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Old 01-14-2016, 09:45 PM   #8
Vulgar
Razor-thin derision
 
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,422
Battle Record: 40-25

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@grafx - I have to appreciate when someone exposes the reflective nature of their thoughts and comes at new, different angles, which you practiced here. Your level of writing, however, is a fraction of the way there. The use of the pauses were void for me, because in poetry, the spacing of stanzas ensures that there is a natural, unspoken and form-abiding pause which the reader can identify for themselves. The content/premise of the poem seemed to be a mixture of life's beauties and also its vulnerabilities and woes. The USA was mentioned which partially threw off the openly 'nature' related theme for me. I think you'll improve in the coming months, but please do keep experimenting with your craft & style!

@Objective - In opportune moments like these you are showing off your writing prowess which has grown to be silky and possesses a commoner's personable writer's voice. Commoner not for its simplicity, but more in the regard that it speaks to the Everyman, a strength considering this was philosophical at its core. I like that you transition well, i.e. 'in this I thrive' was very machine-like yet also very human of the character to say. The only constructive criticism I have is to keep refining stuff like this, to keep pouring it through a filtration system where you iron out the kinks, insert pertinent language, and use conciseness as your compass. There's no doubt a lot of thought went into this. The way I look at it, is that if you can display to the reader a 'code' using language, and they grasp it much easier than they thought - far easier than trying to decipher an actual scientific theory, then they will thank you for it with their eyes, ears, further perceptions, and more. Keep doing.

My vote goes to Objective for outclassing his opponent.
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