WEEK 4: brokenhal0 vs Objectve vs Inno - 4-2 INNO WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@brokenhal0 @Objective


Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: April 16, 2020 EST

Topic: by adverse.

GOODLUCK!

[Inno]

in

[brokenhal0]

yep

[Objective]

necessary post is being posted post post

[brokenhal0]

;. INDUSTRIOUS NATRALITY .;



Gaia and Lucifer giant superstar sun between both of them
paradise with the polar punch pair of dice with the sol undone
hanging on dangling space wearing bangle plates tangling faith
generating heat and friction it became addiction to escape the spinning
and create additions mixed faces with the lasers in em
industrial waste with the flaming engines she absorbs
how you play that feeling i say that chilling in her ocean
lucid in the flame of devotion drink the devils potion and remain open
hotep walking fast with a slow step minds clouded but i know best
became creator first step I remain to serve favor i love her navel
take a bite its far from fatal that's only what the markets say fool
they work hard to play you we play each other but remain cool
loyalty is a safe room thats what the mark will say to it takes two
to became one and make three say what you want or take me
the chimneys will break free and her soil will make trees
fake seeds with the slain ease
slang g's safe seas clash im on venus with the flea pass
its deceit but the seeds last and we can make dreams fast
lilith with a mean ass killers with the G pass only to get g'd last
my fertile earth became a weak ash support me with that disease mask
rebirth only one being passed androgynous seahorse in a tea flask
get cheese fast with the geez ask my disciples use the same rifle
got married over the same idol mother nature and her waves tidal
it remains vital i was god till i ripped the fake bible
pride got the best and we put each other to rest
ghost is not death and host is godbless joined at the hand grafted at the hip
she has eternity i have bliss we fall and that's it and rise like that's kids...

man and mother earth
mass to muddle first
mask to muffle birth
sands and humble dirt
which land you loving first
hands that huddle hurt
expand the lovers work
understand the subtle swerve x2

[Objective]

Mother Earth & Father Tech

She give birth to nature while he use her fruits of labor,
both in tune with runes yet convos fuse a mute container.
Between each string of atom crafted & neurotechs ironic laughter
a third symbolic master leaves a bitter taste for mornings after.

Evidence of consequence is Common Sense - a brutal sibling -
he was inkling for revealing matters of their mutual stealing.
Crucial healing with dirt as barrier, wondering if he'd marry her,
oily exterior, that's his carrier, so they settle on a boston terrier.
"STOP AND THINK: SOLUTION! What's collusion worth if not for fusion?"
Both neglect in debt to conclusions swept in bouts of more confusion.
Imbued with love and trust they confess their crust got broken:
"I guess we could see less of lust and more of which doors we open."

Toxic relations appear with grey borders and landscapes of fear,
mountains move strands of her hair as clouds thickens while she's gasping for air.
His mask of plantations see past her hidden disgust, such injust gets forgiven with trust
where vision gets blurred,
he must get through her minds wrinkled construct from words that he's earned,
then saying;

"If only Treason were us..." Conveying:
"We bust each element elegant in nature where God is irrelevant,
it's evident our arrogant posture is feigning for settlement."
As each others experiment he bring his hand to her cheeks
dirty as sewer pipes leading to creeks yet honest and sweet.
He consciously speak with diffidence:
"I love how you're making me weak but we're too different,
so, I think we should acknowledge unique."

With ease they part ways and feel damaged for weeks,
but hey, scars stay so they'll never salvage their weeps.
You can't see the forest for trees now that he's stuck on the streets,
and they both continue to poison the people they meet.

[Inno]

Better:

She was new when she found me
perfect’ her hue, shining bright past boundaries
natural roots clinging deep to my valves
her dirt clean to the touch
her tears flowed, cleansing all that it showered
I stayed countless nights attached to her bosom
laying between blue clouds and a grassy cushion
giving her fruits to harvest with out condition
seasons of endless love in constant repetition
she is perfect...


she was new, back when she met me
colors a little dull now, little fading around her borders
Still clings to my heart, now jaded and old
still clean though I might have stains to my soul
and I blame her....
so I fight and fuss trying to change... her
the one who would nurture me without hesitation
her nature was my savior
but I betrayed her and changed my behavior
trading blue clouds for concrete outlines
from grassy knolls to beds fit with kings n queens size
her boundless fruit made me complacent and greedy
mothers milk was addictive but I drank wide eyed and hastily
now the well is running dry....

I remember when I met you, you’re still as beautiful
despite my stains you still want me to hold you
what i survive on you’re still providing the seeds for
behind those concrete outlines blue clouds adorn
although the planes have been all outlined in borders
the green of your good natural keeps order
history claims faults will repeat and reveal what is true
so I hope to never change you again
You where perfect the day I met you.

[Universe]

Triple threat time... Let's go!

brokenhal0 - Technically a decent verse here. Some consistent multi's throughout and I found some cool wordplay sprinkled in there as well. But besides that, this piece reminded me of a puzzle where the pieces were forced together because they don't belong to the same puzzle... a lot of random chaos. I love topicals because of the stories and quite frankly, I just didn't get one here... And I felt myself losing interest near the middle because of it. I loved how you posted early though... just attacked the topic and went right in. Kudos on that.

Objective - This was one of my favorite verses I've seen from you yet. This week you really nailed the vibe of a topical and combined your skills with telling a pretty cool story.

"As each others experiment he bring his hand to her cheeks
dirty as sewer pipes leading to creeks yet honest and sweet."

Loved this line ^^. Some amazing imagery here. Great job this week man... Inno better bring it.

Inno - Inno... Some slick imagery as always, with a metaphorical weight behind it that gives it all just enough credence.

"colors a little dull now, little fading around her borders
Still clings to my heart, now jaded and old
still clean though I might have stains to my soul
and I blame her...."

This was a solid take on a pretty difficult topic to nail down. Although not quite up to the level of your week 2 verse, it still does enough to make an impact. Although, misspelling "were" in the final line dampens the effect unfortunately. Small thing but having to re-read the ending line because it didn't make sense took away some of the momentum for me. But, that said... your point had already been made.

Okay... So this comes down to Objective and Inno in my mind. Both were sort of alluding to the same concepts but one came off a little clearer than the other. A little more poetic, in my mind. I love Objrctive's verse this week but it just wasn't enough to take down Inno's here.

Vote - Inno

Good work all around fellas.

[Pharaohs Army]

brokenhal0
In this and other things you write I appreciate your ability to rhyme. It's good. But you often throw random things together which makes for a wobbly read. If you could be a bit more linear, go from A to B instead of XYZ, you'd get votes and more readers.

Objective
Pretty cool piece. You have a tendency to overdue a line sometimes, packing in extra rhymes (which can be good if executed properly), but yours sometimes has a rambling effect. Some stretched phrases salvage their weeps? But overall this piece kept me engaged and curious as to the meaning of some of it.

Inno
I get that you're a poet but sometimes I like a more metered rhyme. You seemed to pick and choose when you decided to rhyme, as opposed to doing it throughout. Perhaps I've been spoiled by better showings from you in the past; I thought this verse, while occasionally having some good imagery-- was rather plain. Not bad, but not great.

I've got V Objective here with the most compelling narrative

[Ender]

brokenhal0
Your piece had a beautiful flow to it, and there was also a lot of interesting vocabulary and imagery used. For me though, it was difficult to get my head around exactly what you were trying to say, other than a general theme of nature being contaminated with a religious twist to it. In my opinion, topicals always sit somewhere on the spectrum between a story and a poem, and the more extreme you go in either direction, the more you lose voters who favour the other side of the spectrum. I favour storytelling more myself, so while this was a piece that showed a lot of technical skill, I couldn't really connect with it. Nice writing though.

Objective
This piece tackles a similar theme to brokenhal0's (given the topic for this battle I'm not surprised) but I found it to be more accessible. It tackled the damage we are doing to our planet through the lens of a toxic relationship. The piece approached this in a poetic way, rather than a story-driven way, but still hit the main beats of the beginning and eventual decline of the realtionship. For me the strengths of this piece could be found in the impact of some of the individual lines. The lines about 'mountains move strands of her hair' and the closing line 'they both continue to poison the people they meet' really resonated with me. Nice piece of writing.

Inno
This piece, while still clearly being what I would call poetry, was the most story-driven of all three pieces. The story and characters (being man and nature) were well developed, with nice little details to help me connect to the piece. I liked that you spent the first stanza recounting the good times, and nature was depicted as forgiving rather than vengeful. I also liked that man was portrayed as weak and thoughtless rather than malicious. But what really made the piece memorable was the wording and flow. Your multis worked in such a satisfying and natural way. I thought this was a strong piece.


I thought all three of you dropped solid pieces of writing. All three leaned into a poetic style, relying on flow, rhyme and imagery. I felt like Inno executed this best, while also having the strongest story, which is why he gets my vote.

Vote - Inno

[Scar]

hal0, the flow and rhyme scheme was awesome. the rhyming was cool too. i like that aspect of your verse quite a bit yo. wave tidal lulz a bit of a force but it hit sounded really cool with the preceding line. so that aside, i was puzzled on the sudden change of tone. like the first half was written in this elegant manner then it got all slangy for some reason. first i thought it was about the devil with the creator first step bit then it turn into like life in the ghetto or something like that lulz.

objective, very cool allegory here my man. the manipulative way -abuse- of father tech on mother earth was a cleverly done. creative as it is, there were quite a few instances of weird wording like "mutual stealing" and "salvage their weeps" and "if only treason were us" huh? i did like this part in particular "As each others experiment he bring his hand to her cheeks
dirty as sewer pipes leading to creeks yet honest and sweet." that was great because it was concise and wasn't clad in layered complicated subtext you know?

inno, this verse shares similarity with objective and rightfully so based on the photo. its another allegory but this time instead of an abusive relationship, its a mother son dynamic. this verse was super poetic. at times, it even omit the topical sensibility of rhymescheme and went straight up poetry lulz. not a bad thing mind you, just an observation. the story was told in an endearing way and hit an emotional chord. i like the "beautiful" motif as it really hammer down the sentiment between son and mother.

vote i will cast my vote to inno. I thought his verse had less flaws than the other two but still able to convey a story with a message. nicely done gentlemen

[Bodey]

ugh first off i hate you all, i liked every verse here, i think all of you did a good job portraying this dope pic

brokenhalo- loved your imagery and multi rhymes, it was like reading a battle of the two-- creation and result. not trying to piggyback what other people have mentioned, i'm a fan of emotional writing and the ability to tell a more specific story. some of the parts had me confused of what you were describing, whether it was from God's perspective or generalized gentrification from mother nature to the mcdonadalization of society. but you stayed at a generalized viewpoint so i wish it went further into depth.

Objective- "Toxic relations appear with grey borders and landscapes of fear,
mountains move strands of her hair as clouds thickens while she's gasping for air.
His mask of plantations see past her hidden disgust, such injust gets forgiven with trust
where vision gets blurred," this was definitely my favorite part of your piece. I found it on a similar approach to brokenhalo's as far as the concepts went. though well written, it was hard for me to get into it. unfortunately it bored me a little bit but the description was all there so it was a solid hunk of writing

inno- definitely seemed more personal of the pieces. concentrated too, with lines easyflowing. always get something out of your shit. also related to the feelings of the narrator for sure. so this is the issue:

i dont even want to vote on this battle between the two of you honestly because i think both pieces illustrated the picture well. but between you and objective, i have to go with objective just because i believe his imagery flowed better with the pic, but as individual pieces aside from the pic, i would've went with inno. dont hate me

v/ Objective

[Adverse]

Alright guys I’ll give you the short version.

hal0 - your flow and rhyme schemes are awesome they’re really audio-esque but my biggest problem with this is sometimes you seem more focused on your rhymes than the story you’re telling. I think a lot of what you were trying to convey got lost in this automatic flow o of rhymes. I liked your verse but would like to see you tell a more coherent story next time.

Objective - The route you took the subject may have been the “safe” route but I think you told it well. That piece of writing that Bodey quoted you on was my favorite as well. The ending was nice too and I like how you said they both went on poisoning the people around them.

Inno - Your subject was in the same vein as Objective’s but I liked it, a love letter to nature! Thought it started a tad bit slow but it gained some steam and the last section was great. Some awesome imagery here, and I’m in the exact opposite boat as Pharoah because I love the poetic touch that you brought to the table here and that’s what pushes your verse over the edge for me

V/Inno great battle