Quote:
Originally Posted by 2tripple0
and you know i can film this as if it was a movie
your all just actors in my universal studio and its all about money
gonna find the nugget inside this information because its like folgers
because im digging in the roots and building dams like i was an otter
since its funny how every person needs 3 meals a day
there cant possibly be enough food to supply everyone with a plate
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Movie/money not rhyming threw me off from the jump. Folgers / otter.. again, why not use words that rhyme??
I liked the 3 meals a day / plate line, that was cool. Besides a few lines, this seems very sporadic / not relating to the topic. I feel you're using a bunch of similes that don't necessarily improve the piece as a whole. I laughed out loud when I saw the like a cramp line, like- What the hell was that doing in this verse? You're a trooper though. You don't get discouraged and you keep writing. Not the best verse I've seen from you, not the worse either. I feel like you need to better conceptualize everything. I also hate giving advice because there's times I don't follow my own advice, so yeah.. Anyways, I think you should cut the fat on your bars, there's a lot of 'ands' 'buts' etc that would make things sound a little smoother. I just don't really understand how this related to the topic. Sorry.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Flo Real
In a state of broken reverie as the system exits me to gloom
Memory of what could of been, hoplessness and agony consume
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I liked that couplet. I don't think I've read a verse from you before, but this was okay. The flow of it was a lot better than 2000, so was the wording. Also, it related to the topic a lot more than 2000's verse.
If 2000 would have had a verse more directed towards the topic, I think he would have got this match. Maybe I just don't understand it, I don't know. But, for that reason, Im'a have to vote for
vFlo Real