A Daughter's Farewell...Part II.

Exis · 05-19-2018, 12:08 PM

Girl wanna stroll out of bounds though
Lucifer lusts she brings heat,
Like it's him on the down low
breakin' apart Earth's crust with his feats

She then says...

"You are nothin',
but a puppet with strings
Disruption is one thing
but you will never corrupt my beliefs"
As she exits the church
in such a hurry to leave,
Mind battles play onwards
Every devil is heard,
With an abundance of ease
Every sentence is worded like a troubled ass teen
Tryna get in touch with their so out of it parents whom are strugglin' to see
"I'm not copin' here mom, I really miss Dad...
Please let me be with these wrists that I've slit & reminisce over feelings less sad".

Current faggot · 05-19-2018, 12:18 PM

Perfect sequence to part one.
I really enjoyed both of these.

2tripple0 · 05-19-2018, 10:04 PM

Iokay i liked these lines the structure was a bit weird what with the abab rhyme scheme not kind of the standard om structure er whatever but the lines were good so it was a decent piece good for you...

Exis · 05-21-2018, 12:20 AM

Good looks y'all...

Twodrop · 05-21-2018, 01:39 AM

I liked this, 2trip lol... abab... not standard OM structure... gtfo...

I liked this Exis. Cool drop.

Exis · 05-21-2018, 04:59 AM

Thanks bro, & thanks for destroyin' me in the BAL lol...Kudos man.

Geno · 05-21-2018, 06:45 AM

Cool. And cheesy at times. The closer made.me cringe. For one it was waayyyyy toooo.wordy. for.2 its just so cliche.

The rest was good though. I understand ur style now a little better which makes ur work easier to read. Keep it up. Try to avoid the wordy bars. Think it would help tbh

Exis · 05-21-2018, 07:29 AM

Lol @ cheesy...

I get excited by words sometimes, try to fit so much shit in2 a bar...my bad.

Appreciate the feed @Genocide...I'm gettin' there, yeah?

Pharaohs Army · 06-08-2018, 08:03 PM

Sorry, but I seem to remember (a long time ago) reading a 16 from you where you had perfect cadence and the same scheme all 16 lines; so compared to that it's hard for me to think this Part I or Part II is anything great.

Girl wanna stroll out of bounds though
Lucifer lusts she brings heat,
Like it's him on the down low
breakin' apart Earth's crust with his feats

not feelin it bro. like i said i've set your own bar too high.

05-19-2018, 12:08 PM	#1
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	A Daughter's Farewell...Part II. Girl wanna stroll out of bounds though Lucifer lusts she brings heat, Like it's him on the down low breakin' apart Earth's crust with his feats She then says... "You are nothin', but a puppet with strings Disruption is one thing but you will never corrupt my beliefs" As she exits the church in such a hurry to leave, Mind battles play onwards Every devil is heard, With an abundance of ease Every sentence is worded like a troubled ass teen Tryna get in touch with their so out of it parents whom are strugglin' to see "I'm not copin' here mom, I really miss Dad... Please let me be with these wrists that I've slit & reminisce over feelings less sad". Last edited by Exis; 05-19-2018 at 12:12 PM.

05-19-2018, 10:04 PM	#3
2tripple0 death warmed over Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Downstairs illstreet dam Posts: 2,564 Battle Record: 6-21 Rep Power: 0	Iokay i liked these lines the structure was a bit weird what with the abab rhyme scheme not kind of the standard om structure er whatever but the lines were good so it was a decent piece good for you... __________________ https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/

05-21-2018, 06:45 AM	#7
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,354 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036761	Cool. And cheesy at times. The closer made.me cringe. For one it was waayyyyy toooo.wordy. for.2 its just so cliche. The rest was good though. I understand ur style now a little better which makes ur work easier to read. Keep it up. Try to avoid the wordy bars. Think it would help tbh __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

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05-19-2018, 12:18 PM	#2
Current faggot Senior Member Join Date: May 2018 Posts: 233 Rep Power: 0	Perfect sequence to part one. I really enjoyed both of these.

05-21-2018, 12:20 AM	#4
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Good looks y'all...

05-21-2018, 01:39 AM	#5
Twodrop Unknown Join Date: Mar 2018 Posts: 673 Battle Record: 2-2 Rep Power: 0	I liked this, 2trip lol... abab... not standard OM structure... gtfo... I liked this Exis. Cool drop.

05-21-2018, 04:59 AM	#6
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Thanks bro, & thanks for destroyin' me in the BAL lol...Kudos man.

05-21-2018, 07:29 AM	#8
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Lol @ cheesy... I get excited by words sometimes, try to fit so much shit in2 a bar...my bad. Appreciate the feed @Genocide...I'm gettin' there, yeah?

06-08-2018, 08:03 PM	#9
Pharaohs Army Banned Join Date: Aug 2014 Posts: 2,956 Battle Record: 6 - 14 Rep Power: 0	Sorry, but I seem to remember (a long time ago) reading a 16 from you where you had perfect cadence and the same scheme all 16 lines; so compared to that it's hard for me to think this Part I or Part II is anything great. Girl wanna stroll out of bounds though Lucifer lusts she brings heat, Like it's him on the down low breakin' apart Earth's crust with his feats not feelin it bro. like i said i've set your own bar too high.