XI WK V: Scar (2-2) vs. Cereal (4-0) (SCAR WINS)

[Frank]

Season 11 XI

VERSES: Monday, January, 16th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 24 Hour Ext: Mod/Opponent Discretion

VOTES: Wednesday, January 18th, 11:59 P.M. Western / 2:59 A.M. Eastern / 7:59 A.M. UK. 3 Vote Requirement Enforced/Penalty

MAXIMUM: 48 Lines: 64 IF AGREED UPON!

Goodluck! @Scar @Cereal

TOPIC:

[Cereal]

4 girls taking it to the valley
..

amongst the midsummers breeze,...
between the forest for the trees - leafs retreat unseen cleaned
for a girl spun on substance frees
she speaks of peace and forbidden cities of dreams
her golden rope of truth teached whats breathe believed
flung through wars and cities grandeur/glamour
fathomed within each utter her lips tremble terrible stammers
yet so composed when exposed alone on the field of each - ....
the earth to beach stranded but landed with life of all meets
the eyes of the sea
the bees turned butterflies preach by the trees

she is a hero..
a girl a hope
a girl with a golden rope
a girl possibly unknown but none of it shows

she sits on the trains dusts villians of with style
she dance green mile for emerald eyes are in style
sky blue tints where she lies as an outline for her iris like fire
a starlit lantern casting a chant or mantra for the choirs

from nazi to cat
kittens and slacks
the watch and or natural compass flutters in assumption of others numbered facts
original in order her direction pure
if only she didnt have a crush on the furor

[Scar]

Apokolips Now

Darkseid collapsed the sullen landscape
A rampage of a prospering promising paradise,
now an apocalyptic property of man’s rage
Young Diana witnessed her clan slayed
The imminent destruction of her family’s land made..
her pressed her luck again. Perhaps a prayer’s pension
“Hera!! If you hear me! Grant me the authority to end it!”
Hera wouldn’t help. Diana knew this.
That bitch don’t even like her clan, it’s all fruitless.
To her they were just old slaves, she meditated
The movement of Darkseid’s army akin to locusts
And freshly prepared grown blades.
Parademonos
But she ain’t scared. No reason to.
Her cheeks a bruising blush that’s seeping through
As the demons careen in two squads of villains
Suddenly the clouds split, the arrival of the gods of Olympus.
Zeus aloft his Chariot, threw bolts of lightning as Ares and Athena discuss wartime method
A coven of witches enact a hex against the parademons.
Zeus sheepishly satisfied with the hags, adding, “See Poseidon? Those my baddest bitches.
Fucked them all! Two at a time!!
Until Hera gave them stitches”.
“That ain’t nothing! Watch this, loser!
He pointed at the cave near Atlas’s Pitt
From the shadow, entered Medusa
Her serpent locks locking gaze with darkseid’s
Her frozen stares, his Omega Beam,
Energies locked in mid flights. fantastic.
Curtailing the noises and shapes of realities fabric.
Destroying the stage set by sages as old time ripples.
Medusa ray, a property of Pagan power principles
While darkseid’s power source was the void before the bang.
It was a grave mismatch.
“Silly little demon. You cannot win” graveled Darkseid
His beam hit Medusa in the chest, “today, the villain wins!”
As Medusa disappeared into oblivion.
Poseidon looked on in Terror.
The scent of blood and death carried..
Through the battlefield.
“I will avenger her. Take this wave, simpleton!!”
In the background 3 parademons ripped the Minotaur limbs from limbs
Hades opened the gate.
Cerberus the three headed demon dog salivates.
Charging the crew of parademons, it raids the place
Chewing, chomping on flesh, bloods gushed the ground
Suddenly, its momentum stop. Neck twisted….a Snapping sound.
Resting his foot on the dead dog, was Darkseid.
Just as sudden, a golden nimbus sparked the night sky.
A six-winged humanoid creature quickly descended to the battlefield
Step aside, little ones, i’ve come to clash and heal.
“Who art thy?” Asked Zeus.
“We, gods, can barely survive this assualt.
What can a single fag do?”
The man laughed. You are gods.
I am of God! Yall are bacterias
I am, of the most high, i crack barriers
“Who are you?”
I am Michael, leader of 7th host of Heaven
I’m not here for you. Bring me Darkseid, this instance.

Diana, witnessed this awesome tapestry.
The stage and grandeur was beyond even her comprehension
Her nipples hardened.
With a shriek battle cry, she rushed the godess
Lasso’s slinging and sword swinging
‘You bitch! Its your fault!”
“Stop singing”, start swinging” teased hera
As she manifested a portal to the void.
Before diana could get sucked in, Hades would employ
His hell fire freezing hera in her track
Perfect opening for Diana to attack.
Swoop, hera was no more. Her head splat on the floor
Thankful for his assistant, Diana gave herself to hades
He took her in his arms
She wondered no more

[Universe]

Cereal:

I didn't mind reading this one. It had the usual baffling word choices that bordered on incoherence but also contained some neat little lines found within the meat of the bars themselves, not at their usual impact point - the last few syllables. It was different in that respect so I enjoyed it. Cool "tie ins" to the topic with the golden rope references throughout too.

You should've written more for this one though, for sure. There was some decent momentum built up in this that deserved it... pushing the pace along better than your previous weeks... but you just stopped yourself, I guess? Which is fine because sometimes less is more if you think things will just go off the rails or whatever... which rhey can with you.

I just felt this was an overall more polished effort from top to bottom. If I could give some advice though, I would say continue down this path and really focus on CLARITY going forward - Make it your goal to write clean and easily readable sentences and I think it will benefit you tremendously. Your natural awkward style does lend itself to some deep material occasionally and I think if you focus on your presentation and delivery then your natural... quirkiness? will shine through into something destructively beautiful.

Thanks for the trying this week... I'm a lot nicer when I see effort.

Scar:

I'm so glad you didn't go completely literal here on this topic. LOVED the ending; Thought it was clever and would've been along the lines of what I would've done in terms of focusing on the "wonder" part of the topic and not actually the stereotypical comic book-superhero- Wonder Woman aspect... if that makes sense. (Although a well executed cliched Wonder Woman piece WOULD be kind of cool.) Really appreciated that you referred to her only as "Diana" as well, thus creating a kind of built-in origin story or possibly an epilogue without being too on the nose about it... Hence why I don't know which it is.

Zeus and the Greek Gods talking about who they fucked was hilarious. I guess that goes in line with the title of the piece. Enjoyed the exchanges with Darkseid and Medusa... But there was definitely some lore and characters, and by extension references, that went over my head I'm sure... Yet even what I didn't understand I enjoyed at face value. Your world building here was good enough to carry the less-knowledgable reader through.

You're definitely not the Scar from the GWL in terms of effort you put in anymore lol, the guy that beat ME at the top of my game, for fuck sakes... but you're still one of my favorite writers on here because you're entertaining and intelligent no matter what you decide to do, and you have the ability to go off at anytime and make something insanely epic and magical.

Although this wasn't exactly it, it was still a cleverly written, uniquely fun piece that I enjoyed.

Keep doing your thing man.

Vote: Scar

[Cereal]

votes:

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=152399
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=152389
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=152391

[brokenhal0]

Cereal: There is a underlying poetic rhythm which gave this verse alot more substance and cadence for it's size
you took a cerebral direction that was a bit less abstract then some of your previous verses Personally i want more that's the most frustrating part for me
you cut the greatness short
even tho i know your not really trying you open up a interesting world for the reader in a style i do enjoy reading


Scar: hilarious title.. had to read this verse back a few times to really appreciate it
excellent story with a satirical nature the hints of allegory add depth
some parts read like a run on sentence which looses a bit of momentum
but you pick it back up with skillful tie-ins and slick rhyme structure
you had the more enveloped story with good imagery humor
sublimes and character interactions which read like a comic book


Mvgt -Scar

[symetrik]

I don't know much of anything about superhero stuff so bear that in mind.

cereal - I still honestly see a bit of improvement in you each time, and I know you're trying to keep your voice your own which still shows (and unfortunately still reads as a detriment to your verses). it more or less made sense, but there was enough sloppy grammar and wording that it still was hard to read.

scar - very heavy super hero stuff going on so I apologize if I miss literally everything. good story, not great, but certainly more structured than your opponent. "parademon", "parademon", "parademon" ahhhh. I dunno, if it wasn't against cereal I wouldn't have given it much thought bc I know you can be fire

vote - scar

[Pharaohs Army]

Cereal:

Against the grain here...I'm gonna be honest and tell you that I think this verse shows some regression rather than improvement... Just my opinion and I'll tell you why...
Many of your previous verses contain the same poor grammar and nonsensical phrases, BUT you sprinkle in creative ideas and imagery. In this one I'm not seeing the creativity and imagery I do in some of your other pieces. And the nonsensical phrases lacked the "cool" factor that some of your older pieces do...where a quarter or half of the phrases make no sense but are still intriguing or cool.

You focused on rhyming, particularly in the first stanza. I think it hurt you...some words and phrases in there are just forced rhymes.

I'm glad that you continue to write & try... you have a lot of potential I believe.
And I think you WANT to be unorthodox...which is FINE, I dig that aspect...you just have to find a way to do it better.

I bet if you or I (or anyone) dug through your seasons of verses we could pluck some really cool phrases and imagery, smash them all together, rhyme some, try to find a theme or a central storyline...would take some editing but my point is the end result would be COOL,
So I guess my point is-- next week, focus on your imagery, PHRASING/word choice, story or theme...&the rhymes will come naturally. good luck
------------

Scar

Disclaimer: much like Symetrik I have never seen the WonderWoman movies and am not well-versed in the DC/Marvel/Comic world...

You start out with heavy rhymes then it progresses to near rhymes and sometimes non-rhymes. This is not necessarily a terrible thing...just kind of surprised me.
For some reason I really dig the near rhyme of bacterias /crack barriers

I wish I could comment more story-wise,,,just don't know enough about the background/topic...I guess I will just say I was motivated to keep reading to see what happens and how it ends. Therefore it was engaging ENOUGH. I like the ending when it says she gave herself to Hades. lol

You sprinkle a bunch of dialogue, one of your strenghts.

That being said, I felt it did not meet nearly the depth/skill level of traditional Scar verses that I've seen in the past. But the picture/topic and the amount of time you spent on it can certainly be factors in that.

V Scar

[Master Rock]

Cereal's verse had a vibe throughout. He got in deep but I feel he could of fleshed out this story more. Scar's verse on the otherhand definitely caught my attention. He obvious knows DC as well as me and I was a sucka for that. Good concepts and storytelling expanding to the lore. My vote goes to Scar because he touched my inner nerd.

[Dope girl]

This is tough choice for me

Cereal vs enteraning reading he I felt like his vs fit topic more

vs well written



Scar- Vs had deeper Emotions
it flow pretty well

Vote-Scar

[Frank]

@Scar
WINS!