scales and symbols

[brokenhal0]

ravens stare in my windows the dim light
illuminates dark crescendo's crescent flow

pretend is a good thing you took on the hood pain
for the clear glory misery i call it a mood swing

material hustlers ball out the rental stimulated temple
scales and symbols im never gentle i see the sentimental

compassion is the degree your taking with you
angels and elementals say my melody is off the rift too

she complains im ruff when the waters get rugged
bugged shit i walked threw the middle sluggish

sluggin with the dozens but im dumpin with the somthings
wars won below amount to nothin for the munchkins

bear torches no fear in the darkness can you
rely on your own orbit and get the raw picture

toast vodka and stroganhoff with ya from queens to corsica
no fear in my nightmares day dreams speak a soft whisper

puzzle the pieces together my nuzzle the muzzle is on ya
speaking to puddles the letter B bounce off and cause a oscillation

brokenhal0 breaking beakers above you
beaked plague masked demon placing beacons in mushrooms

fingerpoping highschooler in lunchrooms
settin fires to group homes perverted arsonist

psy pharmacist solipsistic third optic diabolic gift
gynecologist fist fucking turkey necked goblin gobblers

not your grandmom or your mommas just your girl
in her pajamas !!

fuck change not a cent pulling emotional triggers
vampin on your energy vent....

[Mr. J]

This was pretty sick. Out of all the writers that grace this area. .
I feel like you are one of my faves. your use of words & slant rhymes is slick
You rarely drop though but when you do its really worth the read
its sad that everyone has slept on this though...I guess half of it is my fault.
but hey...someone has to keep things moving when dudes are slacking right.
anyway man. keep doing you and keep writing I'll show love when available

[Clutbuck]

hell nah, i often check for brokenhal0's shit...

this one was way different in style than what were used to seeing from you

seemed more track related, to be recorded, than just straight text?

reason i say that is the use of lines line this:

sluggin with the dozens but im dumpin with the somthings
wars won below amount to nothin for the munchkins

there's a LOT of similar sounding words used in that to give it a sense of implied rhythm and cadence, if you havent recorded this, i think you should

prob sounds a hundred times better on beat than it reads in text

keep that pen moving!

[Objective]

I don't get the recording bit Clutbuck was talking about but I'd like to see it executed the way he envisions it as it sounds dope. Agree with everything else he said though, shit's cool. A bit weird but cool.

[Clutbuck]

what i was referring to was the rhyme placement, theres a lot of similar sounding words within the lines (particularly that couplet) and rapped in quick succession - those two lines would sound dope:

sluggin with the dozens but im dumpin with the somthings
wars won below amount to nothin for the munchkins

i just think if said aloud that shit reads more audio-friendly (i hate saying audio) than it comes off in text

its more suited to songs

[brokenhal0]

im rapping to myself when i write it so it sounds better ...i give it life that way...
you can hear me you know by reading it....thanks fellaz

[Objective]

Originally Posted by Clutbuck

what i was referring to was the rhyme placement, theres a lot of similar sounding words within the lines

Ye, I understood that was what you meant, it's just that I can't see how this can sound nice on a beat with switch up's in flow etc. like these:

''bear torches no fear in the darkness can you
rely on your own orbit and get the raw picture
toast vodka and stroganhoff with ya from queens to corsica
no fear in my nightmares day dreams speak a soft whisper
puzzle the pieces together my nuzzle the muzzle is on ya
speaking to puddles the letter B bounce off and cause a oscillation''

It looks good and reads well together as a whole but I'm struggling to see how it can be executed nice on a beat. I'd like to hear it though.