I think...
 

I hang back abrasive and distant glancing at a stack of papers waiting to be printed. My favorites have been writ. You'll never make it again, Zen. My behavior has drifted from being faded and twisted. So uninspired. What became of my existence?

I'm lost. Crazy as shit hanging on hits of Lucy to make me forget. Blue and bruising waiting on a fix. Confused and losing, does that make me a prince?

I refused to lose. Shit, I became what I writ. A hoodlum loose and creatin' a dent with ruthless shooters..blazin' this hemp in broad day, already became what I've been.

Saw the moon at noon, gazing. Intense. Pupils in full bloom. Radiant mist blows away and it's taking me with my soda change to go to Minnesota. Oh my, hey. I need a moment, please just go on Dave.

I broke away fleeing with demons creeping my home in rollerblades. Creepy..dreaming I'm leaving with the coma wave of people sleeping. Roads are paved where creepers creeped in back at home when they broke the plague. Apocalypse of the Dahmer kin from Roman myths that froze the day.

No other moment.

Now focus.

Home's this way,

Make people OD on your lyrics.

The rapid thought provoker meets the deliberate risk taker

I like the way you presented this.

this was cool Zen. enjoyed it. demons on rollerblades line was dope. very trippy stuff. I dig it

god damn bro. you should read this at the beginning of a gay porn and slowly fade into a scene of a fat guy ejaculating into ur hand

Lollllll

Dex lax mad as FUCK

bags i need u to grab ur tits n practice pushing them together.. ill be over in a few minutes

lol

Interesting format here with each stanza being its own little paragraph (stylistically)
Seems like you focused too much on the rhyming here, which I have a problem with as well. It's a tough balance to find. How much you want to test yourself against how much your getting across.
Some lines read clunky because of how extended they were + paragraph format makes it more apparent


The flow however, is a minor factor. The morose atmosphere you set with this piece was due in part to some really cool wording. Great imagery as well. I liked the line about your pupils blossoming. That's my kinda shit right there

We will collab one day eventually hopefully!

Well it flowed nicely yes. But other than that, I'm not really quite sure what you were going for. Nonetheless it was an entertaining read and did offer some imagery along with some good vocabulary. You need to concentrate harder and put your thoughts in order, this shows potential. Keep honing your craft.

[97ithjok