The spelling mistakes were distracting. There are a few interesting thoughts here, though. There was a little bit of Ghostface Killah in this couplet:
Quote:
straight slum hit em with the peroxide the narcs eatin fried chicken on a parkslide
in the dark crys from the hawk glide the sky where ether resides
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Clean up the spelling and puncation. Don't break up your couplets because it distracts from continued rhyme patterns. Try to stick to a single voice a little more in a single verse.