SEMI FINALS: #1 EVICTION VS #4 FRANK FRANK ADVANCES

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X PLAYOFF SEMI FINALS

@Eviction @Frank

DUE DATE: FRIDAY SEPTEMBER 9TH @ 11:59PM PST

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:



GOOD LUCK

[Eviction]

Fall, the season of unforgettable heartbreak, that time of the year always reminds me of my son.
We lost him in October, when the leaves fall, I’m instantly triggered, smelling smoke from the gun
The flock of ravens gave me the thought of haven until the ambulance was too late to save him.
Pretending he just ran away from home, becomes hard when the leaf drops on the rotten pavement.
That unlocks a bad memory, unlike the pumpkin patch and caramel apples, they fade in and out.
That was his favorite treat this season, now when I take a bite there’s a different taste in my mouth.
Haunting images of him waiting, shaking from the cold and rigamortis, not one of that spineless coward.
Police say his body might be in this crimson river, so like him, this is where I’ll spend my final hour.
His life culminated in a land full of tyrants, he died in water that was so shallow you can drive through.
Still deep enough and proves if you don’t see what’s behind you, you’ll end up at the bottom of the bayou,
This swamp can tell stories, imagine seeing your death before it happens and that's where they left you.
My brother is down there too, some asshole said at least uncle frank finally got to meet his nephew.
It would be karma if that slipknot-trying piece of shit died but I wouldn’t wish it on his mother.
What I went through I feel like jumping in the blood splatter to recover, but he’s still got a brother.
I feel like I’m neglecting him, always in search of better days, in the spot where he took his final breath.
Presumably, he could have been dead before he got here, the captor dumped him in the final stretch.
There are blood stains on the algae, this became a vacation hub, for thrill seekers that dance with the devil,
They don’t see a grieving mother, praying his body floats from the bottom so she can give him a burial.
I was in denial, I told people he was at a friend's house sleeping over, or he was simply in a coma.
At least they entertained my lies, they knew my son was lost, he kind of became a statistic in Minnesota.
Devil worshippers suggested rituals, they said it would help me find peace if there’s demons I’m tied to.
I just know it would manifest more evil, what I would sacrifice for a reward that those bastards died too.
That would make me a monster, fantasising about their mother's cries, and what those echoes hand me.
I just wanted my son to return home, and got accused of being a witch, that’s practicing necromancy.
I became a permanent fixture of the bayou, like an ornament, do you think these critics can stop me?
Even family and friends say I need to let it go, I’m only here because they said a killer revisits the body.
I keep calling the murderer a man, but is it that simple? Knowing my luck it’s more sinister than that.
Karma for the shit I done, maybe it’s another mother, giving me penance for what I did to her, it’s wrath.
I wondered how many mothers sit here, waiting for their sons killer…

[Frank]

ジャスミン devoted her spare time to feeding swans at the scenic pond on the island of legend.

The Siamese Swans put their beaks in her palms, as the Fukushima water radiated with radionuclide: mesmerizingly reddish
She could see the shrine of the shellfish through the tides reflection: Prying antennas, spineless skeletons and the wideness of webbings.
The Swans neck wildly stretching for appetizers of breading ジャスミン cut it up & threw it into the waters vibrant ebbing
“Time for breakfast” ジャスミンsaid, throwing bread in their appetites direction: The Swans would fight to the death for it, violently shredding it.
The Swan's fought over her indescribable affection, every time they saw ジャスミン they would glide in ascension and fly in majestic
ジャスミン sliced the bread up into desirable sections: she was their provider/protector before they were infantile fledglings
She sat beside the nestlings: The Swans were separated at birth, the mother didn’t survive the radionuclide setting
ジャスミン took it upon herself to fertilize the eggs. She sat Indian style in the wetlands, her dress, hiding the egglings.
ジャスミン water broke & she could hear the juvenile begging ジャスミン tried her best, but the swans cried relentless
ジャスミン tried to calm them down with her mild presence, her politeness beckoned them to the ponds shoreline edges
Her father looked on, from the fork in the road, he spied from the hedges, as ジャスミン spent all her time in the mires fenland
ジャスミン parents grew concerned when ジャスミン didn’t come home for dinner ジャスミン confided in the wetlands
ジャスミン taught The Swans how to fly by untying her necklace & swinging it around with an enlightened succession: round & round, until they took flight with perfection
ジャスミン watched them fly overhead with pride in her senses, as she dissected their diet, biting the head & regurgitating the slime from the tendons.
The Swan ate out of her hand with unapologizing aggression ジャスミン supervised their breakfast, their dining and pecking
They would get defiant & desperate, trying to pry the breading from ジャスミン biting the hand that provided & fed them, until blood dripped from the lightest complexion
The Swans teeth grinded her flesh and the blood dripped into the tides magnetism, until ジャスミン blood loss turned her white as a relic.
The flowers wilted, as ジャスミン lifted her head and smiled and petted the bird, until the pain subsided and lessened.
ジャスミン carved up what was left with a knife and sent-it-to-the-part-of-the pond, where the marsh & the frog, coincided defenseless
She rubbed her shining blemish on her night life dress and watched the swan decide for a second, before flying through headwind
Their Fight or Flight led them to the side of the wetlands, where they saw the diced bread and began dining on crestings
“Share!” ジャスミン said realizing her methods were causing a sibling rivalry ジャスミン thought about her sisters fighting & she understood why they were zealous
Her own flesh and blood was swinish and jealous, they both wanted to be an only child, but their parents eloped in the wild, and never relied on protection
ジャスミン parents split up and ジャスミン blamed herself for their denial and resentment, she still harbors the feelings of every middle child’s dejection
ジャスミン took the entire baguette, still dry and fermented: the swans dived in to get it, before she threw it into-the-sky-to fetch it
The bread started to get soggy in her tight clenched fist, the perspiring wetness, you could feel the islands tension, as the birds united connected.
ジャスミン watched them land to the right & the left and sat down, aligned with her intention, unwinded and zenning
ジャスミン transcribed the events in Sanskrit in the sand with a trying message, she wrote it in the blood that her empire shedded

shi no akachian ha shi, shi no shin, shin, su be te no su be te desu

ジャスミン fell into an untimely depression, spiraling deeper into her minds projection: the swan spoke for the first time, surprising her senseless
“ジャスミン” Jasmine: The Swan said, eye to eye in the trenches: ジャスミン attempted to keep her cool, like the mud underneath her nylon leggings
Jasmine was a breadwinner: The Swans wanted her to know that as ジャスミン looked cross-eyed to the heavens
She couldn’t focus on one bird, as they multiplied, she fed them, until they took over the Island of legend
Jasmine ran out of white bread, her palms tired and resting, the swan admired her reflection in the radionuclide zenland
She thought the swan would deny her existence, instead they waited by her side, waiting on her prized direction
ジャスミン said the swan’s loyalty and unconditional love was divine intervention, she swooned with a heightened affection

shi no akachian ha shi, shi no shin, shin, su be te no su be te desu
The greatest gift you can give anyone is your undivided attention.


あなたが誰にでも与えることができる最大の贈り物は、あなたの分割されていない注意です

[brokenhal0]

Eviction - You set a high standard for yourself this season after reading it 3x i feel like
it lacked the signature eviction ''feeling'' emotion that IMO levels you up .. it also feels like you really weren't into the story itself as with all good writers the sense of ''them'' is either there or not ...this piece felt a bit safe and rushed compared to some of your earlier work this season it also lacked the lyrical impact and character driven observations that I enjoy the most when reading your lyrics ...

Frank - great opening paints a picture for a interesting story
sometimes your sentences drag but I noticed that's just part of your style
and sets up some really cool imagery ...this story had a poetic spirit
which some of your better pieces this season also had ..
so the impact to me as a reader was very light minimalism and lyricism done at it's best..
the subtle connections of jasmine,japan ,the lake ,the radioactivity ,the mutations
the closing metaphor .. great writing overall ..at times your writing does seem a bit
robotic but styles makes fights and that style wins more then it loses ..to me you did a better job bringing the picture to life..

Mvgt - Frank

[Master Rock]

Frank had the overall better. I enjoyed it a bit more, but eviction...I felt like I read this same verse from you before. .not sure if its dejavu or what not so it didn't feel fresh.

[Mike Wrecka]

Eviction- I’ll be honest. I didn’t like this verse. Pretty much the worst I’ve read from you. It didn’t flow very well at all. The first two lines were a disaster and set the tone for the whole verse. You can do a lot better


Frank - this was also well below your norm. I think you got caught up in the gimmick of the Japanese writing. Your multis and rhyme scheme were no where close to your usual. BUT your word choices was more advanced than your opponents. Also the story was more interesting. You need to pick it up bruh. Both your verses in this playoff have been your worst of the season imo


Vote - Frank

[Adverse]

This wasn’t the best I’ve read from either of you, not to say it was terrible but I just didn’t feel like the effort was really there. This has been a very long season and I can tell it’s wearing everyone involved down, glad we’re in the final stretch.

Eviction, I actually preferred your concept of the two available but unfortunately I don’t think the writing that you do is built for storytelling. It just feels so nonlinear and scattered to me, I think since you lack that ability you should lean more into what you’re good at, which is emotionally driven work. There were some emotions here but I think you really could have brought the grieving parents more alive. I think you’ve made incredible leaps as a writer this season and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you.

Frank, at this point I’m not even sure if you’re human or rather an intelligent form of AI who is fed lines of codes and rhyme schemes and just spits out a narrative. Most of your verses read the same, they’re almost carbon copies, and you rarely take chances. But I love how you always tell an original narrative and you’re always usually consistent to where even your alliteration is a gift. But I digress. I liked your take on this and especially liked the brutal ending and how there was kind of a moral to it? Think I liked Evictions topic better but you had the better verse hands down.

V/Frank