Goddamn at the Nietzsche quote as a topic! Very good choice here, especially with Deadman involved which could make for some interesting reading for sure. I like to give my take on the topic and my initial thoughts to help give the writers some idea on what I may have done, and why, but I’m not sure how I would have approached this one in truth. Thank god I don’t have to (pun ALWAYS intentional!) I’m not a religious man but it obviously lends itself towards the bible and it’s various moralistic tales etc so that could have been flipped, possibly into a more modern setting maybe? The trouble there, and in general, is that there have been so many religious takes and whatnot it’s difficult doing something with it that hadn’t been done before. Its a tricky one to navigate, for sure, and I don’t envy either of you here! Anyway, let’s see how you guys have it...
Deadman: This is dope from the jump, straight from that opening line you get this tone in the writers voice that is very clear and consistent - arguably right through your work. There’s plenty of religious references scattered right throughout, the stolen valor line in particular is fire early on. This is very clean writing from you, the alliteration at the start of this line caught my attention:
Quote:
devil dances demon moans, the ecstasy of evil forces
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It’s an underrated tool on the belt, one I enjoy employing myself on occasion, but I noticed it snuck in there haha! It’s the deft touches of a seasoned writer I also look for beyond the body of work presented. You’ve an experienced hand.
Quote:
look. we can't create a thing and neither did He
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This line really stood out to me for its profundity, it almost gets said outside of the verse by causes it to pause right then and there and reflect on it before moving forward, but the following up lines directly afterwards are interesting choices also due to the rhyme placement and “sounds” of the rhymes used to create a didactic quality:
Quote:
enlightenment crisis, a war of pious belief
riot in the streets sound like a sigh of relief
when wolves come knocking nightly all disguised as the sheep
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The “ENLIGHTenMENT CRISIS” trips off the tongue nicely due to its rhyme placement, it’s a very subtle internal rhyme that it has to it, but adds a layer to the line overall with the following “PIOUS BELIEF/RIOT in the STREETS/SIGH of RELIEF/DISGUISED as a SHEEP” which switched up the rhyme scheme somewhat also. I enjoyed how unorthodox it was and a little left field, breaking with the norm. Whatever normal is. This short section was one of my favourites from the verse, and battle.
Quote:
dying is easy
its like waking up in Georgia in a white limousine
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The second line here is almost classic Deadman in it creating a fantastic summary using so few words, a real “less is more” approach that stands out given the lengthy submissions this round.
Quote:
our faith left only Ego. we disguise it as people
while our ever-after stories built us giant cathedrals.
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The hanging rhyme in the first line (following those preceding it) stands out and makes for a nice switch-up but that cathedrals line here is fire, perfectly placed and paced. Very fitting given the subject matter we’re dealing with.
Quote:
walk our dogmas off a cliff and feed em to the vultures
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Jeez! I had to quote this one because it’s straight flame emojis. You can’t overlook gold like that. Crazily good. Dope verse.
Johnny Six Feet: The idea of going with more a story up against the Deadman could prove a good move as he doesn’t (generally) adopt that stance and it’s worked well for you this season. The immediate thing that stands out to me, from you, is the natural flow this verse has in comparison with his - it skips right through it, very pleasing to read and very smooth with little in the way of stop-starting. The interweaving of the comedian and the religious elements was largely done well, I wondered what you were up to early on with this one:
Quote:
Soon the agents came a-calling like disciples to a prophet
Booking venues coast to coast so he'd recite for a profit
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It stands up (pun ALWAYS intentional) better on second read in my opinion once you know where it’s headed but even on first run-through this stood out to me personally.
God of comedy legit had me laugh out loud, I’m hoping that was intentional - I think it was. Lol. Don’t hate me too much if it wasn’t.
Quote:
Passed around like a cultist's pamphlets, the tickets were sold
His performances turned a silver screen to shades of gold
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You started to really kick things up a notch here, layering the material well with the tie-ins and so forth, the cultists pamphlets was a good idea but the silver screen / shades of gold was the true standout I thought.
LOL @ doubting Thomas reference also. I see you bruh.
Quote:
Turned a virtual hermit; his agent's statements were measured
As he wandered around his lonely estate like a barren desert
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The barren desert line again here was a good way to help tie-in this dual idea, very clever indeed. LOL @ fame’s snakes also a little later on in the piece.
This one was a crazy clash of styles and approaches, I think styles make fights and that was definitely the case here with you two, Deadman the more indirect and with a bigger picture narrative tone to his writing against Johnny’s more signature storytelling with this dual theme running right through it with plenty to anchor his idea at heart. It’s a toughie. I think from a technical standpoint there really isn’t a great deal between you both, there’s a mastery to both individual writing styles here and that’s clear to see. I do usually prefer a story over a “topical” purely because that’s my personal preference. Jonny definitely delivered on the storyboard front, multiple tie’s intricately interwoven throughout the fabric of his piece with some dry humour and clever astute observations of his own. I liked the elements neatly bringing it together as a cohesive whole, I liked the narrative value it had, and as a storyteller at heart this one definitely gravitates toward me. I’ll have to mull it over more before I reach a conclusion.
Okay, I’m now multiple reads in on both verses, this is a polarising one given the (opposite) directions both writers took in. On the one hand I’m a fan of Deadman’s wording, he has plenty of quotables throughout this joint eve given its relevant brevity. The flow is there, technically he’s hitting on all cylinders with these hanging rhymes and word placement etc, the less conventional approach comes off the fresher of the two also and stands out in my mind over the storytelling from Johnny’s. That said, I would say Johnny was the more entertaining read to me overall given these multiple tie-ins built around his central theme and that makes it stand out to me in terms of creativity and originality which is a key thing I look for in these. When you couple that with both belong otherwise fairly evenly matched in terms of their strengths, this is a tough vote but for me Johnny did more here with his verse than we ultimately got to see from Deadman given the brevity of his own piece. I still think Deadman’s shone in terms of the layers it had and standing up to multiple reads and that’s ultimately what lead me to the final decision here.
Vote - Deadman