WEEK THREE: DOMINATE (2-0) vs BROKENHAL0 (2-0) DOM WINS 4-2

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK THREE

Verse Due: SATURDAY APRIL 9TH @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:


GOOD LUCK

[Dominate]

Cool topic. G/luck Halo

[brokenhal0]

''Tallahassee''

Fabricated for new mistakes got here early but to you it's late
old habits running tracks like rats in New York city transit tunnels
rancid struggles vandals avoid third rail scandal scuffles
my writing's designed to watch passer-by's pass and go
the message gets pasteurized looking out the windows
took a toll on tempos as tires touchdown in tumbleweed towns
I snort coke with lots of bimbo's until my hands would shake.

On a dreary day I can be scary like a hairy troll on my merry way
hitch a ride cause im barely home , yelling let me go like a thief restrained
the things he stole , would shame Prometheus to keep the fire away
always sleeping when he's late to work , staying sober just to stay berserk.

Attitude disconcerting
if I could only stare into the headlights of a school bus burning
all kindling desire coercing , the imagination of children learning
behind those window wipers , behind those little window wipers
I set a detonation churning , within a pit of vipers
while you're kids are burning.

Like me in the dark with the art of cans
an artisan in the art of trance next stop
Harlem renaissance where love and death want to dance
like sweet debutantes lost in the bronx half naked begging for change
deranged we left vagabond's blood splattered on walls in white plains
speeding down the palisades highway I got the call
the reign won't stop, but it will never wash away the paint I sprayed.

Going east
I stopped traveling the boulevard of broken dreams
when I ran out of breath chasing down old machines
train stations to the stars in and out the go between's
have you ever rode between a train car smoking weed
it made me blush every time the door's would close on me.

Lonely travels as you're homey babbles eating microwaved corn
all the places I been , all the faces I've drawn
vanished like a gust of wind, displaying such moments
showed us, when the roads are risky so are the opponents
gardenia flowers taking showers in exhaust,smoke and petroleum
when the typhoon started I arrived at a parade for pangolins in Mongolia.

Hopped a turnstile swiftly landing in the great beyond
awaken to a lady boy from thailand with a parrot on his shoulder
eating a bologna sandwich telling me the next stop is Minnesota
travel every week train seats a bed to sleep it's better with ketamine
lady with some luggage she better not sit next to me
melancholic madness on levels that will fill the devil with ecstasy.

Kidnapped in the belly of the beast voices are painted deformed
those who relied on me found hotel sheets naked in the morning
the rides are free sitting here forever in search of forgotten blessing
the silent pleasures I find standing in lines doing lots of stretching.

Dressed like im presiding over a gothic wedding , near the isle of lesbos
I teleported through a stained glass window
back seat fingering nympho's chains and ropes
cascade her stoned shadow, veiled in saffron mantle
all passengers depart in San Fernando
cause the sound of sharting in a full bus scenario ,
disguised the art of farting , disgusted by this act
I stand alone where Im starting.

Seductive stranger not knowing death awaits the inner circle
men eagerly do anything to entertain woman in commercials
lust to enter the labia and that just drive's me crazier
lazy mornings waiting for a ride to work
I meet a strap hanger who likes to flirt still a minor
with seductive eyes since birth cursed and she likes to squirt
hiding a fetus inside her skirt
stick a hanger up her vagina every time it hurt's
removing pieces of a incomplete person bleeding completes the circuit
isopropyl clean's the surface she sits with a sick smirk but who's nervous.

Nature reminds her the ties that bind are like vines growing inside ya
met your hero another lonely reminder even the best are less then zero
so keep up you're facades, I'll be singing in the rain , waiting for my
greyhound to god.

I'll be sitting in the rain , waiting for the mob
ill be picking at my chains , sitting in a seat sobbing
every weak throbbing vein in my head , got the streets watching
open the night up , another junkie wanting to get high
hoping you'll light up , for every skipped fare I sit here , high up ,
for every spilled beer im still there , ''why us'' , transistor wires
corroded iron , a ride to nowhere and we're multiplying.

Homeless man who was born a hoarder
killed a bunch of cops hopped across the border
had a habit of breaking pencils let's call it torture
in bandages of burgundy itching his asshole muscle's
damage doubled hitchhiking with coyote he had to cuddle
gust of wind made the cattle struggle sad rebuttal
a man mirrored in a pair of puddles staring toward Tallahassee
veering trouble.

[Dominate]

Be not afraid, traveller. The sign read in cursive lettering
Eternal bliss awaits. Your spirit stands on the verge of entering
Soon to meet your maker. However, you are yet unworthy
Here you must remain until fit to commence your journey
All sin must be washed away before you can hope to ascend
In the godly rains of purgatory, your imperfect soul will be cleansed
…
Mortals had heard the story. They didn’t know it was first rate horse shit
Invented at the turn of the century after the birth rate soared quick
What happened to war & pestilence? Good old fashioned flood & famine?
Now humans were living long enough to breed like fucking rabbits
Michael had fucking had it. The caseload was a ridiculous ask
Weighing the souls of the dead became an outrageous logistical task
A backlog of billions waiting to be classed as ’saved’ or ‘damned’
How the fuck was he supposed to explain to them the massive delays at hand?
He’d scratched his balls, made a plan, concocted a suitable spin…
The fawning faithful embraced the lie, even called it a beautiful thing.
…
Michael paces the control room. “NEXT!” His timbre is thundering.
Paul, a simpering underling, pushes some buttons & fiddles with knobs.
The data finishes buffering. The image appears on the video wall -
A lone figure at a bus stop. “Right, what’s this idiot called?”
“This is umm… uhhh…” Paul scrambles to find what page it’s on
Lands on what he’s looking for. “This is David… uhh… Davidson?”
He checks his notes again, looking through them just in case
Michael’s nostrils are flaring. “What a stupid fucking name.
He looks too young and healthy. What’s this cocksucker here for?”
“It says he was cleaning his rifle and…” A raised eyebrow. “Dear lord…
The chamber was loaded… he slipped as he ran his thumb past
The safety was off, his kids were home and heard the gun blast.”
Michael snorts. “What a dumb ass!” – a special disdain for David’s type
Old enough to procreate, young enough to just fucking stay alive.
“And what’d this asshole do with his miserable little claim to life?”
“Well, uhh… He never killed anyone, never cheated on or shamed his wife…
He turned his family out weekly in all of their Sunday best…
… he was a big fan of the big guy.” Michael’s eyes roll. Unimpressed.
“But,” Paul continues, “He overstated his own importance…
When travelling on planes he was prone to claim both the armrests…
He’d hit reply all on emails when it definitely wasn’t warranted…
Waited til the front of Starbucks queues to decide on what his order is…
Oh! And one time, he called his neighbour a, “churlish cunt” …”
Michael picks at his teeth. “Alright then, I’ve heard enough.”
…
The vehicle approaches. Barbed wire on windows.
The sign on the front flashes - Next Stop: Fire & Brimstone
...
Michael arrives home. His thoughts pace an arrhythmia
He shrugs off his white uniform with the Arcangel insignia
Glass of Scotch. Fade to oblivion. Try to forget the job that he hates.
Angry. He flings his halo against the wall, and it breaks.

[Candy]

broken:
wow man that was one of the most detail stories i read what was dope was the lingth didnt come off as lengthy but entertaining and the fact you can actually read it in your verse that you went crazy in the crazy parts i actually dont settle for any verse that go in half ass soo the fact you took it there was dope.. il be honest you did actually loose the perfect story you had built half way through for a stanza but the fact it was meant to be like that rocked as much as i hated it i could still make sense of it.. really though it was the story that kept this together dope piece..

dom:

very biblical and it was just a direct story with solid punches.. the character development was and was a story that unfolded at a solid pace which made it feel realler/come to alive.. the rhyme was dope.. the characters interactions was dope even though you didnt delve into the others much it still it held its pace and unfolded in a way which was a cool development.. nice

vote: brokenhal0

just more of an engulfing respect..

[Universe]

brokenhal0:

So this started out poorly, kind of like reading a Candy verse where things didn't make that much sense grammatically with words missing and forced rhyme schemes etc. It was almost like how someone would write a pure alliteration piece, with the jolted flow, but without the, you know... alliteration. But then it would pick up for a section and you'd find your groove, only to lose it again in the next one. So this was a rollercoaster, to say the least.

Word choices were weird at points... I mean, I appreciate the variety but it still has to make sense in terms of relating to what came before. Sometimes it feels like you just grabbed random words and dropped them in there. As far as the narrative, it was difficult to follow. But I did enjoy the sort of nomadic vibe you gave this piece.. this messed up dude travelling across the country and hearing his thoughts on each area, and they were never good lol. Killing/burning children on a school bus stood out.

Loved these parts:

"Going east
I stopped traveling the boulevard of broken dreams
when I ran out of breath chasing down old machines
train stations to the stars in and out the go between's
have you ever rode between a train car smoking weed
it made me blush every time the door's would close on me."

- This section stood out from the rest and made me wonder why you didn't write the entire verse like this... but I think you enjoy switching things up which is cool, I guess.

"Kidnapped in the belly of the beast voices are painted deformed
those who relied on me found hotel sheets naked in the morning
the rides are free sitting here forever in search of forgotten blessing
the silent pleasures I find standing in lines doing lots of stretching."

- There is such a real feel to this. Like reading a biography on this guy as we follow him throughout this trip - You actually find life in the mundane sometimes and its refreshing as fuck when it works.

Moving on... Yeah, could've done without the sharting/farting section...

By the end, I appreciated the imagery you put into this piece. I really thought it worked well at a lot of points. The story, however, never really took off but I don't think it was ever intended to. This is simply a journey of a disturbed homeless man on a bus... and there is a grittiness in this piece that I really love. But technically it had a ton of holes and I think a lot of people will be put off by the wording and the constant ups and downs.

But all in all, I enjoyed this.


Dominate:

That intro was cool... I didn't even realize it rhymed at first lol. Good set up and I like where you may be taking this.

Loved the first section, great set ups, butter flow and MOSTLY everything on point technically. Only flaw was the "suitable spin" / "beautiful thing" connection. "Thing" rhymes with more of an "eeee" sound, as you know. It depends on how you pronounce "thing" in your accent, but in text maybe should've used a better word choice for that one. (Although the following connective word of "the" which can be pronounced "thee" might have just saved it - If you can't tell, I'm being REALLY picky with you lol) There's a reason for this.

I also love how you can add dialogue into your pieces that fit really well both technically and narratively, and above all... it's fucking FUNNY. I literally was chuckling reading it here with my coffee. You have the ability to reach through the screen and connect with the reader in a way that I haven't seen before, you're clever but don't shove it down our throats - You just let us figure that out on our own. This is a special talent on display here, ladies and gents.

I can't really highlight anything because I'd be quoting everything honestly.

The reasons for why this poor bastard ends up in hell are too good (Starbucks) lol. And the final line at the end there was perfect on every level. Who incorporates their opponent into their topical pieces? Only the best of us... ;)

A+ mate.

Voting for brokenhal0 is understandable if you prefer a longer, grittier story written on parchment paper over the more defined one carved in marble right beside it... To each his own.

I'll go with the marble.

Vote: Dominate

[Master Rock]

This was overall a very dope battle. Broken when in depth sharing a dirty dark twisted tale with many branches reaching in multiple areas. There were times where I felt a faltered in certain areas. But then it was times when he brought it back and flexed his abilities. There were times that I felt that his rhyming wasn't hitting at the right spots and that made it harder for me to engage. Dom on the other hand had a smooth flow throughout. And his story was concise and very clear as well as engaging throughout. I followed the whole thing and really got engaged in the whole conversation between the characters. It was as though I felt the picture come alive. Especially on a part when he mentions the journey and unworthy part. That's when it captured me. Honestly I have to give this to Dom for engagement and Flow. They both did good but Dom hit the nail on the head. Dope job both of you.

[Master Rock]

...

[Adverse]

Thought this was a cool battle but it wasn’t as close as I first expected it to be..

Hal0:
Thought this was your most detailed verse of the season but also your worst verse at the same time. Though there were sections that were really good, there were sections that were really bad and unnecessary as well (see the whole farting section for reference) I think you get too many ideas at once and just unload them one after another without really giving some of the brighter ones time to be fully fleshed out first. I think you need to focus more on the story that you’re telling, which was actually good in conceptually. A drifting homeless person who’s seen all these places/situations, kind of felt like Forest Gump or something but not on the same level. No matter I think that’s where the fault lies, it’s not in the detailed writing itself it’s more so in the incomplete story that has a lot of potential. It’s kind of similar to Candy’s problem tbh

Dom:
Another great verse here in my opinion, I keep expecting you to slip up and do something like Blue did this week, but it’s yet to happen, you’ve only gotten better as the weeks went on. I think the way you mix comedy into your verses makes it feel more human? Like the conversations, the main character hating his job and really half assing it. Really funny to think about these angelic beings having our same worldly problems even in the great beyond. Really awesome flow and content, there were a few lines where the rhymes didn’t match perfect but i overlook it because I believe you’re a foreigner too? Could be wrong but even so that being your only mishap Is great . I also like that you paid more attention to your ending this week, felt more definitive and climactic than week two: and referencing your opponent was a good approach (unless it was simply a coincidence) idk great verse man

Well my vote goes to Dom as he told the more complete and better overall story, good work gentlemen

V/Dom

[Adonis]

Halo - good Lord man you went in. I typically like the darker verses and this was no different, but something about reading a coat hanger abortion was a bit much. But the train of thought here was so erratic it worked. Half way through or so I gave up on following and just read, but it clicked. Like this piece was a pure cluster fuck of imagery in droves but that's really the shining part, the chaos in writing matching the chaos in the story. I felt you forced some rhymes, but again, this kind of help to build the piece on second look. It sort of just fit the build if you will. All in all this actually was one of the most fun reads I've had, fuck the league, I'm saying reads in general, like in real life. It was fast past, understatement, and just grabbed my full attention for it's entirety. This is all coming from someone who hates long verses, which is why I try and keep them as short as to the point as possible. You essentially produced the opposite of me, but damn if I didn't fully love this read. I feel like I'm only puffing you up here as there were instances I did not like, however I'll leave it at that, because the kudos is well deserved. Great read and I mean that in every with all sincerity.

Doms - perfect opener this far, opening stanza has set up for a clear path peeking my interest fully. Your concept of the judging or deciding she'll, in this case Michael, growing over judging because of over population is a stand alone stellar concept. You executed the storyline masterfully. You have me insight as to why he's over his job, and helped me to almost feel sorry for the poor guy. You had, for the boat part, as solid flow as can be, then in some instances the lines worked in building the narrative but flow wise, I can't say fell flat, and maybe only because the better rhymes lines out shined, but the down parts were there is what I'm saying, in flow only, not in storyline or concept. I enjoyed this read, it was both captivating and eye opening in terms of thinking as angels as 'human emotion" brings. Now I'm not religious, so I might be a poor judge on this matter, but I have read many Bibles across many religions just because I enjoy reading how people think and finding good in every corner of life. In any case, this verse really did string a song, err, movie rather. You painted the picture nicely, then expand beyond it in a way I would definitely not have spun, so points for that


Vote - the toughest vote of the season for me in all honesty. I've only read 4 other verses, but can't even remember them, but these two I bet I do remember tomorrow if asked. On one hand, the chaos of halo was just so intriguing to me, it fully immersed me into a world that did not make sense, but oh did I enjoy it so much. Meanwhile Dom simply went classical typical to me, minor story but heavy on the concept while developing characters. I forgot to mention earlier the fact that the most of his wrong doing was so petty, but that tired in perfectly, thus, legit made me chuckle in realization in a sense.


So like I said, very very tough vote. Nothing else I can explain. So just gonna write a name after another read of each


V/ brokenhalo - i thank you both for making this so difficult, there are no losers here, just one I liked a tad bit more

[Eviction]

Brokenhalo
I like the feel of your rhyme schemes even though you don’t commit to them for very long it gives it a quick read from top to bottom, I also like how to incorporated the schemes throughout the lines instead of the typical end rhymes that you see amateur writers do, a few lines could have been reworded maybe look up synonyms next time instead of saying shit like staying sober just to stay awake, feels like that could have been reworded and it would have added to the piece, last complaint is the grammar really especially when you use shit like Im incorrectly.

Going east
I stopped traveling the boulevard of broken dreams
when I ran out of breath chasing down old machines
train stations to the stars in and out the go between's
have you ever rode between a train car smoking weed
it made me blush every time the door's would close on me.

I liked this part it seems that is the most you carried on the same scheme but it was dopey to me.

Dominate
DAMN that opening was fire, hope to ascended, soul will be cleansed, not necessarily a perfect multie but the way that flowed with the rest of that section was butter, ending was cool some sections I get a workplace shooter vibe, i could definately see my self reading this again, my favorite parts was your opening section and the ending, the character in your story had fuck the world vibes until he said fuck this shit.

My only complaint is other than the opening and the ending, some of the bulk of your story almost sounded like rants, but rants that actually makes sense and was decently thought out and written, the page its on / davidson bit had the most ridiculous scheme in there that made me think it was filler.

Overall though the story was entertaining and I was drawn to the character.

V/ Dominate