I think...

Zen · 04-27-2014, 11:33 PM

I hang back abrasive and distant glancing at a stack of papers waiting to be printed. My favorites have been writ. You'll never make it again, Zen. My behavior has drifted from being faded and twisted. So uninspired. What became of my existence?

I'm lost. Crazy as shit hanging on hits of Lucy to make me forget. Blue and bruising waiting on a fix. Confused and losing, does that make me a prince?

I refused to lose. Shit, I became what I writ. A hoodlum loose and creatin' a dent with ruthless shooters..blazin' this hemp in broad day, already became what I've been.

Saw the moon at noon, gazing. Intense. Pupils in full bloom. Radiant mist blows away and it's taking me with my soda change to go to Minnesota. Oh my, hey. I need a moment, please just go on Dave.

I broke away fleeing with demons creeping my home in rollerblades. Creepy..dreaming I'm leaving with the coma wave of people sleeping. Roads are paved where creepers creeped in back at home when they broke the plague. Apocalypse of the Dahmer kin from Roman myths that froze the day.

No other moment.

Now focus.

Home's this way,

Frank · 04-30-2014, 07:32 PM

Make people OD on your lyrics.

The rapid thought provoker meets the deliberate risk taker

dull boy · 04-30-2014, 07:54 PM

I like the way you presented this.

Mike Wrecka · 05-01-2014, 04:33 PM

this was cool Zen. enjoyed it. demons on rollerblades line was dope. very trippy stuff. I dig it

DexLabb · 05-02-2014, 07:18 PM

god damn bro. you should read this at the beginning of a gay porn and slowly fade into a scene of a fat guy ejaculating into ur hand

Ghost1 · 05-02-2014, 07:26 PM

Lollllll

Dex lax mad as FUCK

DexLabb · 05-02-2014, 07:30 PM

bags i need u to grab ur tits n practice pushing them together.. ill be over in a few minutes

Zen · 05-02-2014, 07:33 PM

lol

Fig · 05-03-2014, 02:37 AM

Interesting format here with each stanza being its own little paragraph (stylistically)
Seems like you focused too much on the rhyming here, which I have a problem with as well. It's a tough balance to find. How much you want to test yourself against how much your getting across.
Some lines read clunky because of how extended they were + paragraph format makes it more apparent

The flow however, is a minor factor. The morose atmosphere you set with this piece was due in part to some really cool wording. Great imagery as well. I liked the line about your pupils blossoming. That's my kinda shit right there

We will collab one day eventually hopefully!

david stern razor burns · 05-03-2014, 08:37 PM

Well it flowed nicely yes. But other than that, I'm not really quite sure what you were going for. Nonetheless it was an entertaining read and did offer some imagery along with some good vocabulary. You need to concentrate harder and put your thoughts in order, this shows potential. Keep honing your craft.

Geno · 05-17-2014, 10:03 AM

[97ithjok

04-27-2014, 11:33 PM	#1
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	I think... I hang back abrasive and distant glancing at a stack of papers waiting to be printed. My favorites have been writ. You'll never make it again, Zen. My behavior has drifted from being faded and twisted. So uninspired. What became of my existence? I'm lost. Crazy as shit hanging on hits of Lucy to make me forget. Blue and bruising waiting on a fix. Confused and losing, does that make me a prince? I refused to lose. Shit, I became what I writ. A hoodlum loose and creatin' a dent with ruthless shooters..blazin' this hemp in broad day, already became what I've been. Saw the moon at noon, gazing. Intense. Pupils in full bloom. Radiant mist blows away and it's taking me with my soda change to go to Minnesota. Oh my, hey. I need a moment, please just go on Dave. I broke away fleeing with demons creeping my home in rollerblades. Creepy..dreaming I'm leaving with the coma wave of people sleeping. Roads are paved where creepers creeped in back at home when they broke the plague. Apocalypse of the Dahmer kin from Roman myths that froze the day. No other moment. Now focus. Home's this way,

04-30-2014, 07:32 PM	#2
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853347	Make people OD on your lyrics. The rapid thought provoker meets the deliberate risk taker __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 04-30-2014 at 07:35 PM.

05-01-2014, 04:33 PM	#4
Mike Wrecka WOW Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,591 Battle Record: 29-25 Champed - Writing Challenge League I Rep Power: 82779338	this was cool Zen. enjoyed it. demons on rollerblades line was dope. very trippy stuff. I dig it __________________ A.bove T.he R.est

05-02-2014, 07:18 PM	#5
DexLabb song genius Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 377 Rep Power: 0	god damn bro. you should read this at the beginning of a gay porn and slowly fade into a scene of a fat guy ejaculating into ur hand __________________ ZOOM IN ON THAT ASS LIKE BINOCULARS

05-02-2014, 07:30 PM	#7
DexLabb song genius Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 377 Rep Power: 0	bags i need u to grab ur tits n practice pushing them together.. ill be over in a few minutes __________________ ZOOM IN ON THAT ASS LIKE BINOCULARS

04-30-2014, 07:54 PM	#3
dull boy consults Lloyd Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 4,054 Battle Record: 0-8 Champed -1-2 Punch League Roast Rep Power: 39345604	I like the way you presented this.

05-02-2014, 07:33 PM	#8
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	lol

05-03-2014, 02:37 AM	#9
Fig Om Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 6,461 Battle Record: 8-16 Rep Power: 84181562	Interesting format here with each stanza being its own little paragraph (stylistically) Seems like you focused too much on the rhyming here, which I have a problem with as well. It's a tough balance to find. How much you want to test yourself against how much your getting across. Some lines read clunky because of how extended they were + paragraph format makes it more apparent The flow however, is a minor factor. The morose atmosphere you set with this piece was due in part to some really cool wording. Great imagery as well. I liked the line about your pupils blossoming. That's my kinda shit right there We will collab one day eventually hopefully! __________________ BIRDHORSE 8-15

05-03-2014, 08:37 PM	#10
david stern razor burns with razor spurs Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: At David Blaine's favorite place with David Spade and Macy Gray Posts: 87 Rep Power: 3750190	Well it flowed nicely yes. But other than that, I'm not really quite sure what you were going for. Nonetheless it was an entertaining read and did offer some imagery along with some good vocabulary. You need to concentrate harder and put your thoughts in order, this shows potential. Keep honing your craft.

05-17-2014, 10:03 AM	#11
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	[97ithjok __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*