Netcees - View Single Post - Artifice(3-2) vs Symetirk(1-1)

Universe · 07-07-2020, 10:43 AM

Artifice:

Short and sweet. This piece had some definite highs and lows. Your take on the topic was cool but fairly straightforward. I enjoyed some of the effortless bars you had on display here - but that unfortunately made the forced ones stick out like a sore thumb. I think maybe some different wording here and there would've helped, and with a piece this short, everything has to be fine tuned to a razor's edge...

Highlights:

"dress shoes, no polish..... laces have frayed
my breath reeks from the alcohol i've tasted for days"

- good opener.

"living conditions trapped you, couldn't escape the abuse
even still the devil in them only brought out the angel in you
your flame burned too fast, now just ashes & dust
you were my rock... ironic that now without you i'm crushed"

- Solid. I think if your whole piece was like this it would've been much better.

Artifice, this is a good take man, don't get me wrong. Just the lines I didn't highlight were kind of awkwardly worded and they just didn't have the impact of the bars above. I felt this piece was missing a bit of heart. Like the concept should've felt tragic and sad, but it just felt... robotic to me, for the most part.

symetrik:

Cool story. I liked the twist, and as Adverse sald, it made me immediately read it again. I think technically this was sort of a mess though. Long ass bars with an awkward flow - quite frankly it was a strain to read. But once grasped, the story was unique and just captured my imagination. This was like a twilight zone episode in rhyme form. I won't do a highlight section because technically there was none lol... the story was the highlight here.

This was a battle of technical prowess versus story. A robot who is technically sound vs. an awkward human with heart lol. Such an interesting clash. I've always preached story over technical prowess, and to go against that now would make me a hypocrite. I told symetrik to bring the heart last week and he did. I love Artifice, and if he brought more emotion to his piece he would've taken this down. But... (and this is super close...)

Vote - symetrik

Thanks guys.

07-07-2020, 10:43 AM	#10
Universe Everything's Connected Join Date: Nov 2017 Location: Niagara Falls, Canada Posts: 1,001 Battle Record: 19-8 Champed - Guerrilla Writing League(2x) - GWL Picture challenge(2x) - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 10178706	Artifice: Short and sweet. This piece had some definite highs and lows. Your take on the topic was cool but fairly straightforward. I enjoyed some of the effortless bars you had on display here - but that unfortunately made the forced ones stick out like a sore thumb. I think maybe some different wording here and there would've helped, and with a piece this short, everything has to be fine tuned to a razor's edge... Highlights: "dress shoes, no polish..... laces have frayed my breath reeks from the alcohol i've tasted for days" - good opener. "living conditions trapped you, couldn't escape the abuse even still the devil in them only brought out the angel in you your flame burned too fast, now just ashes & dust you were my rock... ironic that now without you i'm crushed" - Solid. I think if your whole piece was like this it would've been much better. Artifice, this is a good take man, don't get me wrong. Just the lines I didn't highlight were kind of awkwardly worded and they just didn't have the impact of the bars above. I felt this piece was missing a bit of heart. Like the concept should've felt tragic and sad, but it just felt... robotic to me, for the most part. symetrik: Cool story. I liked the twist, and as Adverse sald, it made me immediately read it again. I think technically this was sort of a mess though. Long ass bars with an awkward flow - quite frankly it was a strain to read. But once grasped, the story was unique and just captured my imagination. This was like a twilight zone episode in rhyme form. I won't do a highlight section because technically there was none lol... the story was the highlight here. This was a battle of technical prowess versus story. A robot who is technically sound vs. an awkward human with heart lol. Such an interesting clash. I've always preached story over technical prowess, and to go against that now would make me a hypocrite. I told symetrik to bring the heart last week and he did. I love Artifice, and if he brought more emotion to his piece he would've taken this down. But... (and this is super close...) Vote - symetrik Thanks guys. __________________ ..Passed the Present and Future..