smoke and mirror

Adonis · 10-05-2013, 10:05 AM

*is a no show verse from league. Not happy it was wasted. But leave a link I'll return favor*

~Smoke and Mirror~

Music drowned by laughter,
Heathen ***kles in Satan's playground and pasture,
Vibrant hues covering such natural beauty,
A birds eye view as I sit... sipping and drooling,
This coffee is costly; Wedding band in a pocket,
I'm a man and honest, missing happiness in logic,
Faithful to a fault, married awfully young,
Missed the chance to slum, I sit; Gawking for fun,
Same age as my seeds, still fantasize of planting in one,
A garden trimmed as her sweat, glares in the sun,
I'm wrong and admit; but I'm seasoned with bliss,
A walking dream so serene emitting Tantric secrets,
Time stands still... As the door swings agape,
Red heels shake earth, with every step she takes,
Never ending stockings, with the legs to match,
Haven't seen her face, but I know, she's an ageless catch,
A red dress slit, elegantly, for viewing pleasure,
Showing enough skin to be surprised, when she removes it later,
A pair of hips that are, doomed for labor,
Although I can't see her ass, I presume it's flavor,
A bubble incomparable, beside her cleavage shown,
Not quite a peep show, because, she keeps her secret's home,
Dainty and graceful, revealing enough to be tasteful,
Including the lack of cosmetics to conceal the look of an angel.
Closer she creeps; captivating my stare for weeks,
As God's breath brushes her silky hair from cheeks,
Hazel eyes capture mine, with the whitest smirk,
It's time I meet my maker...God's creator; concealed by red skirt.

~Twenty Feet Away~

I'm prepared now, I'll willingly toss aside my past,
My wife was a catch, but I deserve the best this world can hash,
The kids grown, so it's not like I'll struggle financially,
No child support for adults, they're over the pampering,
I'm sure what we're doing's wrong, but when a connection's so strong,
You learn to let the soothing music simply string you along,

~Five Feet Away~

With your permission, my first words will simply be: “Marry Me”,
As your locked eyes grant request I stand carelessly,
The moment of truth, as soon as I get my first whiff of perfume,
She passes me...And greets a different loser, who sits in this room.

Just Write · 10-05-2013, 10:50 AM

very descriptive piece man, too bad it got no showed. mine did too, although you predicted I was gunna no show you faggot lol jkjk but for real this was a solid effort man

I'm wrong and admit; but I'm seasoned with bliss,
A walking dream so serene emitting Tantric secrets,
Time stands still... As the door swings agape,
Red heels shake earth, with every step she takes,
Never ending stockings, with the legs to match,
Haven't seen her face, but I know, she's an ageless catch,
A red dress slit, elegantly, for viewing pleasure,
Showing enough skin to be surprised, when she removes it later,
A pair of hips that are, doomed for labor,
Although I can't see her ass, I presume it's flavor,

super vivid righthere, puts a sorta scarlet johhanson thought in my head, chuckles at the last line too.

I'm prepared now, I'll willingly toss aside my past,
My wife was a catch, but I deserve the best this world can hash,
The kids grown, so it's not like I'll struggle financially,
No child support for adults, they're over the pampering,
I'm sure what we're doing's wrong, but when a connection's so strong,
You learn to let the soothing music simply string you along,

this has got to be my favorite part, flow, cadence.. simply effortless and the message is way more powerful than the 6 lines they're in. can't say it enough, this part really stood out to me

overall this was a very poetic piece. one of those pieces that, I don't know how to word this.. seems to just float and is full of light when you read it, ionno. dope stuff though, like I said before it's a shame it was no showed. stay in for next week though man. talented writer, peace

if you don't mind, I got no-showed too
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=22871

Adonis · 10-05-2013, 04:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Just Write

very descriptive piece man, too bad it got no showed. mine did too, although you predicted I was gunna no show you faggot lol jkjk but for real this was a solid effort man

I'm wrong and admit; but I'm seasoned with bliss,
A walking dream so serene emitting Tantric secrets,
Time stands still... As the door swings agape,
Red heels shake earth, with every step she takes,
Never ending stockings, with the legs to match,
Haven't seen her face, but I know, she's an ageless catch,
A red dress slit, elegantly, for viewing pleasure,
Showing enough skin to be surprised, when she removes it later,
A pair of hips that are, doomed for labor,
Although I can't see her ass, I presume it's flavor,

super vivid righthere, puts a sorta scarlet johhanson thought in my head, chuckles at the last line too.

I'm prepared now, I'll willingly toss aside my past,
My wife was a catch, but I deserve the best this world can hash,
The kids grown, so it's not like I'll struggle financially,
No child support for adults, they're over the pampering,
I'm sure what we're doing's wrong, but when a connection's so strong,
You learn to let the soothing music simply string you along,

this has got to be my favorite part, flow, cadence.. simply effortless and the message is way more powerful than the 6 lines they're in. can't say it enough, this part really stood out to me

overall this was a very poetic piece. one of those pieces that, I don't know how to word this.. seems to just float and is full of light when you read it, ionno. dope stuff though, like I said before it's a shame it was no showed. stay in for next week though man. talented writer, peace

if you don't mind, I got no-showed too
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=22871

I'll get you back later today or tomorrow

Only sigining out for one week, I have class in LA so they put me in a hotel and I work stupid hours so I can't write this week. be back week 4, much appreciated because you seemed to enjoy the flow, to me I see that as a high, very high complement because as you know I believe you have one of the better flows around

Just Write · 10-05-2013, 06:17 PM

LA as in Los angeles?

Adonis · 10-07-2013, 08:25 AM

Chea. Woke up @ 3am to drive to my class and be here by 6am, althogh it was zero trafffic so I 'm an hour early. Be here stuck in a hotel til Friday like a boss. Just quit drinking so unsure what to do, what do normal people do?

beegee · 10-08-2013, 03:14 PM

This coffee is costly; Wedding band in a pocket,
I'm a man and honest, missing happiness in logic,

raw.

You went hard in some places with great detail
I felt some vocab was forced here and there.
But this piece definitely had a solid flow and great creativity
pretty cool breakdown at the end too.

Eŋg · 10-08-2013, 09:35 PM

in fairness, i like tropicals when they're done like this. you opened with a respectful, reflective tone, and when that focus shifted, you displayed your attention to detail with aplomb. very good handle on language, generally: your shit reads smoothly and has a good cadence, to boot. love that you used the term God's Breath -- inspirae. you change the angle of the lens, so to speak, twice after that.

hmm

touch unsure if the three segments were different people, or all parts of a whole. might have missed something there, i concede, should re-read but i'm a dick. liked the writing though: you're skilled.

http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=14924

this is me.

Darth Yoda · 10-08-2013, 09:38 PM

"
With your permission, my first words will simply be: “Marry Me”,
As your locked eyes grant request I stand carelessly,
The moment of truth, as soon as I get my first whiff of perfume,
She passes me...And greets a different loser, who sits in this room. "

I like the broken up syllables not so internally. Also the repetitive rhyme structure within stanzas helped keep the reader on track.

I suggest performing a bit more forward rather than have the stanza ending speak for the entire predicate/subject. It makes it that much more alluring.

10-05-2013, 10:05 AM	#1
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946449	smoke and mirror *is a no show verse from league. Not happy it was wasted. But leave a link I'll return favor* ~Smoke and Mirror~ Music drowned by laughter, Heathen **kles in Satan's playground and pasture, Vibrant hues covering such natural beauty, A birds eye view as I sit... sipping and drooling, This coffee is costly; Wedding band in a pocket, I'm a man and honest, missing happiness in logic, Faithful to a fault, married awfully young, Missed the chance to slum, I sit; Gawking for fun, Same age as my seeds, still fantasize of planting in one, A garden trimmed as her sweat, glares in the sun, I'm wrong and admit; but I'm seasoned with bliss, A walking dream so serene emitting Tantric secrets, Time stands still... As the door swings agape, Red heels shake earth, with every step she takes, Never ending stockings, with the legs to match, Haven't seen her face, but I know, she's an ageless catch, A red dress slit, elegantly, for viewing pleasure, Showing enough skin to be surprised, when she removes it later, A pair of hips that are, doomed for labor, Although I can't see her ass, I presume it's flavor, A bubble incomparable, beside her cleavage shown, Not quite a peep show, because, she keeps her secret's home, Dainty and graceful, revealing enough to be tasteful, Including the lack of cosmetics to conceal the look of an angel. Closer she creeps; captivating my stare for weeks, As God's breath brushes her silky hair from cheeks, Hazel eyes capture mine, with the whitest smirk, It's time I meet my maker...God's creator; concealed by red skirt. ~Twenty Feet Away~* I'm prepared now, I'll willingly toss aside my past, My wife was a catch, but I deserve the best this world can hash, The kids grown, so it's not like I'll struggle financially, No child support for adults, they're over the pampering, I'm sure what we're doing's wrong, but when a connection's so strong, You learn to let the soothing music simply string you along, ~Five Feet Away~ With your permission, my first words will simply be: “Marry Me”, As your locked eyes grant request I stand carelessly, The moment of truth, as soon as I get my first whiff of perfume, She passes me...And greets a different loser, who sits in this room. __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 10-05-2013 at 10:10 AM.

10-05-2013, 10:50 AM	#2
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	very descriptive piece man, too bad it got no showed. mine did too, although you predicted I was gunna no show you faggot lol jkjk but for real this was a solid effort man I'm wrong and admit; but I'm seasoned with bliss, A walking dream so serene emitting Tantric secrets, Time stands still... As the door swings agape, Red heels shake earth, with every step she takes, Never ending stockings, with the legs to match, Haven't seen her face, but I know, she's an ageless catch, A red dress slit, elegantly, for viewing pleasure, Showing enough skin to be surprised, when she removes it later, A pair of hips that are, doomed for labor, Although I can't see her ass, I presume it's flavor, super vivid righthere, puts a sorta scarlet johhanson thought in my head, chuckles at the last line too. I'm prepared now, I'll willingly toss aside my past, My wife was a catch, but I deserve the best this world can hash, The kids grown, so it's not like I'll struggle financially, No child support for adults, they're over the pampering, I'm sure what we're doing's wrong, but when a connection's so strong, You learn to let the soothing music simply string you along, this has got to be my favorite part, flow, cadence.. simply effortless and the message is way more powerful than the 6 lines they're in. can't say it enough, this part really stood out to me overall this was a very poetic piece. one of those pieces that, I don't know how to word this.. seems to just float and is full of light when you read it, ionno. dope stuff though, like I said before it's a shame it was no showed. stay in for next week though man. talented writer, peace if you don't mind, I got no-showed too http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=22871 __________________ Last edited by Just Write; 10-05-2013 at 10:54 AM.

10-05-2013, 06:17 PM	#4
Just Write Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 1,709 Battle Record: 9-12 Rep Power: 4997617	LA as in Los angeles? __________________

10-07-2013, 08:25 AM	#5
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946449	Chea. Woke up @ 3am to drive to my class and be here by 6am, althogh it was zero trafffic so I 'm an hour early. Be here stuck in a hotel til Friday like a boss. Just quit drinking so unsure what to do, what do normal people do? __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR

10-08-2013, 03:14 PM	#6
beegee Member Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 32 Rep Power: 0	This coffee is costly; Wedding band in a pocket, I'm a man and honest, missing happiness in logic, raw. You went hard in some places with great detail I felt some vocab was forced here and there. But this piece definitely had a solid flow and great creativity pretty cool breakdown at the end too.

10-08-2013, 09:35 PM	#7
Eŋg rhyme capsule. Join Date: Sep 2018 Posts: 2,150 Rep Power: 0	in fairness, i like tropicals when they're done like this. you opened with a respectful, reflective tone, and when that focus shifted, you displayed your attention to detail with aplomb. very good handle on language, generally: your shit reads smoothly and has a good cadence, to boot. love that you used the term God's Breath -- inspirae. you change the angle of the lens, so to speak, twice after that. hmm touch unsure if the three segments were different people, or all parts of a whole. might have missed something there, i concede, should re-read but i'm a dick. liked the writing though: you're skilled. http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=14924 this is me.

10-08-2013, 09:38 PM	#8
Darth Yoda Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 408 Battle Record: 6-2 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF Rep Power: 20182439	" With your permission, my first words will simply be: “Marry Me”, As your locked eyes grant request I stand carelessly, The moment of truth, as soon as I get my first whiff of perfume, She passes me...And greets a different loser, who sits in this room. " I like the broken up syllables not so internally. Also the repetitive rhyme structure within stanzas helped keep the reader on track. I suggest performing a bit more forward rather than have the stanza ending speak for the entire predicate/subject. It makes it that much more alluring.