DI DA, SAY DO YOU REMEMBER stuck in my head, so thanks for that. This is definitely the strongest piece you've written all season IMO. The only aspect of your writing here that was a little weak was the rhyming. You typically had just a single syllable end-of-line rhyme. You didn't need to try to match what you probably knew your opponent would bring in that respect, and content/wording is definitely more important, so if it had to be a choice for you due to time constraints or whatever then you made the right one... but still, you did the absolute bare bones minimum with rhymes and it did stick out as a weakness. But overall, a strong piece. Great job.


Frank,
Conversely, your rhyming immediately stands out as an enormous strength. I've seen and written verses where the same multi is held all the way through, but this is even more than that - the density of the rhymes is phenomenal. Not all the multis line up perfectly in terms of matching syllables, but I think the density of the rhymes actually turns that into something that gives the piece an interesting and unique rhythm rather than being a little jarring as it would be if the not-quite-perfect rhymes were more spaced apart. I didn't get around to voting on your battle last week, but I did read your verse, so I understood you picking up here where that one left off. Not a lot "happens" here in terms of action/narrative, but that's not at all a criticism - I've read and written a number of 'complete' stories here in the past weeks, and while that format is fine too I really appreciate the difference you're bringing here by just writing single scenes and writing them well. Really impressed by the way you bring the small details to life and develop the taxi driver's character in particular. This was an excellent piece of writing even aside from the impressive rhyme scheme it adhered to all the way through. My only gripe here is that I felt like the connection to the topic was a little tenuous. There are lines like "The drizzling storm drowned out everything sounded so distant and thwarted" and "There faces twisted & contorted until there expressions became flipped and deformative" that fit the word DISTORTION but it's more just like some of the details of the piece are inspired by the topic rather than it being a central theme. I guess you could call the taxi driver's ignorance of who his passenger is a distortion... maybe... that's a bit of a reach to me. The rhyme scheme being inspired by the word you were given helps a bit I suppose. One other technical gripe - you're clearly over the line limit here... even allowing for stylistic/formatting choices, 40 lines max x 15 words/line max is 600 words and you're at 728. Not sure how your opponent and Adverse feel about that... I'll leave that to them though and not consider it in my vote.



Vote:
I thought both pieces were quite strong. Quality of writing in terms of content alone was fairly evenly matched. The two major points of difference here for me were that Adonis had the better take on the topic, but that Frank had the far superior mechanics. Ultimately I'm a little more impressed with Frank's writing, so I'll vote for him. Really good battle.

V/ Frank

[NYCSPITZ]

Thought this was a very dope battle. Adonis this is a pretty fire verse, when people do pieces like this it’s all about keeping it fresh, and the mechanics/delivery/flow, even the grammar & structure were all on point. Thought you worded shit very well and it came off polished. Lil Xan line, THrowing R’s and B’s earth fire wind line, it was nice, I even enjoyed the *kuxxxx* thing. My only gripe is that with pieces like this, where you’re using first person omniscient (or whatever the fuck person it is @oats @Certain @deadman @sacrifice for confirmation) it can come across as a bit lazy and gimmicky because you’re essentially being a cultural critic by using short observations which you don’t have much space to flesh out. It doesn’t hit as hard in a league with a deep roster where I (personally) value certain elements like depth and creativity a bit more. I had no issues with the verse as a standalone piece, however, and thought it was a dope lil verse.

Frank’d verse was way different, he had instances where he fucks up the syntax or whatever, morphing a noun into an adjective or some shit, but it’s whatever to me b/c I personally don’t give a shit about that unless it’s like, really bad. Here the grammar was just creatively misinformed, or something. I thought the concept of it was cool with MJ tripping and getting to escape the fanfare for a sec with the cab driver thinking he’s a poor guy. Overall the “distortion” element was woven into the story a bit better than Adonis, from the cab driver mishearing jackson to the concept of him tripping the whole time etc. Cool descriptions like the rain falling on his face, was feeling it. Think it tied into your last week’s verse too which was cool.

Overall this was a preference vote but I got Frank edging it out, wouldn’t be surprised if others saw it differently according to personal preference

V/ frank

[Master Rock]

Pretty decent showing here. Both dudes did their thing of course. Adonis took a different route more with a radio changing area few verses it was almost like the stations were changing which was really cool I like the concept a lot. But Frank's story was much more engaging and made want to keep reading to see what's going to happen next. Interesting that he chose Jackson out of everything. It really place me inside the vehicle and inside the mind state of Jackson if he were to hear music everywhere. Very cool. Adonis's verse was cool but Frank's verse was much more engaging. So I'm giving it to Frank.

[brokenhal0]

Adonis : Great take on the topic the hiphop music era scheme has been done before but you finessed it and did just enough in my ears it would sound great recorded this is like subjective voting cause i would consider your written more of a statement then a story driven concept but its still a clear and concise take on the topic but lacked the engagement of being that i feel like frank brought with his verse.


Frank: When a good writer gets in the zone its noticeable and this week you definitely ''zoned'' the character engagement
the plot the lyricism and most importantly the correct technique and punctuation
in writing the English language something I can work on.. this drove the story home I enjoy imagery and being pulled into the verse you did that..


vote = Frank <subjective> both written's are good just felt frank was more precise on all levels. and wrote more of a story while adonis wrote a song/statement