WEEK SIX: NYCSPITZ (1-0) vs OBJECTIVE (2-3) NYC WINS 3-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK SIX, HALFWAY POINT
@Objective @NYCSPITZ

Verse Due: FRIDAY MAY 6TH @ 11:59PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

This week’s topics are keywords selected from a randomized generator.

Topic:
Memorandum



GOOD LUCK

[NYCSPITZ]

The Zion corporation used code to hide its plan of imminent madness
Luring poverty stricken nations into a loop of infinite taxes
The missive reached senator Herschel surreptitiously at cafe de la paix
he didn’t know how the memorandum would affect him and the fate of his way…
Herschel was an oil man with gun collections & reverence for American values
meeting his old pal senator Smith -
an environmentalist who felt these “values” rested in a perilous vacuum
Their wives enjoyed cigarettes on the patio. they sipped rum in a room
a weekly ritual since they met at hole One in the Dunes
a pause in banter. Smith’s smile slowly morphed to trepidation instead…
“You’re gonna want to see this, Herschel. Let’s make our way to the Head.”
He pulls out a string tie envelope, unwinds the knot & impatiently fidgets
Then reveals a bunch of papers entitled Zion Corp: Operation Olympus
its aim was to provide underdeveloped countries loans for elevating their lands
To keep up with technology, infrastructure & the millennium’s major demands
Reading between the lines, what Zion asked for in their genial & formal decree -
was Control over the local drug trade & natural resources…at exorbitant fees.
This extortion was hidden through language which was ordered to please the throne
& Officials were suckered into vile legerdemain they’d normally leave alone
As Smith wrapped up his synopsis, Hershel’s face flushed, feral & reddish
this disaster was a subversion of the founding Father’s American ethics
on the other side of the aisle, Smith’s face crashed with the blues
How can the planet & its ecosystems survive in the face of transnational goons?
They made a pact to honor their country’s virtues and abide by its might
& release the document on social media when the timing was right
they spoke of fighting propaganda, future lawsuits; had all of it planned out
…but at that very moment, a man snuck into the senator’s ranch house
Planting devices in Herschel’s rooms, rugs, and under the lights
Dressed in black, a covert op under the cover of night
Meanwhile others crept into Smith’s house without leaving a trace
Portable hard drives jingled in their pockets - they retreated with pace

……..

it was a public scandal when Herschel was killed with gore on his walls
An Instant death due to gas leaks…a rusty pipe that had been poorly installed
Only a week later Senator Smith passed from natural causes
A heart attack as he walked home through the woods, coming back from the office
Before their deaths, one of the senators sent a hard drive to the Washington Post
But Who exposed the devious racket? Nobody honestly knows…
Zion scrambled against the outrage with lies & nefarious lingo
But rest assured - the company’s current disintegration & precarious limbo -
Were caused by one Republican and a democrat…steadfast American kinfolk

[Objective]

When I woke up this morning,
and started walking to brush my teeth
(kinda awake, kinda not)
while looking like something God forgot,
I found a note underneath my bathroom mirror.
Should have taken it as a forewarning not caring who came to deliver.

The envelope says:
"Did you read the memo?"
And it's signed by Existence.

Damn, life know 'bout persistence...
But why would the source of my prison
care if I listen?

So...
Besides survive,
what else resides inside?
In my mind I try finding a purpose.
No luck or perserverance
when stuck grinding this circus
minding my surface appearance
to not seem nervous to peers,
or my parents.
With women all I need is a clearance,
and a hearts furnace to spare certain merits.
Knowing that's past what you can ask of a person
I still want that ass, no other masterful version.
Even here I fear urges to care.
Plus, self love is best served with a beer.
Thus,
I move to the hallway more concerned with my hair
than if end of times turn to be near, like always.
Hunched over and bent to time, now curbed to the stairs,
I start pouring whiskey (the only friend of mine),
noticing the grim label, like: "This art's great from the dimmed table light".
My burden is clear
that I'm soon facing no work for a year.
And I'm getting frisky while my heartrate begin exploring risky.

It didn't take long for death to knock on my door,
when neighbors found me there was an unopened note on the floor:

"You care too much. All you need is to breathe, then feel the breeze of empathy's crutch cus entropy's touch is nothing but painting on dust and expecting the image perfected to last. All you do is project, don't reflect on your past. It's not something you must. Believe me, eternity sucks."

[Dominate]

NYC,
This was dope. A really entertaining story. Great vocab, great flow. Rhymes weren't a flex but they weren't lacking either, and they mostly come off sounding very natural, like your story just happens to rhyme rather than that you've had to word it so that it does. I'm unsure if the story is inspired by real events or if your characters and Zion corp are metaphors for something and I'm too much of an ignoramus to pick up on it, or if it's just some creative story telling, but either way it's impressive. Favourite sections:

Their wives enjoyed cigarettes on the patio. they sipped rum in a room
a weekly ritual since they met at hole One in the Dunes

As Smith wrapped up his synopsis, Hershel’s face flushed, feral & reddish
this disaster was a subversion of the founding Father’s American ethics
on the other side of the aisle, Smith’s face crashed with the blues
How can the planet & its ecosystems survive in the face of transnational goons?

Zion scrambled against the outrage with lies & nefarious lingo
But rest assured - the company’s current disintegration & precarious limbo -
Were caused by one Republican and a democrat…steadfast American kinfolk

Very solid showing my dude.


Objective,
A somewhat more abstract take here. A memo from "existence", interesting. But I think the idea didn't really give you enough to work with, enough to say. There were some interesting and well written lines, but I wanted a bit more depth and detail to your character while at the same time feeling like that would have taken away from your central idea if you had. Still, there was a lot I did like,

Besides survive,
what else resides inside?
In my mind I try finding a purpose.

was a highlight. A great description for a feeling of emptiness. And I liked your rhyme schemes this week. They're different to what people typically write in these leagues but they work and give your verse a unique quality. I thought you were better last week but this piece was cool too.


Voting for NYC

[Master Rock]

How do I put this. The subject matter at hand was something that I did not expect on their verses. The weirdest thing is that there was some quite similarities on both of their perspectives. I'm guessing that's why objective stated that he didn't read nyc's verse. Now I could tell you NYC had more color in his verse the rhyme schemes or more complex and the vocab added a lot of flare regarding to the vibrance of the sentences. On the other hand objective this was a verse unlike anything I've ever read from you. It seemed very slimmed down and a little more plain than your usual verses. Both verses were cool but I would have to give it to NYC simply based off of vibrance.

[brokenhal0]

Vote - NYCSPITZ

A much more developed and constructed verse the characters engaging
with the reader lil flashes of dark humor the precise imagery it shows effort with out trying imo that's the mark of a good written.