Typing this on the keyboard I hate so it will be brief:
Pancake - Good work, Giorgio. Nice writing throughout and also strong rhyme schemes. The storyline never really had me. You dress a lot of your concepts in emperor's clothes hoping for a grand payout. I think if you write less muscle-y, it might be more effective.
He meets Ava in a bar, of course. She’s wearing Gothika chic and pockets of lint.
Little tassles, lockets and trinkets. Soft in the cheek, she moves like a walking of winks,
^These lines were wack.
and Ibiza, only to know their every marketable feature. His margins aligned,
a cognizant leader with a slight temper and dulled spark in his eyes.
^These lines were excellent. See the difference? Less detail, more meaningfulness.
I would've ended the verse at "You're fired" because I don't really care about closure and I'm a merciless specimen. Yours was alright. Wasn't too giddy about the cinematic nebulae expose before the closing dialogue.
J - I didn't really get this and thought you were much too neutral. The verse glazed over as one expository grouping without a tangible point, IMO. I like your rhyming and style but it didn't cut it for me this time.
Vote Cake
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