Round One: Pinot Grij vs. Brokenhal0 [OPEN FOR VOTES]

[Adonis]

Winter Topical II: Round One


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due JAN. 11th
MONDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or MONDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM TUESDAY JAN. 12th Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!

Topic:





G/Luck @Pinot Grij @brokenhal0

[Pinot Grij]

Checking In.

[brokenhal0]

ride the celestial boat extraterrestrial smoke lunar glow battle your devils
they broke my stream waveless jason vorhees surfaced to read my pages
tulpas clog the mental encasement down the river a site ancient
piranhas in the lake bed like kids in the hood patients to pain with patience
native with there faces painted aura splash in the water smell the pine trees
sappy bark crickets chirp feral cats peep demons in the dark lightspeed
no flashlight or compass i follow a fallen star my mother was a fallen goddess
nonsensical in sensitive ways impressionable so ill fallback and not persuade
a lesson within the wave i went ashore after spending 40 days in duality planes
fanning the flame amazonian hydro weed ashes made of plutonium
death star far from resurrected set my sails to lands of souls descended
the sun never came up the moons reflecting my light from a tomb that i raised up
now we know of fallen measures paddle down the river of life
to a vast ocean floatin specters swamp thing gave me a thumbs up
riding a moldy vespa soaked in muddy waters a redman cherokee indian chief
crocodile head piece belizean coke tint told me go back home
the rivers filled with omens few make it and none were chosen
but i was hardheaded questioned god and realize this river was styx augmented
no time to reflect and look back kept paddling my canoe till the sun rose
and now the allegory of the cave didn't look black....

[Pinot Grij]

I’ll take the Intercontinental Belt back. Take it back to Parts Unknown. Load the spaceship with the rocket fuel. Then load it with the Warriors.”

- The Ultimate Warrior

Jared loves astronomy and professional wrestling
Two topics with no common ground, you’re probably guessing
With his telescope, he held out hope as he checked out the moon
That its celestial dunes were some kind of extraterrestrial ruins
Until that one night, he glimpsed within the moonlight’s glorious bask
Upon its rocky surface, there emerged the Ultimate Warrior’s mask!
Once the euphoria passed, he watched with a gleam in his eyes
Like a beam in the night, the mask whimsically careened through the skies
It was the Warrior ship! Jared thought, “Is this really happening?”
And like some astral dream, he was pulled in by its tractor beam
Through sliding doors he made his way to the ship’s command center
Then gasped, all the crew mates were his favorite dead wrestlers!
Macho Man, Eddie Guerrero, Owen Hart and Rick Rude
The British Bulldog, Mr. Perfect - now there was a slick dude!
There the Warrior said, “We never died, Jared, this was our destiny.
To protect Earth from subterranean aliens who are great at wrestling!
That’s why I had my vessel bring our sport’s most massive fan
To give you a front row seat to our huge event at Saturn Slam!”

Jared couldn’t believe his eyes - he swore never to blink
As he watched his former heroes all enter the ring
He saw Mr. Perfect grab his alien foe around its purple neck
And held it as it struggled to escape from the Perfect-plex
Macho Man defeated his opponent and after he pinned him
He put on his shiny cowboy hat and snapped into a Slim Jim
Ravishing Rick Rude faced a truly gruesome, heinous thing
But stole his girlfriend after he snapped him in the Rude Awakening
Then the Warrior took the ring in a 20-Man Battle Royale
And as the last man standing, he grabbed the mic with his patented growl
“I may be the champion, but I couldn’t win this match myself
I owe it all to Warrior Jared for reclaiming the Intergalactic Belt!”
Jared’s passion swelled, he couldn’t even fathom his fame
But he felt on top of the world as the superstars all chanted his name

It’s all a dream. Jared is a lonely boy clutching his only toy
An Ultimate Warrior action figure, his yard sale pride and joy
See, his brothers would beat him while his mom was at work
Those jerks took their anger from the divorce out on his self-worth
It was mean, his brothers put him in the Million Dollar Dream
But he wouldn’t fall asleep, they’d just hold it as he screamed
He’d think, “At school, when they pick teams nobody selects me.
I get beat up at every recess and nobody protects me.
Most nights when I go to sleep my stomach is empty.
If I died, I think everybody in the whole world would forget me.”
He held his Warrior toy and cried that night with hard sobs
His stupid brother had gotten angry and broke both of the arms off
So he looks upwards at the sky for shooting stars, he’s never seen one
And he dreams of escaping a world that will never let him be one

[Cimmerian]

Brokenhal0

Personal Interpretation: For me, this came as a stream of consciousness piece in which you described things that you either saw or felt from viewing the picture. There didn't appear to be a particular subject, theme, or emotion that you were trying to convey. Topically, you focused on dropping some rhymes related to the picture. The best comparison I can come up with is something from the old GFK/Raekwon days or Aesop Rock.

Praise: You rhymed quite a bit and you had some interesting phrasing. I thought your last four lines were the strongest. It's always good to finish strong.

Constructive criticism The stream of consciousness was unfiltered to the point where I had much difficulty understanding where you were going. If you read Ghostface's or Aesop's lyrics you can often see what they are trying to get at or at least appreciate the wordplay. I just ended up being a little lost.


Pinot Grij

Personal Interpretation: This is a linear story told in a poem format.

Praise: I liked the originality of the piece. I would never have thought to take that approach with the picture that was provided. You consistently rhymed. The story kept my attention.

Constructive criticism I felt that the third stanza could be construed as a trite twist. But it was effective in altering the emotions of the reader. Perhaps this is a stylistic preference, because other folks here write similarly to how you have, but sometimes I felt that flow is sacrificed for descriptive/storytelling purposes.


Overall: This was a difficult topic. I'm not sure what I would have written about had I received it. Ultimately, I felt that Pinot Grij's verses were more polished. So, I vote for Pinot Grij.

Cimm.

[Pent uP]

Brokenhal0 - "nonsensical in sensitive ways." Is probably the most resonating statement found in your verse. It aptly describes the verse itself, which is amusing. There was this barrage of imagery at the beginning that felt like an expert rhymer had sudden onset adhd. He would look at the pic write a statement, down at the pad and write a descriptive phrase. Then up at the picture, back down at paper and jot a new descriptove phrase about a differe t portion of the picture that seemed to expertly rhyme, accidentally. Then later this was some far out thinking and all in all i think you and wise ways would collab well. With that said, interesting take.

Pinot -- your ending surprised me and i dont know how to accept that because it wasnt much of a surprise. Im perplexed. That aside, judging from this verse - i maintain we could hang out and have a few beers together. Story was hilarious and accomplished more worked in cameos then the new star wars. Solid

Vote pinot

[NYCSPITZ]

halo I liked your joycean phrasing but it was too fragmented for my tastes. Some nice appetizers, but the entree was never served

pinot brought lulz and a linear storyline with a twist ending, liked the creativity with the moon wrestling and the fan and shit

v/ pinot

[Mr. J]

Halo. Its nice to see you spread your wings and step up to the competitive side of things.
your style is very fitting when it comes to rhyming and keeping a consistent flow making the piece easy to read
some lines could have been chopped out to make the topic fit into a more rounded concept though.
for me its hard to break your piece apart due to the the way its flowing together, I noticed one of the votes emphasize your stream of consciousness
and I think that may be the outlet that you were trying to persuade with this
I applaud your efforts here regardless

Pinot, your piece came as a surprise to me as I started & finished it
but I liked the way you approached the topic, not too many writers go off in a completely opposite direction & blend a story such as yours so well.
at first when I saw your topic I was like wtf but then powered through the whole thing
I really like the way you painted your picture & the antagonist of your story
it brought a different sense of...I dont know what to call it but it was quite good to say the least
my only issue was the command center/dead wrestlers line...that felt awkward regardless....good work

v/Pinot, I enjoy what Halo brings to the table but Pinot surprised me...
so i had to lean in his direction, Broken brought a decent rhyme collection..
but i feel like Pinot edged it with a complete story, therefore he has attained rd 2 glory

[UnbornBuddha]

Brokenhalo: The man who only posts random open mics. Some people are enthralled by your writing. I could see why, its very different. But, I can't say I am fond of your style, which is very jumbled in specificity. There's no real direction. Albeit, here I did think there was more thought into it. You utilized the picture, but its like another commentator said, its like you write about something in it, and then see another thing and write another fragmented thought about it. But, the dots don't ever really connect. They could connect if I really wanted to see it, but that not be intentional. You yourself as a writer are supposed to lead me. Granted perhaps abstract writing is more your caveat, but even then I wouldn't call your writing abstract. Not to say that you can't write, in my mind its not clear. Because a writer for me needs to paint something that I can recognize. Granted some painters splash a bunch of colors, and that's art. But, I've never really understood that, I can't see how that compares to a portrait or something. I think honing in and making more coherent sentences will improve your writing, while also blending this unique style you've forged. Don't forsake it either, but there needs to be more clarity.


Pinot: You have the mark of an experienced writer. (I have read your material in the past) As for the writing, it was solid. However, I did have some issues in the sense of you sacrificing rhyming sometimes, or doing simplistic rhyming. It doesn't have to be all 6 syllable multi's but something more to appease the tastes. You did it at times, but the switch up or sometimes there were lines I felt you didn't even rhyme, destiny, wrestling...They do share some syllabic sound, but I guess if your going to implement this technique it should be done with less of a rough usage. Anyways, as for the twist, I too felt like it wasn't a big twist. A boy imagining something is not something that creative, even though the theme is rooted in imagination. Besides this, the story before the actual twist was fun and I wish you took it in another direction in the end. You obviously won this.

Vote: Pinot

[Adonis]

Pinot flawless 5-0