Ok I'm gonna give you some critique. First off decent piece Foxx. You seem like you've got the basics down but this piece to me seemed like a freestyle not something you actually wrote. I saw you did audio is that what this is?
But in some parts the flow is a little fucked. For example the freddie mercury line. The first line of the bar is much shorter than the next bar which makes it seem longwinded and in turn fucks up the flow. You can fix that by using inner rhymes in the lines to help the flow move along better. Also try to incorporate some multis into your piece.
By no means think of me as an expert and telling you your piece is bad. I think it could work for audio but it doesn't make for an exciting read to me. I hope you use some of the advice I gave you and keep postin man
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