lego builder

brokenhal0 · 07-25-2015, 05:21 AM

lego builder blocks of plastic gravel dweller
toxic microwaveable boxed acapella basement doors shut

lock the gate i lay like a lion in the plains resting
cemetery plots fall while i watch the lake etch a sketching

slate fish scales lead my sails gray coast
i obey hope talkin to space ghost outer body

im right here tho in high quality they all wanna listen
a savior to save im on a mission beyond the cradles and graves

not to change you remain true dont be a slave to the elements
that made you for two opposites folding molding the strings

imposing thoughts like a higher beam but homey i role
with a higher team love in cold places fold laces

girls with shiny braces smile they know im courageous
and old sages scry in the mirror my verses wise serpent

cunning beast...we live for the zone moment never spread disease
high hopes its a sly hoax why cope when i can complain why sulk

if i soak all the water before it hits the drain i cant float cause
i freeze when i hit the plane steam rise in the mist of fame

can you call it or create it balance in the waves with talents
were ingrained with amazing mets place your bets theres monsters
watching and they wanna take whats left.....

Pharaohs Army · 08-05-2015, 09:48 PM

you pack a lot of rhymes in and i like it.

this is probably fine for you to look@

possibly tough though for other readerz

personally i think you should experiment with capital letters or something-- to show where you particularly want "emphasis"...
but i am in the minority with that kind of thinking
like not with every single rhyme, but with the "start of a string", or the first 2 of a string

high hopes its a sly hoax why cope when i can complain why sulk

High Hopes it's a Sly Hoax why cope when i can complain why sulk
just an idea

K Panda · 08-07-2015, 10:29 AM

1st and foremost, consider your audience. Im sure you can rhyme, but making sense to the people youre speaking to is important too. picture a battle whre a dude raps liek a dictionary, and the other like a standard comedian. Both rhyme, but the comedian will use easier imagery and punchlines, to assure the delivery doesnt go over the audiences head. The rapping dictionary, might not consider that as much and is more likely to call the audience idots for not understanding.

Some parts also dont rhyme very well, reads more like poetry or spoken word:

Im right here tho in high quality they all wanna listen
a savior to save im on a mission beyond the cradles and graves

your introduction of "graves" as a primary rhyme is rather rough.

Dont get me wrong, you're good, just giving feedback to help, no use in dickriding.

07-25-2015, 05:21 AM	#1
brokenhal0 Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2013 Posts: 523 Battle Record: 12-12=4 Champed - AOWL Season IX Rep Power: 3891097	lego builder lego builder blocks of plastic gravel dweller toxic microwaveable boxed acapella basement doors shut lock the gate i lay like a lion in the plains resting cemetery plots fall while i watch the lake etch a sketching slate fish scales lead my sails gray coast i obey hope talkin to space ghost outer body im right here tho in high quality they all wanna listen a savior to save im on a mission beyond the cradles and graves not to change you remain true dont be a slave to the elements that made you for two opposites folding molding the strings imposing thoughts like a higher beam but homey i role with a higher team love in cold places fold laces girls with shiny braces smile they know im courageous and old sages scry in the mirror my verses wise serpent cunning beast...we live for the zone moment never spread disease high hopes its a sly hoax why cope when i can complain why sulk if i soak all the water before it hits the drain i cant float cause i freeze when i hit the plane steam rise in the mist of fame can you call it or create it balance in the waves with talents were ingrained with amazing mets place your bets theres monsters watching and they wanna take whats left..... Last edited by brokenhal0; 07-26-2015 at 05:29 AM.

08-05-2015, 09:48 PM	#2
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	you pack a lot of rhymes in and i like it. this is probably fine for you to look@ possibly tough though for other readerz personally i think you should experiment with capital letters or something-- to show where you particularly want "emphasis"... but i am in the minority with that kind of thinking like not with every single rhyme, but with the "start of a string", or the first 2 of a string high hopes its a sly hoax why cope when i can complain why sulk High Hopes it's a Sly Hoax why cope when i can complain why sulk just an idea Last edited by Pharaohs Army; 08-05-2015 at 09:50 PM.

08-07-2015, 10:29 AM	#3
K Panda Member Join Date: Aug 2015 Posts: 46 Rep Power: 0	1st and foremost, consider your audience. Im sure you can rhyme, but making sense to the people youre speaking to is important too. picture a battle whre a dude raps liek a dictionary, and the other like a standard comedian. Both rhyme, but the comedian will use easier imagery and punchlines, to assure the delivery doesnt go over the audiences head. The rapping dictionary, might not consider that as much and is more likely to call the audience idots for not understanding. Some parts also dont rhyme very well, reads more like poetry or spoken word: Im right here tho in high quality they all wanna listen a savior to save im on a mission beyond the cradles and graves your introduction of "graves" as a primary rhyme is rather rough. Dont get me wrong, you're good, just giving feedback to help, no use in dickriding.