deadman -- set you free

dead man · 03-16-2014, 02:03 AM

abomination. tonsil tasting. coffee beans, pixie sticks
grammar nazi, apple motley. tommy lee and nikki sixx
digital antichrist, the analogue poltergeist
quoted cause he wrote it in a notebook, twice
prayer, love, independence. coke, sprite, ocean beds and open mic
hammer dance in polka dots. polka music, poker night
so precise, throw your dice. buy another overpriced
orgasm on the rocks. lemon slice. you're cold as ice
don't be nice, just sacrifice. hard smile like paper sand
fold your hand. find a hobby, origami, wave a flag
take a stance. defend it with your life, make a statement
label yourself by occupation and die
i've been waiting to try. persian tiger dose the mainline
walked cliffside if only to commit suicide
that phrase, how it tastes. ink and acid and twine
vines and acupuncture. veins, vinyls, tape. CD drives
made us alive. frankenstein was rhythm and rhyme
winter and pine, lines like christmastime. i'll fix you goodbye
and pulse the bassline like a junky for speed
it was time, let it pass. reveal a functional being
so if you end up meaning nothing to me
i'll break your chains, blackbird. set you free
if you take a dive, make it mine. let me believe
you were born and one day forgot to breathe

if only,

yours

Geno · 03-16-2014, 02:34 AM

Like what u did here.. although... it felt a little rushed to me mecjanically

This part here seemed awkward.. was lyrixally pretty nice just as well as the rest of the piece was. Just read odd imo.. going for a new style?

Natural · 03-16-2014, 02:41 AM

If you read this at a relentless pace it flows well..
Least how I read it. This was cool from a rhyme scheme perspective.
A bit too vague to be judged too much but I can dig it or
what it is.

Paradigm · 03-16-2014, 12:58 PM

digital antichrist, the analogue poltergeist
quoted cause he wrote it in a notebook, twice

LOL that's dope im digging the spitfire approach also

Zen · 03-16-2014, 03:06 PM

prayer, love, independence. coke, sprite, ocean beds and open mic
hammer dance in polka dots. polka music, poker night
so precise, throw your dice. buy another overpriced
orgasm on the rocks. lemon slice. you're cold as ice
don't be nice, just sacrifice. hard smile like paper sand
fold your hand. find a hobby, origami, wave a flag
take a stance. defend it with your life, make a statement
^^Crisp flow.

Every time I read your writing I always find uses of alliteration so I assume by now that is not an accident. That may be why your writing is so revered here because you practice every element of writing and implement them into your works. But I don't think you do that. I think you just have a crazy brain that does it for you. Fuck now I'm rambling again. Well, this was good. Especially the section that I quoted but obviously I have seen better from you. I'll be looking forward to your next piece. Adios.

Eŋg · 03-17-2014, 04:56 PM

this read a bit off to me. i wonder what would happen if instead of moving so quickly through transitory concepts you just sat and dripfed one enough experience until it evolved. i think even if you did the allusion to the other would be heavy. this was a cool exercise, i guess.

digital antichrist, the analogue poltergeist
quoted cause he wrote it in a notebook, twice
prayer, love, independence. coke, sprite, ocean beds and open mic
hammer dance in polka dots. polka music, poker night
so precise, throw your dice. buy another overpriced
orgasm on the rocks. lemon slice. you're cold as ice

^ i liked this. particularly the last two.

dead man · 03-17-2014, 10:53 PM

Thank you guys..

razor wayans damon blades · 03-18-2014, 04:03 PM

nice

razor wayans damon blades · 03-19-2014, 02:52 PM

the constant dropping of shortened rhymes was repetitive - in a good way! dope drop

what books do you read?

CopyPat · 03-20-2014, 03:07 AM

sup d, another smoothly painted picture. u know i love ur stuff, i found this one got weaker as it went though, but only because the start was so strong.

abomination. tonsil tasting. coffee beans, pixie sticks
grammar nazi, apple motley. tommy lee and nikki sixx
digital antichrist, the analogue poltergeist
quoted cause he wrote it in a notebook, twice
prayer, love, independence. coke, sprite, ocean beds and open mic
hammer dance in polka dots. polka music, poker night
so precise, throw your dice. buy another overpriced
orgasm on the rocks. lemon slice. you're cold as ice
don't be nice, just sacrifice. hard smile like paper sand
fold your hand. find a hobby, origami, wave a flag

Like that was retarded. pretty hard to follow that up with another half as good

the style was new and different for you.. more on a technical level. but the feel of the piece was all the same as most of your work. the shorter rhymes and puns were cool though. and not cheesy, really well done. overall another really good drop. check out my latest, i did a topical... about fat chicks lol

03-16-2014, 02:03 AM	#1
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,485 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606679	deadman -- set you free abomination. tonsil tasting. coffee beans, pixie sticks grammar nazi, apple motley. tommy lee and nikki sixx digital antichrist, the analogue poltergeist quoted cause he wrote it in a notebook, twice prayer, love, independence. coke, sprite, ocean beds and open mic hammer dance in polka dots. polka music, poker night so precise, throw your dice. buy another overpriced orgasm on the rocks. lemon slice. you're cold as ice don't be nice, just sacrifice. hard smile like paper sand fold your hand. find a hobby, origami, wave a flag take a stance. defend it with your life, make a statement label yourself by occupation and die i've been waiting to try. persian tiger dose the mainline walked cliffside if only to commit suicide that phrase, how it tastes. ink and acid and twine vines and acupuncture. veins, vinyls, tape. CD drives made us alive. frankenstein was rhythm and rhyme winter and pine, lines like christmastime. i'll fix you goodbye and pulse the bassline like a junky for speed it was time, let it pass. reveal a functional being so if you end up meaning nothing to me i'll break your chains, blackbird. set you free if you take a dive, make it mine. let me believe you were born and one day forgot to breathe if only, yours __________________ Zack Wicks for president Last edited by dead man; 03-18-2014 at 10:40 PM.

03-16-2014, 02:34 AM	#2
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	Like what u did here.. although... it felt a little rushed to me mecjanically This part here seemed awkward.. was lyrixally pretty nice just as well as the rest of the piece was. Just read odd imo.. going for a new style? __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

03-17-2014, 10:53 PM	#7
dead man living Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 3,485 Battle Record: 33-18 Accomplishments - Hall of Fame Champed - AOWL Season 1 - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 4 - Write Week V - GWL Season 1 Rep Power: 77606679	Thank you guys.. __________________ Zack Wicks for president

03-20-2014, 03:07 AM	#10
CopyPat Mic Check Join Date: Mar 2013 Location: Calgary Alberta Canada Posts: 708 Battle Record: 13-10 Rep Power: 3742225	sup d, another smoothly painted picture. u know i love ur stuff, i found this one got weaker as it went though, but only because the start was so strong. abomination. tonsil tasting. coffee beans, pixie sticks grammar nazi, apple motley. tommy lee and nikki sixx digital antichrist, the analogue poltergeist quoted cause he wrote it in a notebook, twice prayer, love, independence. coke, sprite, ocean beds and open mic hammer dance in polka dots. polka music, poker night so precise, throw your dice. buy another overpriced orgasm on the rocks. lemon slice. you're cold as ice don't be nice, just sacrifice. hard smile like paper sand fold your hand. find a hobby, origami, wave a flag Like that was retarded. pretty hard to follow that up with another half as good the style was new and different for you.. more on a technical level. but the feel of the piece was all the same as most of your work. the shorter rhymes and puns were cool though. and not cheesy, really well done. overall another really good drop. check out my latest, i did a topical... about fat chicks lol __________________ My syllable count approximately a billion, bounce. You cannot compete.

03-16-2014, 02:41 AM	#3
Natural Senior Member Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 659 Rep Power: 0	If you read this at a relentless pace it flows well.. Least how I read it. This was cool from a rhyme scheme perspective. A bit too vague to be judged too much but I can dig it or what it is.

03-16-2014, 12:58 PM	#4
Paradigm ___________ Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: California Posts: 1,989 Battle Record: 4-4 Champed - The Ultimate Textcee - NBL Cypher Rep Power: 11033512	digital antichrist, the analogue poltergeist quoted cause he wrote it in a notebook, twice LOL that's dope im digging the spitfire approach also

03-16-2014, 03:06 PM	#5
Zen Arm the Homeless Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,102 Battle Record: 22-24 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 35079722	prayer, love, independence. coke, sprite, ocean beds and open mic hammer dance in polka dots. polka music, poker night so precise, throw your dice. buy another overpriced orgasm on the rocks. lemon slice. you're cold as ice don't be nice, just sacrifice. hard smile like paper sand fold your hand. find a hobby, origami, wave a flag take a stance. defend it with your life, make a statement ^^Crisp flow. Every time I read your writing I always find uses of alliteration so I assume by now that is not an accident. That may be why your writing is so revered here because you practice every element of writing and implement them into your works. But I don't think you do that. I think you just have a crazy brain that does it for you. Fuck now I'm rambling again. Well, this was good. Especially the section that I quoted but obviously I have seen better from you. I'll be looking forward to your next piece. Adios.

03-17-2014, 04:56 PM	#6
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	this read a bit off to me. i wonder what would happen if instead of moving so quickly through transitory concepts you just sat and dripfed one enough experience until it evolved. i think even if you did the allusion to the other would be heavy. this was a cool exercise, i guess. digital antichrist, the analogue poltergeist quoted cause he wrote it in a notebook, twice prayer, love, independence. coke, sprite, ocean beds and open mic hammer dance in polka dots. polka music, poker night so precise, throw your dice. buy another overpriced orgasm on the rocks. lemon slice. you're cold as ice ^ i liked this. particularly the last two.

03-18-2014, 04:03 PM	#8
razor wayans damon blades Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Posts: 43 Rep Power: 3501591	nice

03-19-2014, 02:52 PM	#9
razor wayans damon blades Member Join Date: Mar 2014 Posts: 43 Rep Power: 3501591	the constant dropping of shortened rhymes was repetitive - in a good way! dope drop what books do you read?