WEEK ELEVEN: ADVERSE (3-3) vs EVICTION (7-2) OPEN FOR VOTES ADVERSE WINS 4-2

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK ELEVEN

@Eviction

Verse Due: SUNDAY JUNE 26TH @ 11:59 PM

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:






GOOD LUCK

[Eviction]

Leave me alone...

A dissipating shadow, combined with a vice that has no end in sight.
It picks this hour for visitation’ confined in this life, where a foe dims the light
Because darkness is unhealthy, they’re making sure we don’t win the night.
The smoke affects breathing, but that’s not the reason I’ll choke in this fight,
Paths I can carefully choose, intercepted by irritability when I’m scared of the truth.
Who’s there for you, what looms in this spare room, it’s only fair to assume,
Why I’m prepared for inherited doom, while they dare you to stare at the moon.
I barely knew this “presence”, I had to air out the tomb, like “it’s” wearing perfume,
A fragrance from another world, a stench that haunts this room with a rustic look.
Enough blood to flood the nook, a bond shared, that’s almost like brotherhood,
I consider darkness family, and it’s insurmountable, what the reaper undertook.
I guess you can say I’m up to no good, Mr nice guy would let the devil off the hook.
I tried to be elusive, when there’s no truth, I thought deception would do the trick.
But Satin’s idea of what’s punitive’s lucrative, to the man behind the pseudonym.
I’m comfortable amid the fugitives tutelage, how can I lose grip when I’m used to it.
You outlive your usefulness when the shadow gets so close that it can be a crucifix.
I have to widen the search, dying of thirst for my true desire, the pathological horror.
Astronomical torture, that’s what you require, a list of quagmires in chronological order,
Tied in an awful corner, lost supporters because they think I’m a diabolical hoarder.
Fast forward, after the formula was mixed, a nixed war, the time in hospitals; lawyers.
Memories slip away, then return tenfold’ the judges and the devil took home an even split,
Adding low pressure to my weaknesses, even if they had to roll stretchers in secretive.
Bodied, imagining these grievances, I thought tranquility was immediate if I plead the fifth.
Summon the greed within when I need a fix until memories are just a fleeting glimpse.

You might’ve guessed what lies ahead, a hallway with a trail of blood and spiderwebs,
Dreadful tales of love, like a flight of steps when you’re fat as fuck and fight for breath,

“Okay go ahead, try your best”

Good health will put your mind at rest, so put the cigarette down and sign the check.
You’ll wake up on the wrong side of the bed, diagnosed with an irreversible side effect,
Selfishness kicks in again, the shadow is my slave and it let the bottle get dry as a bone.
A microdose hits like a knife to the throat, and the result of me being sober is a sight to behold.
A slave is a vital role’ and a lot of work, the vices would have to kill me, to lighten the load
Because bar talk only tightens the hold, like a sniper’s scope triggering survival mode
Toxins make the high last longer, so every opportunity to get clean is a bypassed offer.
Last call is only a whine glass altered, maybe that’s why the jury tries to typecast father’s
Everyone’s dirty, but the filth in this household will leave the entire night class slaughtered.
Is being grotesque a bad thing? I guarantee a heroin spoon is cleaner than my bathwater.
So think about the alternatives that existed for me, non required opinions only surface the lie.
Your judgment cuts like a surgeon’s knife, escalating situations when I’m perfectly fine.
Sometimes this world’s soft like a nursery rhyme, why are they fixated on my personal life?
Let me binge on these burgers and fries, because taking from me is worse than the vice.

[Adverse]

I’m all bone
Stripped of my humanity, hollow and brittle
All my regrets laid out like a table spread of holiday kibble
Ready to eat, bon appetite, the devil’s flicking the lighter
Smoke filling my lungs, like fattened lambs set to be slaughtered
So it’s come to this, for my sins is this my punishment?
I fumble the pen as I sit down at the desk and started writing ‘it goes something like this
My autobiography; unabridged

To bathe in decaying sun rays, the unfortunate terms of my birth
Thought I’d be here until the world ends or eternity begins, whichever came first
The one constant, my names synonymous with darkness
Ominous origins, no surprise they’ve deemed me as heartless
Predating consciousness, before the tree of knowledge bare any fruit
By the time God was conceived, I was already experiencing my terrible twos
I breathed Black Plague over provinces making all the villagers fret
The one force that can stop the wars, lay heroes and villains to rest
You’ve probably already guessed my name, but the big reveal ain’t I’m death
It’s that I’m afflicted, I’m dying and don’t know what’s killing me yet
It’s a warm flutter that dances through the cold carcass i inhabit
Traveling through my veins and would invade the heart, if I had it
I used to be absolute, but there’s one thing I didn’t have the answer for
Platinum blonde hair and ocean blue eyes, locked away inside the cancer ward
Maybe I got too close, smoldering in your smile, a moth in the inferno
Done terrible things
But for you I’d relinquish the title of “monster” that I’ve earned though
You make me want to be somebody else, shed all this evilness for you
Nature’s whispering a command I couldn’t bring myself to do
If you go against nature itself, you can’t run from the consequences
Once it corrects the course, the final destination is you as the offering
If a reaper dies, then what kind of creature could carry them home?
The irony, I was so busy taking lives that I forgot to cherish my own
This job got too heavy, imagine throwing away everything for a mortal, a finite being
I was a deity , a legend, my name thundered with a sinister ring
Did she love me back? Of course she did. I don’t regret what I did
It was worth every quiet night of holding her, and each phantom peck of the lips
So that’s it, I throw this curse to the wind, as I’m writing this
My replacement is in wait, as I sign my name, guess what his first assignment is?

Love Killed The Reaper

[NYCSPITZ]

Eviction had SOME good bars such as “ intercepted by irritability when I’m scared of the truth”. Nice succinct line. For the most part though, your lines clumsy, bulky and said too little in too much space, often repeating a concept twice in one line which is just pure amateur shit unless you’re going for some slick double entendre (you weren’t). Some lines were just pure nonsense filler (daring you to stare at the moon? Lol) or simply Badly executed/way too basic to have impact. Furthermore you have jarring instances of moving from first person to third person “I’m mr nice guy…blah blah” line which just are plain bad and confusing. Fugitives crucifix satans tutelage, that whole scene was dope and you actually had a nice close to that scheme with the shadow line - then you follow it up with some utterly wack shit “quagmires in chronological order” - what? Bad grammar (stretchers in secretive) that doesn’t even belong in middle school. Rest of the verse is more of the same. So it’s about a fat guy who kills himself slowly by eating burgers? Lol…nice, man. Overall this verse has like 3 good sections of lines, is inconsistent, basic, has bad grammar and ok flow. It’s below average in an era of below average topical leagues (maybe not if Frank dead man dom adverse etc stay in & we get Lars/universe or something for playoffs)

Adverse : ok, adverse just had a stronger grasp on mechanics, delivery, Pretty much everything except flow (which let’s be honest is the easy part even though it’s such an important component of hip hop/manpoetry). Enough scheme & thematic switches to keep you engaged throughout…whole opening part was dope. Now the autobiography…an anthropomorphic rendition of death using a skeletal writer as his hierophany, in a way, Pretty clever (if not TOO deep) but delivered in a way open to myriad interpretation. Ok nvm so it’s his lover and he dies for crossing the taboo boundary between human & diety. Very Aristophanes, very Greek tragedy. Dope verse, man.

Vote - easily adverse

[Mike Wrecka]

I actually liked both verses. I read Evictions verses in a modern country pop song cadence like the horrible shit he posts all the time and they actually work better like that.

Eviction- after a second reading and twanging it out in my head I was able to catch the flow. Nothing outstanding but it works. Good vocab. But idk you are so vague. I have a hard time connecting with the narrative. I think if you initially would establish the setting/story and then go about unfolding it, it would be a more enjoyable read for me. I find myself half way through your pieces saying wtf is going on. Which leaves me not invested with the character and takes away any emotion. Like I said I enjoyed it for some of flowery descriptive phrases but that’s about it

Adverse - excellent take on the topic. Grim reaper writing a note about dying and being killed by love. Awesome.

“I breathed Black Plague over provinces making all the villagers fret
The one force that can stop the wars, lay heroes and villains to rest“

Enjoyed this line. Really like the villagers and villains wordplay.


Overall- eviction needs to improve his storytelling. His mechanics are fine imo. But set the setting bro. Adverse takes this for a better take on the topic and for writing a complete narrative with a beginning , middle and end.

Vote - Adverse

[Candy]

evict:

man the flow on this was bonkers the the story itself was really deep and emtional and the the overall feel of the world you built was untouchabe.. still though the strongest part was the vocab/rhyme structure it was soo fluint it flowed through and through but it was like some lines were endless and or didnt have the rhyme in it then pop even though where following the flow the rhymes were so subtle that they were almost silent.. great work..

ad:

i loved how its a story about the renaming of death to the reaper.. um the first stanza like 10 lines maybe even nearing the 20 mark were just hitting it wasnt all flow based it was equal value of story and rhyme.. it progressed at an amazing rate and just in general it was a cool story to follow along with and enjoy itself.. pretty cool piece i loved the take on the topic to the whole ordeal about the cancer ward and really just the depiction of the dude with the smoke was cool..

vote = adverse

just an all round smoother piece and a world that was more flushed out though close.. gl guys

[Frank]

Bar for bar, pound for pound: I have to swing my vote to Eviction here for the higher level of lyricism and the more enthralling verse... Evictions writing, as Adverse has put it plenty of times: referring to it as, "Gut Wrenching" and "In His Feelings" is actually an accurate description of the way Eviction writes. In this piece, particularly, his introspection and self reflection is admirable: When you consider how therapeutic it must be— to simply vent frustrations of the week in just a constructive manner, as so. There is something to be said about being "Unshakeable". A lot of Textcee's cannot strike a balance between trolling and battling. @sral is a prime example of somebody who can talk a lot of shit, and then, drop a gem. Eviction has that same Unphaseable Trait going for him. To simply be un phased by Trolling, and instead, just flat-out internalize it and externalize it is really commendable: because "Trolling" can have the exact opposite effect, too, if you may or may not have noticed. ( @NYCSPITZ ) And what the hell is @Mike Wrecka talking about "Imaging A Southern Twang In My Head" to catch the flow?" Dude, Eviction doesn't even slant. (BTW MIKE, BOTW, GL) I'm not really sure why Mike has to use a "Stretch of his imagination" to make the flow work for him. Struck me as very bias criticism. If Eviction doesn't mention his roots, Would @Mike Wrecka really have came to that asinine conclusion? Without knowing dude is a Hilly Billy or W/E? I don't know. But, I felt when Eviction said "I consider darkness family..." Because it is THAT Self-Depreciating Aspect of Evictions writing that actually raises his value and makes him a force to be reckoned with. I interpreted Adverse's interpretation of the topic as an Ode to his Moderating Duties. When Adverse mentioned "Does she love me back..." I took that as his personification of "The Leagues" non-appreciation. When I read it from my angle: I can ignore the technical difficulties of this verse and just appreciate the portrayal. "Villagers fret to Killing me Yet" was sinister, yes, but there was a little blip in the middle when you wrote "Ain't" instead of "Isn't" - which would've been an Iller connect. The attention; or lack there of, you paid to the actual Rhyming; was more polarizing, in comparison, because your opponent was superior in that regard. In a perfect world, catering to both the Rhyme AND Reason should be the criteria of a true vet.

Just cannot imagine the load Adverse must be under, Honestly: Having to write the magazine and the verse, week in and week out— It's commendable. I can relate, because I did that when I ran the league.(why I'm always on you about it.) What you will come to notice soon is... writing the magazine (and especially voting thoughtfully) can actually be helpful, because it helps to keep you in the habit of writing, period.

MVGT: Eviction Out-Wrote Adverse, both literally and, figuratively

[brokenhal0]

Mvgt - Eviction

Adverse if your opening 6 bars where delivered sharper as the rest of the plot developed
I think this would have been a closer battle imo
example:

I’m all bone
Stripped of my humanity, hollow and brittle
All my regrets laid out like a table spread of holiday kibble
Ready to eat, bon appetite, the devil’s flicking the lighter
Smoke filling my lungs, like fattened lambs set to be slaughtered

lighter and slaughtered while making sense metaphorically did not rhyme
which through me off a bit those lines lost any momentum you built as a opener imo but you picked it back up and i thought the rest of the verse was on point you had a intricate rhyme structure going which I enjoyed but overall evictions consistent building of visceral impactful verbiage and slick internals gave him the W

[Universe]

First of all... Fuck. Read both verses back to back and I have no idea who won. Eviction came with the superior technical skill and ability (no real grammar issues, btw) but his story suffered for it. Adverse, on the other hand, does what he does best and connects to the reader like no one else can on an emotional level, yet his technical flaws sometimes were shining through and not hidden in the darkness, like when he is at his best. So this is a tough one for me... But I'll re-read them again and see if I can determine a clear winner.

Eviction

As I said, you won the technical aspects fairly easily. You can be hit and miss with your bars but man when you're firing on all cylinders there's some super impressive stuff to be found. I struggled to really get a grasp of your story though and, although I enjoy the metaphorical hands-off narrative approach at times, this had way too many loose connections for me to give you credit for the subtle ones. I think when you connect with story beats its mostly by fluke and you just sort of roll with it and continue to evolve your story on the go. I think what you end up posting should actually just be your first draft... Start entirely again after writing it, with a direction starting to formulate, and see what you can do. This will allow you to drop more useful breadcrumbs for the reader and also tighten up your bars and solidify your narratives. Just a suggestion because you're right there... and even as a former champ you could reign for awhile if you brought it all together.

Highlights:

"I tried to be elusive, when there’s no truth, I thought deception would do the trick.
But Satin’s idea of what’s punitive’s lucrative, to the man behind the pseudonym.
I’m comfortable amid the fugitives tutelage, how can I lose grip when I’m used to it.
You outlive your usefulness when the shadow gets so close that it can be a crucifix"

Could've tightened up the flow with fewer syllables at the end there but this was nice.

"You might’ve guessed what lies ahead, a hallway with a trail of blood and spiderwebs,
Dreadful tales of love, like a flight of steps when you’re fat as fuck and fight for breath,

“Okay go ahead, try your best”

Good health will put your mind at rest, so put the cigarette down and sign the check.
You’ll wake up on the wrong side of the bed, diagnosed with an irreversible side effect,"

Dope.


Adverse:

You're literally like the polar opposite of Eviction. You can tell an emotionally charged narrative like few others and you have the ability, at any moment, to hit us with a line that makes us stop and go, "Whoa..." There's a depth to you that not many have or could ever hope to reach and it's a beautiful thing to read your work. What holds you back from greatness is your technical shortcomings mostly. You still have some awkward multi's and forced lines and sometimes your flow is suddenly long-winded for no reason, creating a jarring juxtaposition for the reader. You say all the important stuff... all the things that need to be said in your piece to get us towards the destination you want us to end up at... but sometimes you don't deliver it properly. For me, this is an easy fix and just requires more time spent proofreading your work and, perhaps most Importantly, experimenting with other options of HOW to deliver an idea, specifically what exact wording to use. When you get a great concept, write it three different ways... You'll be surprised what you find... you may actually find a way to fit that great idea into an already existing rhyme scheme, thus strengething its impact.

Highlights:

"So it’s come to this, for my sins is this my punishment?
I fumble the pen as I sit down at the desk and started writing ‘it goes something like this
My autobiography; unabridged"

Awkward, sure... but a cool intro.

"I breathed Black Plague over provinces making all the villagers fret
The one force that can stop the wars, lay heroes and villains to rest
You’ve probably already guessed my name, but the big reveal ain’t I’m death
It’s that I’m afflicted, I’m dying and don’t know what’s killing me yet
It’s a warm flutter that dances through the cold carcass i inhabit
Traveling through my veins and would invade the heart, if I had it"

Some better options exist for how to deliver these great lines, but even still... awesome section here.

"If a reaper dies, then what kind of creature could carry them home?
The irony, I was so busy taking lives that I forgot to cherish my own"

Line of the battle right here.

Alright, two read-throughs with breakdowns and I'm still unsure who won. I actually like both verses for entirely different reasons and it's tough to choose one over the other because it's either story with scattered technical ability or technical ability with a scattered story. What do you choose?

In the end I've always sided with a stronger story so I'll continue that trend here. If there was ever a place for a REAL tie, this would be it. But no one wants those... right?

Vote: Adverse by a decimal point.