Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Forum > Open Mic Section

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 08-18-2013, 09:37 PM   #1
Mr. J
The Clown Prince
 
Mr. J's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 59349682
Mr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant future
Default Consumed Conformity in Affirmitive Action

I'm the ghost in the machine, hosting the dream
disposing of thieves, open-ended tales cloaking the theme
for those who boasted of beef, vegetarians...hoping to eat
incarcerating these suckas, behind these bars elope with a tree
til you fall from the height you claim & you choke in your seat
asphyxiating your hopes of being hard, die, die in your sleep
a beast, king of my jungle, and I'm a fucking lion in heat
did em' like Suge did Pac, that's where I been driving this thing
the golden child, Atum-Ra, the night is the silver lining to me
been what you trying to be, living life outside society
with the optics of Providence, triangulating the impossible
pretentious brewery, got your pride waiting to be bottled
hospitable father, welcoming you to the collection in the armory
gotta be...something else for you to touch me, heterosexual monogamy
get off of me, I'm on another diagnostic pattern sent from Saturn
keeping their heads ringing out of a lavish sense of my mastering...
what I produce alone should cause a rupture in the planet...
a local disaster plastered over the news discussion surroundin' the rapture
the damage alone would cause mother earth to gulp a morning after
same road, different trail, same hand that put quarters in a wishing well
will...wish them well, pat their heads, say a prayer then give them hell..
mu'fucker don't tell me nothin' bout it...
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you

Last edited by Mr. J; 08-18-2013 at 09:45 PM.
Mr. J is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-19-2013, 01:08 AM   #2
Nigma
The COAT...
 
Nigma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 1,723
Battle Record: 28-20


Champed
- Art of Writing League (x3)

Rep Power: 4595813
Nigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant futureNigma has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
incarcerating these suckas, behind these bars elope with a tree
didnt like the wording in the second half. sometimes you can kinda rescue that sort of line with the next line if thats really the direction you want to go but othertimes its just as easy to change the uncomfortably worded portion.
Quote:
did em' like Suge did Pac, that's where I been driving this thing
dope line, well placed with good set up, i was diggin it

Saturn line was memorable. opener/closure were average to me, best lines came sporadically throughout, made it entertaining to read.
__________________
Nigma is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-21-2013, 11:16 PM   #3
Mr. J
The Clown Prince
 
Mr. J's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 59349682
Mr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant future
Default

Thanx breh
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you
Mr. J is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-22-2013, 01:54 AM   #4
Certain
Mad fucking dangerous.
 
Certain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,066
Battle Record: 40-19


Champed
- AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)

Rep Power: 85899406
Certain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond reputeCertain has a reputation beyond repute
Default

You're driven by your rhymes, which is pretty cool, but it does lead to a wild mix of quality in the individual lines themselves. Following the corny lion line with the much stronger Suge line is a good example. The content sputtered in the second half, too. It seems whenever I read your verses that you have a ton of talent but write really quickly, unworried about polishing your verses. That's fine and certainly a reasonable choice, one I'm guilty of at times. But it leads to that chonic unevenness.
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.
Certain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-25-2013, 07:56 PM   #5
Mr. J
The Clown Prince
 
Mr. J's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,046
Battle Record: 35-45


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 59349682
Mr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant futureMr. J has a brilliant future
Default

cool bro
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you
Mr. J is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:24 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2025 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+