16 bar I wrote a few months ago. Critique me, please. (Hawk Eyes)

Egocentric · 02-16-2013, 11:38 PM

My two peeking oculars spot unpopular flow coppers
Who’s weak visions are cheap like bomb night dollar droppers
I bring the frightful blight as the original show stopper
And expose hypocrite rappers like Mitt Romney’s flip-floppers
I go full retarded and bogart the song to barge this
I’m sick of typical ‘artists’ who claim to go the hardest
You’re some trans-fat lard shit, just some fucking garbage
Do I need to dick slap you just to show you what hard is?
Probably not, it’s hardly something that I’m down with
Struggle as you juggle rhymes, it’s time to be a clown then
My assonance is on it even when I’m lounging
Pounding out syllables; my method is astounding
I exhibit a livid demeanor as a real mud slinger
Spitting this 16 meaner holding up my third finger
If you think you’re buzzing, B, I’m pulling out your stinger
Bleeding slow; I watch you die as your soul lingers

Geno · 02-17-2013, 09:34 AM

You have dope. Potential. Some pretty wacky content though. Structure and scheming are good. Just need to better ideas imo. Keep writing. Stick around. OM will get more poppin when the leageus over. Go sign in for more action though.

AOB storytelling/writing league

02-16-2013, 11:38 PM	#1
Egocentric Junior Member Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 5 Rep Power: 35	16 bar I wrote a few months ago. Critique me, please. (Hawk Eyes) My two peeking oculars spot unpopular flow coppers Who’s weak visions are cheap like bomb night dollar droppers I bring the frightful blight as the original show stopper And expose hypocrite rappers like Mitt Romney’s flip-floppers I go full retarded and bogart the song to barge this I’m sick of typical ‘artists’ who claim to go the hardest You’re some trans-fat lard shit, just some fucking garbage Do I need to dick slap you just to show you what hard is? Probably not, it’s hardly something that I’m down with Struggle as you juggle rhymes, it’s time to be a clown then My assonance is on it even when I’m lounging Pounding out syllables; my method is astounding I exhibit a livid demeanor as a real mud slinger Spitting this 16 meaner holding up my third finger If you think you’re buzzing, B, I’m pulling out your stinger Bleeding slow; I watch you die as your soul lingers

02-17-2013, 09:34 AM	#2
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,325 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	You have dope. Potential. Some pretty wacky content though. Structure and scheming are good. Just need to better ideas imo. Keep writing. Stick around. OM will get more poppin when the leageus over. Go sign in for more action though. AOB storytelling/writing league __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*