Lotto Smirk (3-3) vs Jimmy (1-0) - {Jimmy Wins}

[Sharp]

NBL Season 7
Week 8

Due MONDAY, January 20th

Minimum - 10 lines
Max - 16 lines
Line limit can increase if both agree

NO biting
NO swaying
NO feeding
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2nd person to post can't edit after the first vote comes in
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You MUST vote on 4 battles & post your links in the Voting Thread
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May God have mercy on your souls

@Lotto Smirk @Jimmy

[Lotto Smirk]

10 or 12?

[Bender]

10

[Bender]

I don't know what this faggot thought when he was stranded & tossed aside by his people..
but I'd be happy to cut through a Lot thats abandoned & filled with used condoms & needles
carving up this ugly twerp makes me smile and I bet you're a homo, poser
so tell us how you got that Bloody Smirk....like Heath Ledger playing his role as the Joker
I've been doing this for like 10 years and I'm a little rusty but fuck you dude
cuz I've had less losses in my whole career...then you've had the past month or two
I'm sick of Lotto jokes, but fuck it here's a back shot
You try so hard to rub against dimes for numbers that we should just call you a scratch off
we all want you to leave so get the picture you phony fuck
and don't you ever think about coming back like Strika always does
@Lotto Smirk

[Lotto Smirk]

u blow mods, cuz ya so soft n ya arsenal lines are fake
If jim cockinanine,hes been lucky in finally asking sharp out on a date
im posting late, cause hes a snack to me,really think jim'll win?
his verses got so much jerk to them, people predicting his chances are slim
you might have ite wording, but them played punches really makes that shits wack
Jim's struggling to use fresh concepts so much i got confused & thought he was battling tictac
ya girls a slut we had downtime & if i tried again i bet u she'll let me
For you she puts up a firewall & i just knock that shit down like i'm ddos'n netcee's
i bang chicks in brass houses, admit it your gay more or less man
his idea of whoring involves paypal n doing gay shows on webcam

blah

[JonTheDon]

Nothing

Vs.

Closer

This battle was meh jim was lil wordy n came off statmentish had some concepts like bloody smirk that coulda work if worded differently same with lotto but he actually threw a jab, firewall could of did something but it was worded bad

V/lotto

[Tettris]

I'm sick of Lotto jokes, but fuck it here's a back shot
You try so hard to rub against dimes for numbers that we should just call you a scratch off

vs

nothing

both verses seemed rushed...no real continuity of punches or rhythm...one highlight vs none...

v/Jimothy

[Tic]

Originally Posted by Jimmy

I've been doing this for like 10 years and I'm a little rusty but fuck you dude
cuz I've had less losses in my whole career...then you've had the past month or two
I'm sick of Lotto jokes, but fuck it here's a back shot
You try so hard to rub against dimes for numbers that we should just call you a scratch off
@Lotto Smirk

Originally Posted by Lotto Smirk

u blow mods, cuz ya so soft n ya arsenal lines are fake
If jim cockinanine,hes been lucky in finally asking sharp out on a date
im posting late, cause hes a snack to me,really think jim'll win?
his verses got so much jerk to them, people predicting his chances are slim
blah

Both of the top lines here were mehhhh as quotables, but I included them anyway. Both verses seemed rushed, but this was a really close battle. I think the scratch off line was LOTB. Lotto had a tough time executing some of his lines...for example the Tic Tac line. Vote Jimmy for a slightlyyyy more consistent verse. I can see this going either way though, it was that close.

[big baby]

Neither opponent was wowing in either department. I'll start off with Jimmy, he had a decent flow, wording, and conceptually he landed a few hits. His lines read with a bit more pop, though going back I can't really remember either persons lines, except for the scratch off, which I double read the first time just to make sure nothing was really forced. It was cool, nice laid back verses from both.

Jimmy had a decent verse in almost all aspects that a battle verse can consist of, where ass lotto had a tougher time compiling these factors. Lotto was good, but sort of wish he had more of a personal attack on Jimmy. Very close battle, looking back on it, Lottos sharp line wasn't that bad, and made me mentally grin. Good job. Guys, but my vote goes to Jimmy by a hair. Thanks

[Texcellence]

Vote: Jimmy

For an overall better verse. Past month or two and scratch off lines were cool.

[Sn00p]

Well, I think that both of you rushed your verses somewhat and/or were rusty. 'Cause some of those lines coulda been pretty good with some more effort put into them. Like this, they seemed very half-assed tho. The only line that was pretty nice to me was the rub off line. That connection worked very well and the concept was fresh to me. That's why it was the lotb in my opinion. And since it was the best one by far, I think it tips the scales in Jim's favor here. So yea. Decent battle. Feel like y'all coulda done more as this felt rushed, but Jim gets it with the lotb.
v/Jim

[namix]

To me this match pretty much came down to 1-2 lines each

Jimmy: key quotable

I'm sick of Lotto jokes, but fuck it here's a back shot
You try so hard to rub against dimes for numbers that we should just call you a scratch off

^^ strong conceptual elaboration here, good example of turning 'basic concepts' into something quite impactful by really building upon the concept and adding small layers of complexity on top of each other (rubbing against/dimes/numbers).. each individual concept by itself would be pretty weak by themselves, but when brought together in a single blow the pieces mechanically come together voltron-style. solid concept and wording.

--> food for thought: i appreciate why the setup is what it is, in terms of 'heads up i know lotto is played to death', obviously a tactic used by a lot of semi- to pretty seasoned vets --- but while a detailed piece of advice, consider how you might be able to drive that same point home in the setup while delivering it in a way that comes off as something more than just the "hey, yea, fellas, i know this shits played in general - but i'm about to do it anyway".... Subjectively, it just always seems like a cop out (and trust, i have done it many times as well lol), but more objectively, it actually takes away some of the impact of the ultimate punch... it gets the reader 'prepared for a specific concept that's been flipped a lot'....

your concept was fresh enough, which is why i assume you used it, that you didn't have to worry about it coming off as played.... but even a small tweak to the line can make it come off more like a meaningful part of your story, and the punch as a whole --- even if you left the disclaimer verbatim ('lotto play coming here') and just used the back-half of the setup to either (1) 'add a bit of flare' to keep the setup feeling more than just the disclaimer or (2) started to conceptually build :into the punch more directly to give it that much ammo.

For example - instead of just prefacing the punch with "sick of lotto jokes, but fuck it heres a back shot"
(1) Flair example: "lotto jokes aint worth tapping into; but i just hit the fucking jackpot:"
(just adds some simple swag in terms of "hey, imma say this cuz it's ill enough to be heard" rather than "hey, fuck it, imma give it a try" -- while also being conceptually relevant to the theme of bar)

(2) Build example: "His name might be played, but he's no player; Lotto's game is THAT soft..."
(again, nothing fancy, and might seem really insignificant to some, but by simply tweaking your setup with this angle, you no longer 'take away' from the punch by being like 'fuck it, imma try a played out flip and see if it works' --- and actually enhance it by (a) covering your point (hey, i know its played), and (b) building the idea of lotto being played but he has no game himself -- which sets the stage really well for the 'try so hard to rub against dimes for numbers / scratch off' punch


I know that was a lot there bro, but i try to use my feedback to focus on depth in one thing vs. breadth across all things, since it often resonates more or at least gives the writer something to think about from one persons vantage point...

And again - this was a strong punch, i dug it, that's why i built off of it the way i did, so hope it helps to some degree, or that i didnt waste my (and potentially your) time brotha haha

again - tight punch.... the Bloody Smirk concept was solid, and actually could have been pretty dope, but just was delivered a bit too simplistically... I liked the imagery and certainly the reference though... Perhaps something even as simple as changing the way you mentioned heath ledger/joker --- to make it a little more interesting/dramatic than just a statement-esque similie...

even heath ledgers makeup artist'll think ya a joker & wonder how ya got that bloody smirk


Lotto: key quotable

u blow mods, cuz ya so soft n ya arsenal lines are fake
If jim cockinanine,hes been lucky in finally asking sharp out on a date

DAMMIT! i think this is close to something really solid, yet just doesnt quite hit... Like the wordplay had some real legs but didn't have the foundation to stand on...

You did a great job bringing one angle of the wordplay to life --- and even expanded on it so it had a couple different meanings (in terms of the allusion to guns in the setup, cock a nine... or dicking sharp... cock a nine).... but where it needed better conceptual build up, which often isn't the case actually, is in the name itself!

I did not get who that was at first, but that could just be me... That's not the problem really though, the key area of opportunity was in "how you deliver THAT angle of the wordplay".

The way it is there would be similar to me saying to you "IF LOTTO SMIRK, ITS CUZ HE PUT HIS MONEY WHERE HIS MOUTH HIS".... so in one way, okay, Lotto/Money Mouth/Smirk works out... But "Lotto Smirk" as a whole is a noun, so it just doesnt sound right...

This is the idea people bring up sometimes re: "wordplay needs to work both ways".. It can be easily alleviated - sometimes less is more. If you brought up the actual individual.....

theres no kind of safe gun; when it comes guys dying, its too late to be saved son,
everytime i see him, i think of Jim cockinanine... cuz he's ridden Sharp since day one

I don't know, something like that, personally, would have been more clear to me and brought the individual into context better while certainly doing it in a way you can read the wordplay 'both ways' "i think of Jim cockin a nine, or think of the person himself"....


Still REAL cool concept here.... your # 2 was probably the SLIM chance you coulda pulled something off between the Jim/Slim/Jerk concept.... but they seem like obvious plays and woulda had to come together really tight to be effective... almost kinda like how Jim was able to pull alot of the Lotto things together to get the rubbin up on dimes for the #s line to make it work... overall, the verse seemed a bit rushed based on some of the things i seen lately, but -- that cockinanine coulda had potential to be reaaaal ILL imo, but because of the "if jim coc..." wording, it just came out "cool"...

------------------

Vote- Jim got this one pretty clearly to me this time around... mainly because his Lotto play was the LOTB... and though Lotto's opener was pretty cool and had potential, the wording hindered it.. I also thought Jim's #2 punch was a bit better than Lotto's #2 one... just seemed to have a bit tighter wording... but i do think lotto's been improving a shit load there in recent weeks, based on what i've seen at least.


keep rollin fellas

pc

[Bender]

thanks for a constructive vote... I've been out of the text game for a long time and an trying to get used to it again. I honestly thought the scratch off punch was weak when I was writing it and almost took it out.. glad I didn't ..

[Lotto Smirk]

word thanks for the votes n the breakdown namix

[CtrlF4]

Jim had

Bloody smirk, month or 2, scratch off


Vs


Lotto had

Cockinanine

V/jim...i thought Jim was decent lotto was ok had a couple close ones but they missed he usually comes nicer.

[Destroyer]

I got Jim here
some of them were decent, I dig the joker one and the dimes one
lotto had cockinanine which is obv played somewhat but it was still funny
but vote goes to him ultimately