"Inner Daemon"

[Baron Mynd]

“Jesus Christ!”
Joe had exclaimed
with sheer surprise
wrote on his face.
His tone gave away
a hint of resentment
and total dismay
the instant she mentioned
to him she was pregnant.
It couldn’t be true!
They lived in abstention
where lust was rebuked
and stuck with it too.
So what had occurred?
The couple concluded
as one that the birth
was God and his work.
A gift from the skies
to honour and serve
his siblings alike.
Soon whispers were rife
of the child she adorned
and Kings would arrive
with a guide from the North.
The messiah was born
in a Barn-cum-Sty
to righteous applause
one starry night.
He started life
in humble surrounds
as far a cry
from the wonders we now
come to denounce
as you can imagine.
His avuncular grounding
was to his advantage
when pursuing his passion
and teaching disciples
numerous passages
that would lead to The Bible.
Believer's were vital
to establish his role
His key to survival
and Christianity's growth.
They travelled the globe
professing religion
recanting his scrolls
and spreading his wisdom.
Lead by his vision,
and aiming to please,
he dispensed them on missions
to purvey his beliefs.
Their Saviour would greet
vast crowds in swathes
regaling them each
about the great
powers he came into
but there was a secret
shrouding his reign
that Mary'd been keeping.
Her heir was a demon
with Jesus sent to Earth
not there to redeem them
but oversee the Devil's work.
An evil menace lurking
amongst the unsuspecting
deceitful in his purpose,
both cunning and deceptive.
The brother they'd accepted
was a sophism of Satan
governed by obsession
to stop them contemplating.
The 'Prophet' was a blatant fraud,
Man-made religion is hell,
Not so much a gift from God
as a deal with the Devil himself...

[Fig]

this was well written, it was just kinda boring. sry. what I found interesting though was how you centered the text, and how it actually helped with the comprehension. the structure also helped in that regard I suppose.

I guess I didnt enjoy the storytelling aspect of this. The ending was statementish.

[Frank]

I'm still killing them kid !

[Lars]

could i get a couple more before i let this one die?

[ill nik-A]

I like it, I see how u say u created it, very similar patterns in flow, this is a pretty challenging format, specially if story based as u did, I see u homie, the ability to be different and challenge urself isn't always rewarding but I guess as long as we know what we can do brings self gratification, aka fuck these niggaz, I write for me

Good stuff old friend

[Baron Mynd]

http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=182649&postcount=5

I tried it out in the AOWL back in October, bit of a different layout to the text but the same scheme/style with the:

A...B
A...B
B...C
B...C

I don't think everyone caught how technical it was what I was doing, there's a lot of poly-syllabic rhymers in there, so I tried this broken-down-bar style to maybe emphasise what I was doing?

but that's how the game goes sometimes, you need a league where the experienced writers outweighs the newer guys for them to fully appreciate what you're doing with it

just tryna step my own game up, I can carry a scheme for days but my old text verses simply couldn't be spat to a beat

now I've been recording, I've shortened my bars up a whole lot so that they can while still maintaining that technical difficulty

[Zen]

Originally Posted by Baron Mynd

http://netcees.co/showpost.php?p=182649&postcount=5

I tried it out in the AOWL back in October, bit of a different layout to the text but the same scheme/style with the:

A...B
A...B
B...C
B...C

I don't think everyone caught how technical it was what I was doing, there's a lot of poly-syllabic rhymers in there, so I tried this broken-down-bar style to maybe emphasise what I was doing?

but that's how the game goes sometimes, you need a league where the experienced writers outweighs the newer guys for them to fully appreciate what you're doing with it

just tryna step my own game up, I can carry a scheme for days but my old text verses simply couldn't be spat to a beat

now I've been recording, I've shortened my bars up a whole lot so that they can while still maintaining that technical difficulty

I'm trying to do the same thing now. What's good for rapping and what's good on here is two completely different things but they both easily to me I think.

Read this a few days ago and just haven't gotten around to dropping feed yet. This was definitely good. Like you said on the surface it appears simple but it is in fact complicated. Nice verse man. I realized the other day you're Brian Bryan and you wrote that McDonald farm verse haha. I'm slow on shit like that. But anyway this was dope. If you get a chance I'd appreciate feed on my om piece Loser. Keep dropping brother.

[Brian Bryan]

that old McDonald verse was FIYAH!!!!


I got you

[Plot]

I liked it, good read
Enjoyed the different structure.
I felt the concept was awesome, great idea.
I also felt the ending was kinda not set up enough, came to sudden
Awesome drop though,
Always be a writer I read.
The most stand out piece I've read from you was:
I think: A Girl deflowererd, cant remember the title.
It was about a serial rapist/killer killing a young girl
shit was chilling.

[Sinacog]

I thought this was a nice read, Baron Mynd.

I enjoyed the subtle christian under-tone you gave this piece. Was quite nice in it's way. The way you write; is really good for short-stories; and this was a nice way to showcase prose through poetry and rap. Nice one. I don't really see anything wrong with this piece. It was nice. I do think you should know. Jesus Christ wasn't a demon...he was a very prodigal...good man that could denounce demons...but he wasn't one himself..lol..but this was good...nice one..I enjoyed the ending..it had a nice touch it..overall..nice read..man..good work..keep writing!