another one

Just Write · 03-25-2014, 06:07 PM

I feel like an Ocean setting, high tide. More than 40 below
Salty skin and dry eyes, in the blistering cold...
She was whimsically bold. A rose, in the crack of the pavement
stood out like a saphire; diamond alabaster encasement.
Savage, abrasive. Her love was only a show
She told me to go. the time we had was nothing but wasted.
I guess nothing is sacred. Modern day Adam and Eve
She turned lust for forbidden fruit into more than a conceptual theme.
Ineffectual dream. You and I, happily ever after.
Should have followed the warning signs: this one's a disaster
Many nights i've spent plastered, cursing your name,
It all ends the same. An empty bottle, and another poem i've gained.

oats · 03-25-2014, 10:40 PM

aite. so this was good, and def good subject matter for experimenting with a new style. who can't write about heartache and chicks.

I've said it before, not too sure what the difference between a "topical" style is and a "storytelling style," as I think topicals generally also tell stories (as you did here), but I think you have the right idea in terms of using more imagery and metaphors. In this instance, not everything really connected with me (an ocean can't be 40 below, it would be frozen, rose from the concrete is kinda cliche, etc). I did like how you turned the adam and eve comparison on its head though, that one worked.

all in all, this wasn't bad, and it was enjoyable. I wouldn't focus too much on one style or another, just do what you're comfortable with and see how you can switch it up or add to it to make it different. you have good instincts as a writer, and the willingness to experiment is a good indicator of that. sign back into the AOWL now.

Just Write · 03-25-2014, 10:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oats

aite. so this was good, and def good subject matter for experimenting with a new style. who can't write about heartache and chicks.

I've said it before, not too sure what the difference between a "topical" style is and a "storytelling style," as I think topicals generally also tell stories (as you did here), but I think you have the right idea in terms of using more imagery and metaphors. In this instance, not everything really connected with me (an ocean can't be 40 below, it would be frozen, rose from the concrete is kinda cliche, etc). I did like how you turned the adam and eve comparison on its head though, that one worked.

all in all, this wasn't bad, and it was enjoyable. I wouldn't focus too much on one style or another, just do what you're comfortable with and see how you can switch it up or add to it to make it different. you have good instincts as a writer, and the willingness to experiment is a good indicator of that. sign back into the AOWL now.

Lmao, I didnt understand what you meant about the ocean one at first because I meant as in like a movie setting haha. Like I got an icebox where my heart used to be type shit. And word, I signed back in already

oats · 03-25-2014, 10:47 PM

lol that makes more sense. when I read it I was like wtf can an ocean even get 40 below?

razor wayans damon blades · 03-26-2014, 10:46 AM

Ineffectual dream. You and I, happily ever after.
Should have followed the warning signs: this one's a disaster
Many nights i've spent plastered, cursing your name,
It all ends the same. An empty bottle, and another poem i've gained.

03-25-2014, 06:07 PM	#1
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	another one I feel like an Ocean setting, high tide. More than 40 below Salty skin and dry eyes, in the blistering cold... She was whimsically bold. A rose, in the crack of the pavement stood out like a saphire; diamond alabaster encasement. Savage, abrasive. Her love was only a show She told me to go. the time we had was nothing but wasted. I guess nothing is sacred. Modern day Adam and Eve She turned lust for forbidden fruit into more than a conceptual theme. Ineffectual dream. You and I, happily ever after. Should have followed the warning signs: this one's a disaster Many nights i've spent plastered, cursing your name, It all ends the same. An empty bottle, and another poem i've gained. __________________ Last edited by Just Write; 03-25-2014 at 09:23 PM. Reason: because I can

03-25-2014, 10:40 PM	#2
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	aite. so this was good, and def good subject matter for experimenting with a new style. who can't write about heartache and chicks. I've said it before, not too sure what the difference between a "topical" style is and a "storytelling style," as I think topicals generally also tell stories (as you did here), but I think you have the right idea in terms of using more imagery and metaphors. In this instance, not everything really connected with me (an ocean can't be 40 below, it would be frozen, rose from the concrete is kinda cliche, etc). I did like how you turned the adam and eve comparison on its head though, that one worked. all in all, this wasn't bad, and it was enjoyable. I wouldn't focus too much on one style or another, just do what you're comfortable with and see how you can switch it up or add to it to make it different. you have good instincts as a writer, and the willingness to experiment is a good indicator of that. sign back into the AOWL now. __________________ You should be water

03-25-2014, 10:47 PM	#4
oats Steel Cut Join Date: May 2013 Posts: 5,084 Battle Record: 19-10 Accomplishments - OM HOF (2x) Champed - Fight Night LXXXIV - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 79005428	lol that makes more sense. when I read it I was like wtf can an ocean even get 40 below? __________________ You should be water

03-26-2014, 10:46 AM	#5
razor wayans damon blades Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Posts: 43 Rep Power: 3501591	Ineffectual dream. You and I, happily ever after. Should have followed the warning signs: this one's a disaster Many nights i've spent plastered, cursing your name, It all ends the same. An empty bottle, and another poem i've gained.