WEEK 7: CHAMP MATCH: Scar vs Bodey BODEY WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@Scar @Bodey


Max line: 50

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 8, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[Scar]

hey, if i win, we collaborate. however if you win, we collaborate. deal?

gl, Bodey

[Bodey]

Sounds like a plan man. Good luck bud

[Inno]

@Bodey @Scar undated the line limit sorry

[Scar]

"Wilson and I"
Day 1.
It was a perfect day for naval exploration
Her face, soaking in the rays, relaying an expectation
“Awesome” she said, with arm spread in lofty embrace
Of life. Weather’s nice. Wave, cordially calm. “Gon’ be the most awesomest day”
At the edge of the pulpit, she observe water shimmering to the 2pm sun
And the horizon seem eventful in the distance where dark cumulus hung

Day 4.
It was unclear. Perhaps 20 or 50 miles from the cove
Under menacing skies, she gave another try, “Hello, this is Sea Lion, I need assistance, now, over!”
Breath receding, in much need of rests, she retreated..
Down below and collapse onto her bed to assess a contingency.
Seething stings from the sea salt caused aches, pain and scratches
Suddenly, she caught a shadow in the corner, there’s something else in her cabin
Behind the closet door, a tapping sound. She threw a sock towards it before it startled and dash
It was a mouse!! With nowhere to run, it turned to face her at last
They locked gaze. it was afraid; twisting and turning for home
She approached it cautiously “hey buddy, how’d you snuck on my boat?”
It stopped. Stared at her, then back to panicking mode
“I know how you feel bud.” reminding her of her own ordeal
“Well at least we have each other, right? Let's get you some meal”
Walked over to the kitchen and broke off a piece of pita bread.
It rushed towards the morsel, as thankful as any creature can
Midway between bites, it glanced up as if to say..
“Thank you”
She smiled and said: “You can be my Wilson from Castaway”

Day 15.
She watch Wilson nibbles the last piece crumb off the floor
Wondering, if he had any inkling of the incoming storm
She applied some Pavlov tricks. With, snap of her finger, he’d rush to her side
When a sudden wave crash against the hull, in an abruption of violence
She rush up to the deck to find it in complete disarray
The mast was hanging on a hinge while the boom sway to the wave
The rain rages on. She look out to sea, there’s no escaping this storm
All she could do was brace for the fall and hope it fades in the morning
gathering what she could, she made her way to the bottom
Locked the door to prevent flood water from entering the quarter

Day 30
Wilson was visibly thinner. He slept in her hands, breath gradually slowing.
Outside the storm died down, warm weather, white cloud, the intensity lowered
She was hungry. Living solely on silted water and minnows near the boat
While Wilson, still in her palm, was more or less fur and bones.
He was still asleep. Slowly breathing, she rubbed his back
“You know when i was a little girl, i had this cool yellow notepad.
It had a picture of Spongebob, Squidward, Patrick, Mr. Crab
I always thought it was so awesome they had this whole world at the bottom Of the sea”
Wilson slowly opened his eyes, squirmed inside her palm in a forlorn effort to breathe

Day 40
She hasn’t seen Wilson in days. Her skin, sunburned, and her lips were cracked and baked
The sun continues to beat. Lack of sleep impaired her ability concentrate
She made her way to the edge of the pulpit. 30 pounds less and in a starving state
Her eyes caught something in the ocean, a creature squirming, floating in the wave
“Wilson?” she panicked. “Wilson!!” was it light refracting or a trick of its beam?
It didn't matter, making her way to the plank’s edge, she plunge in the sea

[Bodey]

I opened my eyes to a bowl of soggy Rice Krispees,
chirping promises that I’d be free soon
This has happened before, the doctors said so
Waking up to faces I don’t recognize in places I’ve never been to
“It’s borderline personality disorder—no wait, it’s bipolar.
“Scratch that, let’s try schizophrenia, a true reality chauffer.”
The banana-colored wristband tightens on me a bit
Another white-coated rich man licensed to scribble scripts
How original.

My body has withered thinner and they’ve done nothing to fix it
“What happened to the swimmer who could’ve made the Olympics?”
Couple trophies, a few medals, but nobody asked if I picked this
I remember the scuffed wooden table in our kitchen with biscuits
baking in the oven; the happy holiday cologne to a blistering Christmas
I know things had gotten loud, but I can only recall the silence
Of sitting there invisible, while my family fell apart
My mother and her shaky voice like, “Pack your stuff, lovebug.”
I looked at my hands and wondered if it was spaghetti sauce or blood
My father’s voice was near demonic, like a machete to the lungs
We’d barely get past the market before he got us back at once
Later on, I’d bounce from couch-to-couch until I ran out of friends
I literally swam my way out of that house and never looked back again

My roommate smells as if a garbage truck took a shit on a puddle of cat-piss
She hasn’t spoken for years, weeping softly as she clutches her mattress
One day, she crumpled up a note and threw it at my bed
She said the doctors cut her tongue out… boy, did they get in her head
Fuckin Agatha. Jesus Christ.
I search my mind for something to say, and not to be offensive,
but my tongue couldn’t quite touch the words… Again, no pun intended.
I wrote her back anyway, telling her that my husband’s coming soon
That this was all a misunderstanding, and she gave me this look of doom
The desperation in her eyes didn’t even have me thinking twice
I scrambled out the door, and pushed a nurse aside
Until I got to the doctor’s office, and locked it from behind
“Doc,” I panted, “I need to call my husband to make sure that he’s on time.”
The doctor yawned and took his glasses off, reaching for his Chapstick
He pressed it on his lips, and rolled his eyes so hard they travelled into traffic
“Judy, we’ve been through this before. This is the second time—”
“No!” I screamed, punching the door. “His name is Kevin Brides.”
The doctor took a deep breath, sat back, and slowly folded his lapel
Underneath, the MD name exposed itself, I grimaced—what the hell?!
He must’ve seen my face, as he began to stand up from his chair
Don’t console me, “Dr. Brides”, don’t you fucking dare
I opened the door so fast, I broke the nose of the nurse standing there
That miserable woman missed me with that tranquilizer pinch
Where’s my Kevin? Please come kiss me with those whisky-sour lips
How dumb do they think I am, trying to say you don’t exist
Alarms are yelling at me everywhere, I’m somehow barefoot on a cliff
I sighed. Agatha was right. Maybe her tongue is really snipped.
Tell Kevin I’ll be home later, Mommy is running late at work
And show my dad that trophy, make sure he knows I came in first
Staring down into the ocean shore, I take a breath for what it’s worth
These grayish days aren’t so bad anymore…
My lungs can taste the suds of Earth

[Universe]

Scar - Well this was a touching and heartbreaking story.. Screw you for making me feel sad this early in the morning lol. Nah, I enjoyed this man. Although not up to your usual standard of polish, this was a nice little detour from what I was expecting. I loved the journal-like approach of the number of days on the boat being documented. I didnt find myself caring too much for the main character (maybe BECAUSE of the journal approach) but Wilson man... Wilson I loved. Great descriptions of this mouse, and I was cheering for him to live. I loved the part when she fed him and he looked up with a thank you... I guess you are seeing my love of animals coming through at this point lol.

The story was very well told and your heart is always on display my man. I few technical hiccups (some loose connections) and spelling issues kept this from being truly great for me, but I'm nitpicking. Then again, as the champ, you're going to be under a magnifying glass so get used to it lol.

An enjoyable read overall :).

Let's see if Bodey can top it.

Bodey - Well damn... I mean, for all the negative talk about yourself in the chat you sure showed up. Bodey... this was a great piece of work. Probably the best storytelling I've seen from you in terms of roping the reader in and never letting go. Your lines were crisp and each one had an impact, minus a few stragglers, and really propelled this tale along. What a cool concept of a mental patient escaping into the water she is meant to be in - the Olympic swimmer reference really came back around. Your descriptions in this were vivid and downright masterful. I loved this story man....

Ugh... you just made it very difficult for me. Let me go read them both again.

Okay... both stories connected with me. That part was even. This came down to what READ better overall - in terms of flow and word choices and connections made - one stood out a little more than the other to me. Scar's was a cool little tale of a stranded at sea boater who makes a friend in a mouse, Wilson. I loved Wilson and cheered for him. Even though the story was told in an interesting way, it was TOO broken up to really form the meaningful connection to the main character. This was a case of almost being beaten by your own brilliant design. Bodey's seemed more fluent and in the moment and kept me locked in. Her word choices were better - it flowed a little better to me. There was some cool little funny moments in there mixed with the pure anguish of the narrator.

I loved both of these. But for the reasons stated above, I'm going with...

Vote - Bodey

I am still confused as to why Bodey was so hard on herself for this one. I loved it. Scar, yours was amazing as well my friend but the level of polish and scrutiny you have over your own verses and word choices was watered down for this one. Pun intended.

This is the new BOTW for me. THANK YOU to both of you for these efforts.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Scar- Man, this was something I would've liked seen spun out to a short story. Not a topical, a full story. Your imagery was terrific. You brought in a good character arc and kept everything moving forward at a pace picked out the important details without feeling rushed while still telling us everything we needed to know. The inclusion of 'Wilson' was a really nice touch and helped develop the narrator. Vocab choice was good, some stretched lines and rhyme scheme was off in places which had a minor impact on the flow of the piece. But great detail, narration and a real emotional heart to this piece made it a lot of fun to read. Great job.

Bodey- Pretty much what I said for Scar I can repeat for you. This is short story worthy. The examination of a fragile mental state, with the reliable story troupe of in medias res painted a perfect picture of who the narrator was and how they got to were they were. The middle stanza was my favourite, particularly these lines:

"Later on, I’d bounce from couch-to-couch until I ran out of friends
I literally swam my way out of that house and never looked back again"

So much said in those two. Good vocab and use of imagery throughout the whole piece. Rhyme scheme got a little off in a couple of places but it didn't affect the flow of the thing. Minor nitpick. You kept me guessing about what was really happening due to her mental state which was a trick and not overplayed.

Damn, this was a tough one. Both told great stories that kept me gripped from start to finish but....

Vote- Bodey, I think she took it on the technical side of the pieces. Other than that I couldn't call it.

[Artifice]

Scar

Good use of the journal format... when you set it up properly the passage of time between dates allows for the reader to intuit what happened in the gaps, and you did that effectively. The story carried on well, you have a good use of vocabulary and your schemes are pretty solid. My biggest nitpick would be spelling/grammatical things. I know we're not in English class, but too many errors (unless they're clearly intentional) and they start to stick out to me. Otherwise I really enjoyed the read.

Bodey

I thought this was really dope. Strong imagery, flowed nicely. The disjointed nature of how the segments jumped from one to another was a nice touch to portraying the mental illness (similar to how Nolan made you feel the character's disease in Memento) but you did it in such a way that the writing from segment to segment was a smooth transition. This gave the reader the feeling without making the piece itself feel disjointed, good work. For someone who was having writer's block, it would seem that you don't buckle under pressure.

For a champ match, I enjoyed both, but thought Bodey's writing and take was a little more crisp. Props to both.

v/ Bodey

[Adverse]

Okay first of all great showing from both story wise, engaging and both kind of dealt with the same sort of mental deterioration.

Scar
I liked your story here but it felt really bland compared to the stories you’ve told up to this point in the league which may be my fault for putting expectations so high but at the rate you came out of the gates swinging I think I have just had higher expectations for you narratively. Also I didn’t really like the day 1: thing etc they may have worked better as like diary entry’s or something in that vein? Also didn’t enjoy the common grammar mistakes and what not as I think Artifice said it’s probably because of the difference in accent but whatever the case be it kind of threw me off as a reader. You did some great things though your imagery was top notch I could see everything, rhyming was good. Vocab stuck out. Think this was still a good verse but fell a little flat compared to your overall body of work this season.

Bodey - Though you came into this week being unsure of yourself (self doubt gang) you really shined here, I loved how we got to see your character at the start of her decline and her rapid descent to insanity. The mental health shtick was relatable and you just had a great way to put me into your character’s shoes, think the ending was a little predictable but that didn’t bother the overall piece too much imo. It was a good read and I enjoyed it from beginning to end.

Overall I think Bodey had this in the bag this week, thought her self doubting was unnecessary and she rode her recent success wave to a champ win. Good battle

V/Bodey