WEEK 6: dead man vs Pharaohs army 5-2 PA WINS

[Inno]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE


@dead man @Pharaohs Army


Max line: 30

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

Due date: May 1, 2020 11:59 EST TIME

GOODLUCK!

[dead man]

hey

[Pharaohs Army]

checking in
gl

[Pharaohs Army]

Air. Wispy clouds. Red and blue sky.
Big boulders. Balloons take flight. At least 25. Burners above the baskets.
Camera. “Can you take a picture?”
“Did you even have to ask it?”
Energy. An active skyline. “Look at that one over there.”
Floating, filled with hot air.
Girl with blond hair. Janet. Uncle getting a good shot. THAT depends on the camera lens.
Higher and higher until the journey ends.
Inevitably, they will all land. Hobbyists high above the earth.
Jury’s still out on which balloon will land first.
Knapsack. On Uncle Tim’s back. Full of the day’s supplies.
Lighter than the air outside of a balloon, is the heated inside.
Mossy rocks dot the landscape. Tim’s mind off the messy divorce.
Niece Janet has heard the story before. “Couldn’t get along”. But she still likes her Aunt.
Over the horizon some of the balloons disappear. Tim rocks a fedora hat.
Pictures are worth a thousand words so he takes another.
Quite a spectacle. Every balloon is a different color.
Rising higher. None have begun their descent.
Special days like these are hard to come by. Janet feels bad for her Uncle. She knows how hard it can get.
Time is waning. Dusk approaching.
Uncle Tim puts the camera down. As for his soon-to-be ex, he long ago stopped hoping.
Very trying times, but he’s coping.
When she’s hungry enough Janet will ask for a snack.
Xanthic colored balloon is still the closest. They watch its tack.
Yearly occurrence. Of course next year they’ll be coming back.
“Zoo is next.” - “Sounds like a plan.”

[dead man]

i mean

They said it was time. we had to gather our clothes
silks and satin and soda bread. towels and napkins and bowls
sandy remote tent oasis city, scavenging soulfully
always asking our questions waiting for answers They hold
mudroad backwoods and cola. wormhole our galaxy's distant
tracing back our sins to practice pattern prevention
adolescent wanderers. They've led us to madness
scores of loyal Bodhisattva in a temple of trash
putty in Their hands. gelatin, the shell of man
crowdfunding dark nirvana, down like 70 grand
so here we stand. They said heaven was a place we could visit
with a basket and a rubber ball and helium gas
may we pass on peaceful when our ascension collapses
reenacting folklore in our icarus masks
any pressure and depressiveness a thing of the past
They said it was time. we echoed it back.
slow mutation our collective inertia, virgin rebirth
a void to fill with homily and letter and verse
gospel of Death. the Call came when our daughter was 7
we had 48 hours to either launch or defect
and we left. the Voices called behind us. haunting as ever
is it worse to die as one or outlive all of your friends?
we walked and wept. darkness crept. mountains and streams
creekwater frogs and centipedes. acres of greenery
tasting freedom, slowly but surely. a day and half
had past before we took a break and finally looked back
climbed a path, found a grassy clearing. stared at the sky
where all our friends were floating towards their final goodbye
a family stood nearby. picnic baskets and boxes
laughing zooming photo lenses, snapping their shots
we turned our backs. it hurt too deeply to watch
but that sound still pierced the world as
the first balloon popped.

[Universe]

Pharaohs Army -

"Air. Wispy clouds. Red and blue sky.
Big boulders. Balloons take flight. At least 25. Burners above the baskets.
Camera. “Can you take a picture?”
“Did you even have to ask it?”

Great opener and good work overall, PA. You knew you had to bring something different to the table against dead man, and you did here. I enjoyed the alphabetical rhyme scheme, it's been done hundreds of times before but I appreciate the attempt at making your verse stand out. And it worked in that respect. As soon as I saw it I just thought, "yes"... because I knew you tried. You had some cool lines in there and even though your approach was rather simple and linear, it blended well with your alphabetical concept and the light, cheery topic you were given. I shamefully admit I had to look up what "xanthic" meant lol, which is always nice to learn a new word lol, so thanks for that. Overall I enjoyed this verse, PA. Well done.

dead man - Your skill level is redundant at this point, but I don't care. You're super talented and you reinforce it with every drop. This was no different. It gave me a cult vibe, if that's what you were going for. People believing in heaven, getting a call to go in 48 hours... you managed to weave this underlying darkness into an otherwise bright and hopeful scene, and it was very well done. Your word choices were masterful and the pictures you painted in my head linger...

"mudroad backwoods and cola. wormhole our galaxy's distant
tracing back our sins to practice pattern prevention"

"so here we stand. They said heaven was a place we could visit
with a basket and a rubber ball and helium gas
may we pass on peaceful when our ascension collapses
reenacting folklore in our icarus masks"

Yikes. There's not much else I can say. I loved this piece, dead man. Great job.

So overall an impressive showing from both parties. You both brought it and, in doing so, made this a memorable battle. PA was up against a monster and he put up a valiant fight... but he was overcome in the end by a creative piece littered with memorable lines. Respect to both of you.

Vote - dead man

[Vulgar]

Pharaoh - Cool snapshot of an uncle-niece relationship, and that's what it was, something simple that read like a flash fiction short story. There wasn't necessarily a climactic moment or twist, so it read as casual to me. Nice description about the mossy rocks. Best I've read from you.

dead man - Hey dead man. Your verse read like a movie trailer to me, as in the narrative was couched between literal and surreal, or figurative language. Like for example the mention of bodhistavas (spelling is wrong on my part) gave me images that it was something about reincarnation, or the attainment of some meaningful mixture of adolescence and religion(?). Gambling addiction came to mind when you mentioned 'down like 70 grand' and 'dark nirvana' which gave off 'dark' storyline vibes. But yes, so movie trailer-like in its way of being a collage of images, notions, progressively funneling to a climactic, 'gotcha' conclusion. I think a few of your verses may adhere to this sort of outline, and a picture topic like this is appropriate for the approach, as it's artful. Your narrative 'currents' are very strong. You have a knack for mise en scene in verse form.

Gosh, it's a hard vote because dead man had the more veteran use of language and phrasing. The idea was a bit hard to decipher for me, it almost reminded me of gambling debt --> debt bubbles popping, and destroying a family. I liked Pharaoh's more because it had a cool way of presenting a scene without too much interference. It was a difference in approaches... I'm voting for Pharoah. The 'ABC...' format was not relevant to the storyline I don't think. It was more to my liking today.

Thanks for the reads.

[Scar]

wow this was an awesome battle!

PA, i read your comment about my verse last week in regards to the extra stuff like centering and bold and italics and i totally understand. it can be very cheesy but i just do it because it looks nice to me you know? anyway i say all that to say that, in turn i am usually not a fan of acrostic and alphabet format because i think those are cheesy. However, i think it worked here. it worked very well. This verse had a child wide-eyed wonder tone to it. Down to the diction. The simplicity of it really worked here. it was almost sing songy if you will and it played the perfect juxtaposition to an otherwise dark subject matter. the verse tackles the effect of family issues but was done with much nuance and very dope subtlety. "Niece Janet has heard the story before. “Couldn’t get along”. But she still likes her Aunt." i found that line very honest and endearing. you said you were gonna go extra special for this match and you did my man. awesome showing.

dead man, i have personal question, do you drink a lot of coke? i only asked because it seems to be a recurring theme in a lot of your writing. anyway, this was awesome. This verse, i believe, was about cult that, similar to Heaven's Gate and Jonestown, went an extreme measure for some kind of cause or personal/collective reasoning. This verse was littered with some amazing verbiage. its really amazing how you can keep coming with these after all these years. "may we pass on peaceful when our ascension collapses
reenacting folklore in our icarus masks" awesome. And the descriptions are unique and fun to read (for lack of better word lulz)"low mutation our collective inertia,"

this is a hard battle but an awesome one. I love the concept of PA's verse and i'm equally in love with Dead Man's writing. What this came down to ultimately, is my overall enjoyment. I felt the stylistic approach of PA's verse was a more enjoyable because everything seemed to click.

v/ PA

[Candy]

pa:
good flip on style.. i really liked it with the rhyme scheme in how tight the lines were with a style like that is very hard so much respect i def loved the flip on it with the grotesque zoo drop.. it def added a sad but happy laugh to it.. but the small story was cool though your concept was the coolest part..

dead man:
pretty cool little tale i think you hit hardest with description and slight even though def in your face emotion.. the story itself was very colourful it was at a decent pace and was really a compfortable pace.. i def liked the capture of the reader.. i really do think the flow of this was nice..

vote = pharaohs army

i think he just had a tighter verse with taking on a tougher style and coming out strong with it.. gl guys

[Sinacog]

I thought this was a very good battle, it was a interesting battle with good balance and fortitude; I quite enjoyed this battle.

PA -

Very nice work on the poetry acrostic poem idea here. I quite enjoyed the poetics; and the language used. This reminded me of a time in my life; and I quite enjoyed this piece of affection. Good work.

Dead Man -

Very good work on this piece man; my favorite line was the icarus line; I quite enjoyed this piece for it's affection; and it's plan. Good work, Dead Man.

Good work my vote goes to Pharoah's Army...

[Adverse]

Cool battle here guys

PA - You had a nice narrative and the ABCs thing was a cool gimmick imo but i think it took away more than it added, when you do something like that, you have to bend your schemes to obey its rules but i think you did it with grace and it didn't affect your read much. I liked that you added the extra layer to your writing in order to make it competitive with the veteran dead man and i think you did it pretty well.

dead man - this is the first week your writing felt fictional to me, I don't mean that in a bad way. I just mean usually you're very methodical and you have a certain way of writing pieces and this piece while having remnants of your heavy nostalgic pieces, focused a lot more on the topic picture this week using it more as your foundation, your focal point instead of the usual using is for a jumping-off point. I liked it and how you sort of broke the mold, yet stayed familiar. I liked your narrative and found it kinda whimsical but at the same time grounded? I don't know. Wasn't your usual dead man piece but i enjoyed it.

This was a lot closer than expected tbh but I've still got to edge it to dead man. He just had a narrative i liked better and smoother read but that might just be personal preference

V/dead man

[Johnny 6 feet]

Pharoahs Army- You took a big risk taking the alphabet approach to your piece. you could've found yourself restricting your creativity by the next letter (X?) not being convenient but you managed to pull it off. This came off as an employee in a museum describing the picture to an attentive crowd and it held my interest. I liked the characters and their relationship. it had real narrative flair, describing a perfect moment in time. Nice.

Deadman- More obscure in it's delivery and poetic in it's vocabulary than PA. This came off as very dark and deep. Hidden meanings between the lines. The punchline at the end of the piece was a really nice touch as well. Your choice of imagery was a stark contrast to the cheeriness of the picture you worked from.

Close one but...

Vote- PA, great battle guys.

[Inno]

5-2 PA WINS