WEEK TEN CONTENDERS: TIMELESS (3-3) vs MIKE WRECKA (2-1) MIKE WINS 2-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK TEN

@Mike Wrecka @timeless


Verse Due: THURSDAY JUNE 16TH @ 11:59 PM

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:








GOOD LUCK

[timeless]

You need ext?

[Mike Wrecka]

Originally Posted by timeless

You need ext?

nope

[Mike Wrecka]

There’s a weight hanging over me, ready to drop, and I can’t determine, if it’s heavy or not,
sometimes I just want to take a machete and chop , everything around me, into confetti and swap,
this life for another , with less pressure felt, this stress is gonna put me on a stretcher, help!,
inner turmoil, fuels the pain, stricken with royal and purple veins,
ripped from the soil, but jewels remain, a victim embroiled won’t bloom the same,
symptoms learned spoil the internal flame, sickened as I toil in a turtles frame ,
feel boxed in like I’m boxing in a box when, clots thin out of options on these toxins ,
abandon bandages and bleed excessive, I’m no longer here ,you can leave a message,
writings on the wall, read the sentence, remorseful but still cant achieve my penance,
it’s pathetic I used to specialize in athletics, now I go to a dentist so I can specialize in anesthetics,
tried to be perfect, but it was out of my reach, uncertainty will make you doubt your beliefs ,
sometimes I just want to go into my house and retreat, from the world that has given me a thousand defeats,
and I’ve found my peace, it wasn’t hard to find, giving up on life, with these scars of mine,
days are fragmented shards of time,but this was the hand I was dealt, these cards are fine,
they wanted a daughter that excelled in sports, hotels , travel teams, in hell, a corpse,
oh well , as a teen on a rebellious course, pushed into things, feeling helpless, forced,
innocence lost , soon black clouds formed, now I’m living in the midst of the loudest storm,
the portrait I portray ,is proud and strong, but when I’m all alone a frown is worn,
gravity of expectations, has me feeling crushed , fingerprints remain on my ceiling touched ,
exposed to addiction and it’s revealing clutch , all I do is exist but is that still enough?
my father always said I would achieve great things, but now disappointment has replaced his dreams,
all I do these days is lose weight and fiend, living in the gutter and the fate it brings ,
I yell for help emitting the faintest screams, I really want to change but it’s too late it seems
all of this anxiety is too much to bear, wish I had someone to lean on but no crutch is there,
look in the mirror as I brush my hair, in a public restroom while getting a ton of stares ,
as I stumble outside to the best of my ability, my dad shows up to give me a ride to a rehab facility,
he is optimistic saying I’ll return to health,
he hasn’t given up on me, even when I’ve given up on myself

[timeless]

You are weak!
A fireworks display for the ages, turned night into day.
Vanilla and ember hues grace us to burn light through decay.
Older we get, we start chasing and learn to fight for a way.
Frightens me to say that I'm facing a curve that likes me to stay.
I could travel backwords, seems so practical for an asshole.
With no means to look forward, I saddle up and pass hope.
Catching up to fate now, he always drives below the limit.
Staggering over the line, fate is like a drunk guy on hold for minutes.
"Its been over an hour!" "Sir, its been 45 seconds and i do apologize."
Soon i follow wise guides through the darkness with hollow eyes.
Death can't be too much further ahead, I can almost taste it.
I can follow this road now and sever all of my close relations.
Or I can stay focused with shame and my enrolled patience in.
Yet I didn't sign up for this, I might as well sip some old Jameson.

Oh jitterbug,
Will you bring us a storm?
To lift us up,
Please sing of love and the norm.

You are strong!
With an enlightened state of mind, I jumped out of my bed.
Much to tackle so I planned to have lunch with my debt.
I had to fire all the nuisances that brought me to this place.
All the cigs, booze, weed gone, the truth seeks to alter the stakes.
Only the good die young, but I need to change the outcome.
I have many things to do and to prove no shame and I am not scum.
Shirt untucked, I fumbled my words at lunch and left the meeting.
It seems I've been fucked from day one and I must accept my ceiling.
Unless the feeling is met with unrest then I must persevere.
Curtailed the waste and I've done less with luck and worse with fear.
A curtain's tears are only met with the announcement of last hope.
Told the shades to back off, I'll let them know when we'll pass go.
With all this weight in my hands, I can only keep up for so long.
So I'm changing the plans, I'll let go and feed luck a slow song.

[brokenhal0]

...TIE.. nuff said

[Dominate]

Sorry to see you guys have gotten ZERO feedback/votes so far. Anyone who participated this week should vote on this. Shame. Shame on all of you.



Mike: I liked the drip-drip of tangible details amidst the #feelings bars, by the end I had a clear sense of the narrative. Not super original/creative but not bad either, it fit the topic well enough. The rhyme schemes were good in terms of mechanics but a lot of the multis were kinda forced - awkward/unnatural wording and some instances of just plain bad writing ("feel boxed in like I'm... in a box" lol come on). That said there were some good turns of phrase in there too - I liked "I’m no longer here ,you can leave a message". You've written better but this was OK.

Timeless: I liked your idea on the topic a little more - are we seeing weakness or strength in the pic? Is the weight bearing down on the person or is the person lifting it up? That was cool. You had some good bars like the opener, but also a lot of strange similes/metaphors that I didn't hate because they were kind of interesting, but I didn't really "get" what you were trying to say in them either, and that happened in most of your bars. A prime example would be "fate is like a drunk guy on hold for minutes." The follow up bar was amusing, but what does it mean? I really liked "I must persevere...I've done less with luck and worse with fear.".


Overall I think Timeless was more creative both in terms of take on the topic and the writing itself, but I'm more drawn to verses I can just read and understand easily/fully, rather than a verse full of more abstract lines that I have to do the work of ascribing meaning to.

Voting for Mike.

[Adverse]

This was a good battle. It’s literally been up almost a week and hasn’t got a single vote other than Doninate’s which I truly believe is because voters are intimidated by how close this is. I really liked how the topic could be interpreted as either the weight is being lifted or that it was bearing down on the person in the drawing and like that you guys both had takes on the opposite ends of it. Dope. It took me three reads to actually prefer one verse to another m, but let’s get to it

Mike
This read more like an emotional information dump that rhymed through the beginning of your verse, which is awesome, your character was really spilling their guts for awhile but in the kind of ranting format of your verse there were some genuine gems sprinkled in, things like:

“ and I’ve found my peace, it wasn’t hard to find, giving up on life, with these scars of mine,
days are fragmented shards of time,but this was the hand I was dealt, these cards are fine,”

“ abandon bandages and bleed excessive, I’m no longer here ,you can leave a message,”

The writing was up and down here though you had high peaks and also had some low lows.

As far as from a narrative standpoint you didn’t break the mold here but the ending did make sense and pertained enough to the topic that it worked well.

Timeless:
I liked where this was going but I felt like your narrative got really foggy, I liked the fact your based this around the idea of this character holding the weight up as opposed to being crushed by it. Just feels like you were sort of all over the place though and even though Mike’s narrative wasn’t amazing he stuck to his story and delivered a coherent piece. I don’t think I can say the same for you here man. I feel like if you sat down and nailed down your story structure first and then filled in the blanks you’d be better off.

I liked Mike’s take here better personally. I do think both these guys are great writers though and hope they keep it pushing as it stands

V/MIKE WRECKA