[Natural]

Originally Posted by H4ZE

This piece is supposed to be the thought thst Rebecca sedwick had before she killed herself. I knew her personally, we lived in the same area. I dont know exactly what she was thinking but I tried my best. Hope you like it

Thoughts of rebecca:
I've been bullied most of my life,being called a whore and a slut
They tell me I should kill my self,I've had more than enough
GREAT OPENER. You need a space between every "," in this
drop though.

I've switched schools,it still happens no matter where I'm at
Why am I treated like this? I don't deserve it,is my appearance bad?
I thought this was nice, "progressive".

They tell me I'm ugly and i'm starting to believe its true
Do you know how hard it is when no one believes in you?
Nice job connecting the reader here, especially for those
of whom can relate to being bullied...


Suicide seems nice,my only relief is pain
God never helps,even when I scream his name
Good you capture desperation here.


From what I've seen, there really is no way to escape
Home isn't safe,on the internet they hate and they hate
Good idea...bad execution. This could be reworded.


I'm hatin my face,what can I do to finally look pretty
I pile on the make up but I still feel like I look shitty
I feel like this is a step backward, because you already
touched basis on her being insecure about her looks.
In order to progress in the story you must move on, try not to
repeat yourself. If you absolutely must repeat or revisit
a previously touched topic or concept/thought be much more
creative/original when doing it.


After the things they've told me the pain ensued
I need out,I can't keep going there's no makin do
Good.


I can't take it! Suicides the only way out!
No one cares,do you hear the things that they shout?
No, I cannot hear it...thank God
Good bar though.


I hate life! Death is a much better option than torture
I need an escape,there could be nothing more worse
HORRIBLE bar. Than torture/more worse or
Torture/worse does not rhyme.


I need to leave this hell,so I walk till I find my jumping spot
Only tellin one friend,even he can't stop me from jumping off
Solid bar
Just to ready my self I text him "I can't take it,I'm jumping"
Then I leap to my death,after I'm dead maybe they'll love me
Good closer.
FAR FAR better than superdad