WEEK FOURTEEN CHAMP MATCH: NYCSPITZ (7-2) vs EVICTION (9-3) NYC WINS 4-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK FOURTEEN



Verse Due: MONDAY JULY 25TH @ 11:59 EST

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:






GOOD LUCK

[Eviction]

He used an Allen key to unlock secrets from modern war.
Presumed a liar, they keep unlocking that revolving door.
Sweeping scandals under the rug of that embalming floor
An omnivore’s rotten corpse after society washed ashore,
Canvassing vanishing points, this wasteland we factored in.
Artifacts from the final chapter were sweater than saccharine.
Unraveled packaging, reveals the devil's advocates acronym.
Scavenging tablets of aspirin, the death toll was staggering.
A fabricated renaissance, no revival beneath dust and sand.
There’s no trusted hand, only humanity that must expand.
There’s more than scuff marks on this bludgeoned land,
That’s full of innocent souls that just don’t understand.
All it takes is a cunning plan, then sanity will return tenfold
Fuck this hell hole, that’s the reason my heart has been cold.
We’re so focused on what’s enclosed, what if we get close?
To some innuendo, watch the reaper throw off his trenchcoat,
And let the credits roll, pest control will never be the same,
If he who leads the change is not there to relieve your pain,
They refuse to believe your claim, it’s inhumanity we recreate.
If you try to deviate, you’ll become easy prey and meet your fate,
Take the leap of faith, you’ll get more than what you bargained for,
Your swan song plays on harpsichords, you hear the darkest chord.
That melody is hard to ignore, like cuts from a sharpened sword,
That pain will never go away like the sins you have to answer for.
You still protect the innocent, when the debris starts to fall from grace.
A little puncture in your nerve is all it takes, then their profits automate.
They toss your coffin aside to make more room for office space.
Your daughter bleeds out while you’re dodging toxic waste.
That rich asshole gets to play god, that rich asshole gets a day off,
And treats employees like a stage prop, his Porsche gets a paint job,
The poor get brainwashed, we’re not cut from the same cloth.
With this chaos that’s on my shoulder, no wonder I put weight on.
The flames caused irreparable damage. I can't act like it won’t occur.
The point of no return, your life-altering moment is their motion blur.
Dancing around your pneumonia, evil is what you know from birth.
They’re preparing your hole and dirt, waiting for your soul to burn.
You hope they throw a curve, attribute your kindness and praise it,
With gratitude when you're blinded by hate, and you have to chase it.
You want to bite into that sour apple, no matter how bad the taste is.
I don’t need trophies for stopping grenades from hitting the pavement.
Like I expect accolades for acting brave, every act gains a purple heart.
If that’s the case, I’ll get an early start, me and you are worlds apart,
While being close in distance, because you expect a service charge,
Being persistent, and working hard, should never feel like urban art.
Surface marks from graveyard shifts, reticence a thing of the past.
You earned your scars, and another pint when they fill up your glass.
How long will that last? The thieves are kicking your ass,
Stealing every ounce of glory from resilience when you finish a task.
Their act of bravery was a gimmick, the abandoned flight was misled.
Onboard, there was a faulty chipset, with blood from those they hit next,
On its journey crashing to earth, some components they forgot to inspect.
That day I rescued an orphaned alien left behind from the shipwreck.

[NYCSPITZ]

.




What’s it like to protect - without thanks or any love in return?
You can’t acknowledge a SINGLE TIME you left my heart smothered and burned…
Every sentiment simmering. Miscommunications covered in words -
I love yous from me and your brother just never returned…
Gave you stars; I prayed your whole entire world was a blessing
& thought of you as that delicate little girl who was seven
At some point it grew oppressive; I guess I never learned
Sorry baby. Sometimes I said things to better my worth…
It left me broken; elusive solutions I’m bent on to seek
mending every promise that I couldn’t remember to keep
See as a father I cherished you, saw you blossom and grow…
Sacred thoughts of you like snapshots, fossiled in rose
You grew up smart, beautiful, virtuous. Someone I deeply wanted to know
But everything unsaid loomed; we let the monolith grow.
I love you with all my heart, Kate. From your brown locks down to your toes
so every sharp glance and trite remark is like a knee to the face
My love for you’s something no other human being could even replace…
You’re grown now. love that was once unconditional contorted to spite
It’s strange to think we’re worlds apart when you’re the joy of my life
Boy, what a ride. ANY obstacle you ever faced, I’d destroy it & fight
For your well-being and your dreams with any poignant device
at my arsenal. It’s like I’m being squeezed as pressure descends
On my whole being - I’m wondering if we could ever be friends.
Could you forgive me one last time? I know I’m fully a fool
But try to remember that time I saved you from a bully at school
Or when I worked overtime just to buy you that dress
For your prom. I thought your date wasn’t good enough, but I’ll try to digress
You looked beautiful, sweetheart. Should’ve given you more reign in your choices
Instead I bickered & complained. Rained down disdain, disappointment
Some seek power and money; your welfare was always my greatest appointment.




Kate - July 26th, 2022




Dear daddy, I hope this letter finds you sound of body and mind
I thought of you looking through my things. Ha, That prom dress’ gaudy design…
You drove me that night in silence, beaming oddly with pride
My protector…it’s almost like you were a God at the time
It broke my heart to leave you & the city only to never return
For a while it almost felt like I dismembered an arm -
Our rift widened as I analyzed the wear of my years
Mentality coddled, even regressed compared to my peers…
Ostracized, I guess like you and I were destined to be
My wings clipped, though you had the best intentions for me…
I was an island. S.S. Minnow wrecked & left in the sea
It’s nice living in fairytales, daddy. but it’s better to breathe
Better to realize we’re holding on to false redemption & weep
than wait forever for realities where tensions release…
You’re still my hero, you know. It was just time for me to sync to my tune
catch up with my insights and let me slip my cocoon
I know you’re well intentioned daddy, you’re just stuck in your ways
it mesmerizes, wisdom slumbering with an elephant’s grace
A vortex we couldn’t evolve beyond, until a fault opened wide
This situation’s something that we’re both at fault for this time
Feeling nostalgic, thought I’d reach out and pay an ode to our bind
we’re opposites on a magnet, daddy, our motion’s resigned
If I could figure out a reconciliation, I’d shift my mode on a dime
Our love still exists father - it’s just frozen in time.





.

[Rawn MD]

Eviction - Your verse flowed very clean, and that was its high point to me. I enjoyed the middle part of it’s content about capitalism, and profit driven happiness…. But I felt like the way you got there, and the way you left there could have been delivered a lot better. I felt like a good quarter of the content was more rhyme driven, than story worked. Plus, you totally threw me on your use of tenses. You start in third person, then go to first person, which keeps throughout. It just didn’t read right to me, and as much as I enjoyed your ending it seemed kind of incorporated just to have a twist, there was no allusion to aliens anywhere in your writing, nor even with word choice. In total I felt it flowed very well, but technically speaking there was a lot left wanting. Between the tenses, lack of word choice, and giving up content for rhyming… you could have done better imo.

NYC - your verse was overall much more cohesive than your opponents. The only thing I could remark on as possibly improving was that sometimes your transitioning from rhyme to rhyme could have maybe been more fluid, but this only happened a few times… and maybe u went like a syllable over here and there. But it didn’t detract from the overall verse. I felt your story to just be more engaging, the content to be more focused, and it was just a better read altogether for me.

Eviction came pretty solid. He prolly just edged NYC out on flow, but like I said I felt he sacrificed content for rhyme more often than he should have, and the jumping of tenses really messed his story’s delivery up for me. NYC just overpowered him with a more solid, cohesive verse, and his flow may have only been edged out, while NYC’s content was just more direct, and delivered better.

Good battle, but…

Vote - NYC

[Universe]

Eviction

Par for the course. Great technical skill on display but at the end of the day you just don't know how to tell a story, man. You set it up... sort of, at the beginning, but not really. Then you show off with some flashy rhyme schemes in the middle to pad it out, then you end with your point - But it comes out of nowhere usually and wasn't properly alluded to or built toward. Not in any meaningful way anyway. The concept is cool enough but you can't save your story for the final few bars and call it a night. Just doesn't work for me in a narrative sense... The connecting tissue is too loose or non-existent; It's all padding with a few lines of story. Just doesn't work for me but I'm sure others are cool with it.

But man you had some killer sections:

"The poor get brainwashed, we’re not cut from the same cloth.
With this chaos that’s on my shoulder, no wonder I put weight on.
The flames caused irreparable damage. I can't act like it won’t occur.
The point of no return, your life-altering moment is their motion blur."

- That last part was whew.

"Like I expect accolades for acting brave, every act gains a purple heart.
If that’s the case, I’ll get an early start, me and you are worlds apart,
While being close in distance, because you expect a service charge,
Being persistent, and working hard, should never feel like urban art."

- DOPE.

So yeah this was an impressive verse but the narrative took a backseat here as it always does... Look, you have enough sizzle to make people pay attention to your writing, despite how annoying you are as a person, so just... focus on writing going forward.. Please? It's the best advice I can give you. You have to realize that the people you piss off on a daily basis with your endless trolling and chest thumping are the ones that you depend on for actually voting for you and giving you your precious W's. So unless you enjoy paddling up a waterfall every week, stfu and just WRITE... it's strong enough that it is all you ever have to say.


NYCSpitz

First off, congrats on last week... I'm still reeling from my first topical loss in... I don't know how long and I didn't know how to behave afterwards because losing is so foreign to me. I did some stupid things as a result... things I'm not proud of... including flying to New York and doing... stuff to people. But after conversing with my lawyer/therapist I've decided to come clean... Below is ACTUAL footage of me attempting to do so.



I'm better now.

Okay, WHEW... Here we go. So you pretty much went in the direction the topic dictated but you did it well, hitting some truly touching emotional tones throughout. I have a 2 and half year old daughter so a lot of this hit me right in the feels... I also like how it seemed to continue off of Eviction's piece like a cypher, completely coincidental but it still read well. I think technically you weren't as refined as last week, where you were pretty much flawless because, well... you had to be... (shameless plug)... but it still was done well enough overall. Although "fully a fool and bully at school" came off... awkward. I know 'bully' is tough to rhyme to but c'mon bro, this was beneath you... Just shelve the multi at that point.

The Kate section was really well done. Nothing spectacular but just an overall solid verse from top to bottom, hitting all the right notes while keeping things technically sound and comfortable. This was as grown up as a verse gets around here and it was nice to read. A breath of fresh air amidst the carnage, really.

I think this battle is basically an adult vs. a child, which is ironic considering the topic...

I'm not going to quote anything specific because I think your entire piece has to be digested as a whole, and it works best when it is uniform and not broken apart. No section in particular reached the heights of Eviction's best bars but it didn't have to and that was not what you were shooting for here. You told an emotionally compelling story that pulled us in immediately and never let go...

Now if you excuse me, I have to return some videotapes...

Vote: NYCSpitz

[brokenhal0]

Eviction - Not your best but definitely on point after reading your verses all these weeks i can tell when your on and while this was a good written with good flow
it did lack a bit of detail and some bars felt a bit forced and lacked the emotional connection that you tend to introduce in your characters.

NYC - Not your best either but i feel like your story had more focus and content
then your opponent lyrically some of it was a bit choppy but after last weeks battle theres no need to get that deep I feel like you matched your opponents energy with a more interesting story and that was enough for the W.


MVGT - NYCSPITZ close one here

[Adverse]

This is literally the third time I’ve written this out so I’m going to try and make it quick

Eviction had some great rhymes here, he has really great emphasis on the flow and multis, really makes every piece a smooth ride. I don’t think this piece worked in your favor however, I think you half attempted to set up a narrative and then kind of went off on a tangent, you’re at your best when you can put together a sort of free form verse that doesn’t have a concrete narrative, you tie it together with a great flow and some awesome raw emotion, however I don’t think you are a great storyteller IMO. We seen it against Frank earlier this season and again now. You were out of your element, but valiant effort sir.

Spitz almost surprised me with how basic his concept was, after last week though dropping that many bars against Universe and beating him at his own game, I feel like he may have been a little bit spent here. But despite the taking the picture at face value thing, he did a good job telling his story and I think the father/daughter dialogue switches were interesting and well done, genuinely felt like two different people writing. Great job of bringing characters to life. I think you won this pretty handily. You had a grasp on what you were trying to bring to life better here.

V/NYC